Category: other

Your mamma is like a vacumn cleaner, she sucks, blows and gets layed in the closet

What’s good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy? Crust.

A local business was looking for office help.

They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “‘HELP WANTED.’ Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer, proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

You so black, you sweat coffee

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?” “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.” “Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?” “I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Dogbert Answers My Mail
———————–

In this section, Dogbert will answer some of the annoying e-mail messages
that I get every day.

Dear Scott,

I plan to use Dilbert cartoons in my upcoming presentation to a large
industry group. It’s non-profit so I won’t be paying you. Please find
all the ones about “Teamwork” and mail them to me. I need them by
tomorrow, so either FedEx or e-mail will be fine.

June

Dear June,

Nothing makes Mister Adams happier than a chance to give his work away
for free, especially if it requires extra effort. Unfortunately, Mister
Adams is busy cleaning rain gutters for other inconsiderate turds who
figured it “wouldn’t hurt to ask.” So he will not be able to satisfy your
request in a timely manner. He apologizes.

But here’s a tip: You can spice up your presentation with paintings from
the Louvre. Just write to the curator and ask him to mail you the “ones
with cherubs exhibiting teamwork.” If he gives you any trouble, remind
him that you’re non-profit and he’s being a jerk.

Dogbert

——–

Dear Scott,

I have a Web page that I think you’ll enjoy, based on your quirky and
irreverent style. Check it out and let me know what you think.

http://yadayaa.com/bottles/caps/imadork/

Allan

Dear Allan,

Mister Adams appreciates the opportunity to see if his personal
preferences match those of strangers, especially if it takes some effort.
That’s the kind of thing he thinks about constantly. He thanks you for
being so giving.

To reciprocate, Mister Adams suggests that you slap yourself in the head
with a wooden spoon. Judging from your quirky and irreverent style, we
think you’ll enjoy it. Let us know what you think.

Dogbert

———–
Dear Scott,

My friend named his turtle Alteriox. It would be very funny if you named
a character in the Dilbert strip Alterioxbert. We would all be very
amused. If you do it, write and tell me because I don’t read the strip.

Randy

Dear Randy,

That is an excellent suggestion for increasing the humor of the strip in
a way that is relevant to a broad audience. In fact, Mister Adams plans
to name ALL of the characters Alterioxbert, except for a new character
called “Randy the Butt Pimple.” Thank you for this excellent suggestion.

Dogbert

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed – a good $3 cup of coffee.

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Last night I was watching The Learning Channel and they had an advertisement for some christian CDs. The phone number was 1-800-666-0880.

Bet that went over really well with the intended customers.

Dear Hiring Manager, Thank you for your letter concerning my application for employment. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impos- sible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your com- pany’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department next week. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants. Sincerely,

Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge
for shelter.

His pal McGinty saw him and called, “Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a
few spots o’ rain, now?”

Sean replied, “I’m not…the fish come here fer shelter.”

The breakdown of the State school dunny obliged the Father at
the neighbouring parish school to extend appropriate
hospitalitly. Soon a disgusted sister was with him to complain
about the appalling behavior of the boys are engaged, it
appears, in a competion as to who could urinate the highest.
“What did you do the, Sister?” enquired the Father. “I hit the
roof!” “Well done, Sister!”