Category: other

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and
Trees and Fire Hydrants and…

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll
tell you Why.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…. (better start
again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then
took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater…. I would have prefered a screamer or a moaner.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

14> Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as “downsizing.”

13> Before go you out, you have to file for a parade permit.

12> You’re the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Savior S-Class.

11> It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into its orbit.

10> There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back seat.

9> It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.

8> It’s great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.

7> You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver’s seat.

6> Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.

5> Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.

4> When you pull up to the pharmacy window, they already have the package of extra small condoms bagged and ready to go.

3> You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately.

2> Due to new military intel that has narrowed the search down to the inside of your vehicle, President Bush remains confident that Osama Bin Laden will someday be found.

1> The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Un hombre en su lecho de muerte reuni� a su abogado, su doctor y el sacerdote de su parroquia y les entreg� a cada uno un sobre con $25,000 en efectivo. A cada uno le hizo prometer que tras su muerte pondr�an los tres sobres en su ataud, ya que quer�a tener suficiente dinero en la otra vida. Una semana m�s tarde el hombre muri�. En el velorio, el abogado, el doctor y el cura depositaron un sobre en el ataud y se despidieron de su amigo.

Casualmente, los tres se encontraron meses despu�s. El cura, sinti�ndose culpable, confes� que el sobre s�lo conten�a $10,000, ya que pens� que en lugar de desperdiciar ese dinero, pod�a aprovecharlo para una buena obra. El doctor, conmovido por la sinceridad del cura, confes� que �l tambi�n se hab�a quedado con parte del dinero y que el sobre s�lo conten�a $8,000.

Para entonces el abogado estaba que expoltaba de ira. Dijo que estaba profundamente desilusionado del comportamiento de sus dos amigo. Y a�adi�: “Yo soy el �nico que respet� la promesa que hicimos a nuestro amigo. Quiero que sepan que el sobre que puse en el ataud conten�a la cantidad completa. �De hecho, mi sobre conten�a mi cheque personal por los $25,000!”

14> It’s impossible to drive it in ONLY Rhode Island.

13> Your threats to “turn around and end this trip right now!” must be phoned in to be heard.

12> Backing out of the driveway requires canal locks, four tugboats, a team of engineers and clearance from the FAA.

11> Al Roker’s bariatric surgeon recommends you bring it into the garage to have its engine stapled.

10> It has its own congressman.

9> Climate control includes settings for the ozone level.

8> When you floor it, the earth slows down a tad.

7> You’re spending too much time prying Honda Civics out of your tire treads.

6> Every time you fill up, Saddam Hussein goes, “Cha-CHING!”

5> You have a “War and Peace” bumper sticker — the entire novel.

4> Your penis is actually shrinking just to compensate.

3> Three times this week you had to get the dealer to scrape migrating geese off the bumper.

2> Greenpeace has assigned the “Rainbow Warrior” Micro Bus to position itself between your SUV and the endangered Isuzu Amigos.

1> Rebel forces mistake it for a small moon.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, ‘My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.’ The second old fogey one-upped him and said, ‘My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.’ The third old man laughed and said, ‘That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!’

Q: What’s the difference between acne and a priest?

A: Acne doesn’t usually come on your face until you’re 14.

confusus say….
man who has hand in poket feels coaky all day

The French national anthem is mayonnaise.

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband
would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her
husband’s loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke
him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as
always, fell asleep.
“Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?” The wife stuck her
husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, “Oh my God!” The
preacher said, “That’s correct.” And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.
He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question “Who died on the cross to save us from
eternal damnation?” The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and
exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!” And the preacher said, “Right again.” With this, the
husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The
husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
“What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?” the preacher asked. The
wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped
up and exclaimed, “If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break
it in half!”

A young man walking through a supermarket noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.”Pardon me,” she said, ”I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.””I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, ”is there anything I can do for you?””Yes,” she said, ”As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’ ? It would make me feel so much better.””Sure,” answered the young man.As the old woman was leaving, he called out, ”Goodbye, Mother!”As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.”How can that be?” he asked, ”I only purchased a few things!””Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: ‘Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?’ ‘Yes,’ the professor ansvered. ‘When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.’ ‘Well,’ said the gatekeeper. ‘That is a very minor sin. You may enter.’ ‘Thank you very much, Saint Peter,’ the professor ansvered. ‘Im am not Saint Peter,’ said the gatekeeper. ‘He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.’