Category: other

When White took up golf she developed quite a powerful drive.

Whenever she tee’d off near the woods she had to yell “fore” and then a quick “timber!”

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were in their first class on emotional extremes.

‘Just to establish some parameters,’ said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, ‘what is the opposite of joy?’

‘Sadness,’ said the student.

‘And the opposite of depression?’ he asked of the young lady from Rice.

‘Elation,’ she said.

‘And you, sir,’ he said to the young man from Texas Agricultural, ‘how about the opposite of woe?’

The Aggie replied, ‘Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.’

Jeff and Mike were in an accident and killed instantly. Upon Jeff’s arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?”

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

“I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,” says Jeff.

“It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter.

“You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn’t.”

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.To everyone’s amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!”

La profesora quiere tomarle el pelo a sus alumnos y les dice:

“Voy a hacer dos preguntas, pero el que conteste bien la primera, no deber� contestar la segunda. A ver, �cu�ntos pelos tienen los caballos en el lomo?”

Jaimito responde r�pidamente: “Sesenta y dos mil quinientos treinta y cinco.”

“�Y t� c�mo puedes saberlo?”

“�Ah! Esa ya es la segunda pregunta.”

Yo’ mama so fat, she’s the reason there’s night and day!

GAT (Gangsta Aptitude Tess)
The following exam was administered as an Ebonics version of the SAT

1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy:

A dime and two 40’s
B. A new pair of Fila’s
C Dashikki down the block
D. Yo mama

2) It’s tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent. You:

A. Bust a cap in his ass
B. Say, “Shit man, why you all up in ma bidness?”
C. Have anuther kid on welfare
D. Yo mama

3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo fo’s commin your way.
If ya both jaking your hydros, and both yall draw yur gats, which of da following happens:

A. Shit goes down in da hood
B. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly
C. Shit man, I do’no maff
D. Yo mama

4) You drink haff a 40. How much is left:
A. Haff
B. Da uther haff
C. Zum mo
D. Bout enuff to jak yo mama

5) You, beein da shit you are, dress yo self in da morn in which of deese:
A. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat
B. Da AK47 with yo Fila’s

6) Tiz yo 21st birfday. You:
A. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to MceeDees
B. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40’s
C. Gaffle da man
D. I do’no maff

JOG-MAFEE

7) Wher iz da mutherland at:
A. Afrika
B. Compton
C. Souff Centra
D. Yo mama

8) What am da capita of California?
A. Da Hood
B. Compton
C. Compton
D. Compton

ANALAMA-G’S

9) Tek 9 : Gatt ::
A. Yo mama : Dashikki
B. Fila’s : Nike
C. Tu pac : Barry White
D. St. Ive’s : Colt 45

10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic ::
A. Da Man : Da Systum
B. ReeRun : MC Hammer
C. Fat Albert : Shaft
D. Yo mama : Dashikki

NOW LOOKIE HERE FOO. I GOTS TO AXE YOU AN EXXAY QUEXTIUN:
IN 25 WURDS MO O LESS, TELL UZ ME WHO AM DA MAN?

So dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag below

+———————————————————————–+

A white guy, black guy, and a mexican guy are walking down this old country road looking for a place to stay and an old farmer said they could stay there on one condition, they don’t fuck his daughter. They all agreed and when they whent to bed the farmar put razor blades in her pussy.The next morning when they woke up the farmer told them to drop there pants. All of there dicks were cut up so he told them to go out in his field and pick a hundred of there favorite fruit. They go out and about 30 min. later and the white guy comes in and he has 100 cherries. the farmer told him to shove them up his butt so he did. Then the black man came in with 100 strawberries and the farmer told him to shove the m up his butt. Then the black man starts laughing and the farmer askes him why and he says, “My friend’s out there picking 100 watermelons”.

A girl gets hired as a cashier at an adult video store.

Before leaving for lunch the boss says, “Try to sell some of those sex toys & vibrators”.

A moment later, the girl sees a women come in the store so she points out the shelf of dildos and vibrators.

The woman browses in disinterest, and says, “How much is that plaid one?”

Later the boss returns and asks if it’s been busy.

“No”, says the cashier, “but I sold your thermos for $30.00!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

What’s the difference between a wedge of old cheese and an [ethnic] girl?

One is strong smelling and covered in mold and the other goes great with
crackers!

The Washington Post’s “Style Invitational” asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Foreploy:
any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Doltergeist:
a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Giraffiti:
vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous “Surrender Dorothy” on the Beltway overpass.

Sarchasm:
the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.

Impotience:
eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

Reintarnation:
coming back to life as a hillbilly.

DIOS:
the one true operating system.

Inoculatte:
to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis:
terminal coolness.

Taterfamilias:
the head of the Potato Head family.

Osteopornosis:
a degenerate disease.

Karmageddon:
It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.

Hindkerchief:
really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.

Deifenestration:
to throw all talk of God out the window.

Acme:
a generic skin disease (alt: the ‘best’ skin disease).

Dopeler effect:
the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

How do you get a one arme blon out of a tree.

You wave at her.