Category: other

The National Enquirer’s special investigative team has determined that
it’s actually Elvis Presely’s image on the Shroud of Turin.

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: * 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman* 2 French men and 1 French woman* 2 German men and 1 German woman* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman* 2 English men and 1 English woman* 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman* 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman* 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman* 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman* 2 American men and 1 American woman One month later, the following things have occurred… * One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.* The two German men keep a strict weekly schedule of when each is allowed to spend time with the German woman. *The two Greek men have the Greek woman cooking and cleaning for them. * The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. * The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming. * The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. * The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is busy checking out all the other men.* Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep to clothe their women. * The Irish divided the island into North and South and are setting up a distillery. * The American woman keeps ranting about the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that men can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men have joined the Polish men who are swimming out to sea.

A huge college freshman decides to try out for the football team.

After looking him up and down, the coach asks, “Can you tackle?”

“Watch this,” says the freshman, who runs smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

“Wow,” says the coach. “I’m impressed, can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” says the freshman. He is off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he finishes a hundred yard dash.

“Amazing!” enthuses the coach. “But can you pass a football?”

The freshman hesitates for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he stammers, “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by calamjo and dolly04

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the
paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that
was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ
and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never
understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”

This 8 year old little boy saddles up to the bar.”Hey, sweetie,” he says to the well endowed waitress, “how about a Scotch on the rocks?” She says, “Uh huh. Are you trying to get me in trouble?” “Maybe later, honey – but now I could really use that drink.”

a girl was standing talking to her friends when one of them said �why have you
got a tampon behind your ear?� and she responded �s***! then where did i put my
cigarette?�

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.

The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing.

The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.

This piques the interest of the pharmacist. “What’s could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?”

So he tells his clerk “If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”

Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies “Your house.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis

Resulta que en el Ayuntamiento de Tontilandia se ha ido amontonando una gran cantidad de documentos y ya no queda sitio en los archivos para almacenarlo todo. As� que un d�a deciden tirar algunos papeles in�tiles para hacer algo de sitio.

Una secretaria no est� segura de si unos legajos son �tiles o no, y le pregunta al alcalde:

“Se�or alcalde, �tiramos tambi�n estos expedientes?”

“A ver… pues… no s�… bueno, t�relos, pero antes haga una fotocopia.”

A general store owner hires a young female assistant with a penchant for very short skirts.

One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

‘I’d like some raisin bread, please,’ the man says politely.

The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the assistant retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the assistant climb up and down.

After a few trips the assistant is tired and irritated.

She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing among the throng. ‘Is yours raisin too?’ The assistant yells testily.

‘No,’ croaks the old man, ‘but it’s starting to twitch.’

After his message, Rev. Smith told his congregation that to
prepare for next week’s message, he wanted everyone to read Mark
Chapter 17.

The next week he asked the congregation, “Who read Mark Chapter
17?” A few at a time, most of the people raised their hands.
Rev. Smith looked at them sternly and said, “The last chapter of
Mark is chapter 16. Now I will have my sermon on lying.”

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip–three pennies.As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: ‘You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.’ The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. ‘Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?’ ‘Well, this penny tells me you’re a thrifty man.’ Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters ‘Hmm, true enough.’ ‘And this penny, it tells me you’re a bachelor.’ Surprised at her perception, he says, ‘Well, that’s true, too.’ ‘And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too.’

Jeff and Mike were in an accident and killed instantly. Upon Jeff’s arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?”

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

“I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,” says Jeff.

“It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter.

“You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn’t.”