Category: other

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

-Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern,
school, or place of worship.

-Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and
elephants.

-Bathhouses are against the law.

-In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same
guidelines as cats and dogs.

-No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

-Women may not drive in a house coat.

-It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle,
unless the target is a whale.

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?””No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney.
About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly,
took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a
little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly,
grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not believe it, and being to
shy to mention it, she thought to herself, “If he does that again, I’m
definitely going to mention it.”
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as
before. She turned to Ian and said, “That is disgusting! Must you do that in
front of me?” Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition,
“Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm,” he explained.
“Really, what do you take for that?” she asked.
Ian replied, “Pepper.”

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop. When the bus starts on it’s way the bus driver says to the hippie, “if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.” The hippie of course says that he’d love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” said the bus driver(male), “you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.” Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When she’s in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first.” The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I’m the hippie!!” The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!!!”

Un hombre de 99 a�os le presume a otro que �l lo puede hacer sin necesidad de tomar Viagra, porque su doctor le suministr� una terapia muy efectiva.

El otro, envidioso, va con su m�dico y le exige que le aplique una terapia igual de efectiva.

“La terapia es muy sencilla: solamente diga lo mismo que dice su amigo”, le informa el galeno.

En medio de una guerra sangrienta, el ej�rcito enemigo toma una ciudad. Al ocuparla, los soldados van recorri�ndola de casa en casa y tomando prisioneros. Una patrulla llega entonces a una casa y encuentra dos chicas j�venes de f�sico espectacular y, junto a ellas, a una anciana. Uno de los soldados se acerca a las muchachas y les advierte:

“Prep�rense porque las vamos a violar largamente.”

Una de las chicas se arrodilla frente al soldado y le pide:

“�Por favor, con con nosotras hagan lo que quieran, pero respeten a nuestra anciana madre!”

La anciana replica en�rgicamente:

“�C�llense ni�as, la guerra es la guerra!”

Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter
word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: “Oops!”

once there was a man and a woman who decided that it was time for them to take their relationship a step higher. It was the womans first time and she asked the man how exactly they did it. He replied that there were several ways to do it, but one of his favorites was the woman striping slowly and then the he would kiss every inch of her body including breasts, butt, inbetween the toes, fingers, eyes, and ears. Then the man would strip and she would do the same to him. The woman agreed and started to slowely take off her shirt.”no no no, the man said, you have to do it while dancing a sexy dance around me.” The woman did. When she started to unbutton her pants, the man saw that she had unusually large breasts and as she leaned over they kind of popped out of her bra. She got her pants off and turned around in a circle. The man noticed that she was wearing a thong. He liked the way that she looked and also looked forward to kissing her breasts and where the thong was going. Before the woman unclipped her bra, she asked the man if he would be so kind as to keep the secret of what they were doing to himself and not tell anyone. The man agreed so that she would get it off and he could get started.The next day at work, he told everyone he could find that one of the people that he worked with had had sex with him. (the lady he was talking about was of coarse the woman) When the lady found out, she decided to get back at him. She walked up to him and asked if he would come into the bosses office to get intamet with him. He was up to the challenge and she told him it was his turn to go first. He did and before she started kissing him, she told him to turn around. He did and she picked up his clothes and ran out.

Un loco que habitaba en el sexto piso de un edificio ten�a desconcertado a un se�or porque cada vez que pasaba rumbo a su trabajo, el chiflado le apuntaba con la mano en forma de pistola y le disparaba desde la ventana.

Lleg� el d�a en que el tipo decide seguirle el juego al orate: apunta con la mano y le dispara al chalado que se asomaba desde la ventana; �ste se lleva las manos al pecho, se desploma y cae al pavimento.

El hombre, sorprendido, corre a auxiliarlo. El loco moribundo lo mira y le reclama:

“Yo nunca te dispar� al cuerpo”.

En un bote a la deriva, se encontraban unos n�ufragos que ten�an varios d�as sin comer. De improviso, uno de ellos saca su cuchillo y comienza a gritar desesperado:

“�Me muero de hambre, ya no puedo m�s! �Me voy a cortar el pene y me lo voy a comer!”

Sus compa�eros, alarmados al ver que est� a punto de mutilarse, le ruegan:

“�No, no lo hagas! �Piensa en tu novia, piensa en tu novia!”

El tipo, conmovido por las palabras de sus compa�eros, suelta el cuchillo diciendo:

“Tienen raz�n, no me lo cortar�”.

“�No, g�ey, piensa en tu novia para que te crezca y nos alcance a todos!”

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country, and who are very good at crosswords.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don’t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like
their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the
country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn’t have to leave
L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s
running the country, and don’t really care as long as they can get a
seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the
country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably
while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there
is a country …. or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they
oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the
leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also
happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they
are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country
but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis

Cierto d�a, el Pent�gono decide jubilar a tres generales, que ya estaban muy entrados en a�os, proponi�ndoles como contrapartida 100 mil d�lares por cada metro que midiesen entre dos partes cualesquiera de sus cuerpos. �stas fueron las medidas de cada uno:

El primer General decide que el examinador le tome las medidas desde la planta del pie hasta la parte superior de su cabeza. Despu�s de medirle, el inspector le atribuye una cuant�a de 183 mil d�lares.

El segundo General decide estirar los brazos hacia los lados, manteni�ndolos paralelos al suelo, y pide ser medido desde la punta del dedo medio de la mano derecha, hasta la punta del dedo medio de la mano izquierda. El interventor le mide y le atribuye una cuant�a de 205 mil d�lares.

Cuando llega el turno del tercer General, para asombro de todos, pide ser medido de la punta del pene hasta los test�culos; los presentes responden con una sonora carcajada. El verificador intenta disuadirlo durante algunos minutos, pero al ver que el General se manten�a firme en sus prop�sitos, decide concederle su voluntad mand�ndole bajarse los calzoncillos. Coloca una punta de la cinta m�trica en la extremidad del pene y entonces, cuando est� comenzando a medir, exclama:

“�Pero d�nde diablos est�n los test�culos!”

“En Vietnam”, responde el veterano tercer General.