Category: other

Yo momma is so fat, the last time she seen 90210 was on the scales.

1) Cuando las cosas anden bien, es porque algo est�s olvidando.

2) Cuando las cosas anden mal, espera y se pondr�n peor.

3) El optimista es un individuo que no tiene mucha experiencia.

4) �Qu� se puede esperar de un d�a que comienza con tener que levantarse?

5) No importa qu� pidas en un restaurante; lo que pidan los dem�s siempre ser� mejor.

6) Murphy fue un optimista.

7) La vida es algo que te sucede mientras haces otros planes.

8) El hecho de que seas paranoico no quiere decir que no te est�n buscando.

9) Despu�s de escucharme, mi psicoanalista me dijo que tal vez la vida no sea para m�.

10) Las �nicas personas normales son las que uno no conoce bien.

11) La mujer llora antes de la boda y el hombre despu�s.

12) El a�o m�s dif�cil del matrimonio, es el que est�s viviendo.

13) Cuando un hombre le lleva flores a su esposa sin ninguna raz�n, es porque hay alguna raz�n.

14) P�gale seguido a tu mujer. T� no sabr�s por qu�, pero ella s�. (Proverbio chino)

15) Vote por el candidato que menos prometa. As� quedar� menos defraudado.

16) Cuando era ni�o, me dijeron que cualquiera pod�a llegar a ser presidente; ahora estoy comenzando a creerlo.

17) No tomes tan en serio la vida… No es permanente.

18) La probabilidad de que los sem�foros nos den luz roja es directamente proporcional al apuro que llevamos.

19) La belleza de una mujer es inversamente proporcional a su intelecto.

20) Un pesimista es alguien que si tiene que elegir entre dos males, elige los dos.

21) No te preocupes por tu salud. Ya se va a ir.

22) Cuando por fin lo logramos, ya no tiene importancia.

23) Ahorra un poco de dinero todos los meses. A fin de a�o te sorprender�s de lo poquito que tienes.

24) Tengo suficiente dinero para el resto de mi vida. A menos que compre algo…

25) Es mejor no saber como se hacen las salchichas ni las leyes.

26) Tengo ganas de abandonar todo, pero no tengo tiempo.

27) Dos cuerpos no pueden ocupar el mismo espacio al mismo tiempo, salvo que viajen en un colectivo en hora pico.

28) La �nica vez que tuve raz�n, fue la vez que pens� que me hab�a equivocado.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone is evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Hey! Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

A young man walking through a supermarket noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.”Pardon me,” she said, ”I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.””I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, ”is there anything I can do for you?””Yes,” she said, ”As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’ ? It would make me feel so much better.””Sure,” answered the young man.As the old woman was leaving, he called out, ”Goodbye, Mother!”As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.”How can that be?” he asked, ”I only purchased a few things!””Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband
would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her
husband’s loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke
him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as
always, fell asleep.
“Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?” The wife stuck her
husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, “Oh my God!” The
preacher said, “That’s correct.” And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.
He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question “Who died on the cross to save us from
eternal damnation?” The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and
exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!” And the preacher said, “Right again.” With this, the
husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The
husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
“What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?” the preacher asked. The
wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped
up and exclaimed, “If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break
it in half!”

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: ‘Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?’ ‘Yes,’ the professor ansvered. ‘When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.’ ‘Well,’ said the gatekeeper. ‘That is a very minor sin. You may enter.’ ‘Thank you very much, Saint Peter,’ the professor ansvered. ‘Im am not Saint Peter,’ said the gatekeeper. ‘He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.’

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel’s valet service to pick it up for pressing.Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, “My, you come lickety-split!””No, ma’am,” replied the elderly Chinaman. “Come to get laundry.”

Un barco estaba a punto de ser asaltado por piratas. En la cubierta, toda la tripulaci�n se preparaba a repeler el ataque. En ese momento el capit�n lanz� a su asistente personal una orden que llen� de coraje y valent�a a la tripulaci�n: “�Tr�eme la camisa roja! �Que todos puedan verme combatir valientemente! �Y si soy herido, que nadie pueda ver la sangre sobre mi camisa roja!”

Llega por fin el abordaje pirata y la tripulaci�n combate valerosamente, siguiendo el ejemplo de su capit�n. El barco pirata es hundido y los bandidos sobrevivientes capturados. La tripulaci�n felicita al capit�n y todo mundo festeja como se debe hasta que, ya tarde, se van a dormir.

En la madrugada, el vig�a los despierta a todos con un grito: “�Barcos piratas nos rodean! �Son al menos diez!”

El capit�n sale a cubierta, seguido de su asistente personal. Todo el mundo espera la frase del capit�n, la exhortaci�n al combate… Y el capit�n se vuelve hacia su asistente y le dice: “�Tr�eme el pantal�n caf�!”

Your mamma is like a vacumn cleaner, she sucks, blows and gets layed in the closet

What they say versus what they mean…

1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial. (Let’s spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

13. Give us your interpretation. (We can’t wait to hear your baloney.)

14. See me or let’s discuss. (Come to my office, I’ve screwed up again.)

15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged. (Don’t plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development. (One finally worked)

20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data. (I’m too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard! (That’s the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn’t get your e-mail.

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

During a transcontinental flight, a passenger looked out the window and noticed that two of the jet’s engines were on fire. He began shouting that the engines were on fire, and pretty soon the rest of the passengers were in the throes of panic. Whereupon the pilot appeared in the doorway to the passenger compartment with a parachute strapped to his back.

“Don’t worry, folks,” he said cheerfully. “I’m going for help.”