Category: other

Tres parejas de reci�n casados se van de luna de miel y se instalan en el mismo hotel. Despu�s de la primera noche, el esposo de la enfermera baja y el curioso recepcionista le pregunta:

“�C�mo es casarse con una enfermera?”

“Fatal, fatal. Mete y saca; desinfecta. Mete. Saca. Desinfecta”.

Baja, entonces, el marido de la secretaria y, nuevamente el recepcionista pregunta:

“�Qu� tal casarse con una secretaria?”

“P�simo. Mete, saca; espere cinco minutos. Mete, saca; espere cinco minutos”.

Finalmente, baja a la recepci�n el que se cas� con la profesora y el recepcionista insiste:

“�Qu� tal casarse con una maestra?”

“Cansad�simo. Mete, saca; y ella me dice: muy mal hecho, repita 100 veces”.

You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to her and say “Hi, I’m great in bed, how about it?” That’s direct marketing.You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. He goes up and says “Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?” That’s advertising.You go to a party, you see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over and says, “Hi, I hear you’re great in bed, how about it?” Now…….. that’s The Power of Branding!

Big Daddy’s Rap – The Lord’s Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin’ it, I be doin’ it – Thy will be done

In this here hood and yo’s – On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin’ it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us

Don’t be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation

and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil

‘Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

aiight

�Cu�les son las tres mentiras m�s grandes que un hombre le dice a su mujer?

1. Siempre te voy a querer.

2. Nunca te ser� infiel.

3. �Chupa, chupa que yo te aviso!

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: * 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman* 2 French men and 1 French woman* 2 German men and 1 German woman* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman* 2 English men and 1 English woman* 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman* 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman* 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman* 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman* 2 American men and 1 American woman One month later, the following things have occurred… * One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.* The two German men keep a strict weekly schedule of when each is allowed to spend time with the German woman. *The two Greek men have the Greek woman cooking and cleaning for them. * The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. * The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming. * The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. * The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is busy checking out all the other men.* Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep to clothe their women. * The Irish divided the island into North and South and are setting up a distillery. * The American woman keeps ranting about the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that men can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men have joined the Polish men who are swimming out to sea.

A huge college freshman decides to try out for the football team.

After looking him up and down, the coach asks, “Can you tackle?”

“Watch this,” says the freshman, who runs smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

“Wow,” says the coach. “I’m impressed, can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” says the freshman. He is off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he finishes a hundred yard dash.

“Amazing!” enthuses the coach. “But can you pass a football?”

The freshman hesitates for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he stammers, “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by calamjo and dolly04

The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and sternly asked, “Where is God ?”Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, “Where is God ?”Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billy’sface and screamed, “WHERE IS GOD ?”Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet, shutting the door behind him.His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,”What happened to you ?”Billy yelled, “We’re in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing andthey think WE did it. “

How do you know when an [ethnic] girl has her period?

One of her socks is missing.

Here are some supposedly true humorous statements by several
airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:

“As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables
and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable
position.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane…”

“Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments.”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort
you to the wing of the airplane.”

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately.”

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross
in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to
retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward
announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a
video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.”

A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, “Our flight
attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash
receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that
you might wanna give us!”

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our
cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign.
I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big
fella…WHOA..!”

“Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and
nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or
spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

“If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children…”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry…Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!”

This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after
a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, one of the most bone
jarring I’ve experienced; The steward came on the intercom and
said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking.
I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airlines fault, it wasn’t the
pilots fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants fault…….it was
the asphalt!”

From a Southwest Airlines employee…”Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines.”

One time there was a little boy who was really dirty. so the little boy asked his mom if he could take a shower with her. he begged and begged so his mother finally said ok! as long as he didn’t look up or down. so when they got inthe shower, the little boy loked up and siad mommy what r those? the mother repied headlights! then he looked down and asked her what that was? she said that was the garage. ok the litle oy said. the next week the little boy was really dirty again but this time he took a shower with his dad. The dad said, You can as long as you don’t look down . so the little boy looked down and asked what he named it? the limo said the dad! That night the litle boy had a bad dream, so he went into his parents room to see if he could sleep with them? they finally agreed to it as long as he didn’t look under the covers. so after about 5 min. he looked under the covers and said mommy turn on your headlights open the garage daddys long stechy limo’s commin in!

Entra una abuela en el Banco Nacional de Canad� y pide hablar con el director. Sale el director y, ante el asombro de todos, la viejita le ense�a un fajo de billetes tremendo. De inmediato, el director la hace pasar a su despacho.

Ya en el despacho, la abuelita ingresa los 30,000 d�lares que tra�a en una cuenta que le abre el propio director general, pero �ste, muerto de curiosidad, le pregunta de d�nde saca tanto dinero, a lo que la se�ora responde que hace apuestas. El director, extra�ado, le pregunta qu� tipo de apuestas y la abuela le contesta:

“Mire, por ejemplo, le apuesto los 30,000 d�lares de mi cuenta a que usted tiene tres huevos en vez de dos.”

No pudiendo dar cr�dito a sus o�dos y ante la posibilidad de ganar tanto dinero, el director del banco acepta y la abuela se ofrece a presentarse al d�a siguiente con un testigo.

El director no puede dormir en toda la noche ante la cuantiosa apuesta y no deja de toc�rselos y cont�rselos. A la ma�ana siguiente se presenta la abuela con el testigo en el despacho del director. La se�ora quiere asegurarse del n�mero de huevos de que dispone el director y �ste la deja, ante el monto de la apuesta. Entonces, el testigo empieza a darse de cabezazos contra la pared y el director, extra�ado, le pregunta a la buena se�ora:

“�Qu� le sucede?”

“Nada”, responde la abuela, “es que ayer apost� 100,000 d�lares conmigo a que no le tocaba los huevos al director del Banco Central de Canad�.”

Un bandolero mexicano se hab�a especializado en cruzar el R�o Grande de vez en cuando y robar bancos en Texas. Finalmente, se ofreci� un premio por su captura, y un Texas Ranger emprendedor decidi� rastrearlo. Despu�s de una b�squeda larga, rastre� al bandolero hasta una cantina. Lo encontr�, se par� silenciosamente detr�s del bandolero, le apunt� su revolver a la cabeza, y dijo:

“Usted est� bajo arresto. D�game donde escondi� el bot�n o le vuelo la tapa de los sesos.”

Pero el bandolero no hablaba ingl�s, y el Texas Ranger no hablaba castellano. Afortunadamente, un abogado biling�e estaba en la taberna y tradujo el mensaje del Ranger. El aterrado bandolero le contest� que el bot�n estaba enterrado bajo el �rbol de roble detr�s de la cantina.

“�Qu� dijo?”, le pregunt� el Ranger.

El abogado contest�:

“Dijo: Vete al carajo, Gringo. No te atrever�as a dispararme.”