Category: other

Venancio no pod�a satisfacer a su bella esposa. Hab�a tratado multitud de m�todos pero nada hab�a funcionado. Finalmente fue a pedirle consejo a su mejor amigo, quien decidi� jugarle una broma y le dijo: “Este m�todo es 100 por ciento seguro: contrata a un tipo fuerte para que se pare junto a tu cama y les eche aire con una gran toalla mientras ustedes hacen el amor.”

Venancio contrat� al fortach�n, pero todos sus esfuerzos fueron en vano. As� que regres� con el amigo quien le dijo: “�Por qu� no cambias lugares? T� sacudes la toalla mientras el hombre fuerte hace el trabajo en la cama.”

Venancio dijo que estaba dispuesto a hacer cualquier cosa con tal de satisfacer a su esposa, as� que contrat� al mismo tipo y esta vez cambiaron posiciones. Naturalmente, la hermosa se�ora tuvo un orgasmo monumental.

Entonces Venancio se inclin� sobre el fortach�n y le dijo, “�Vez! �As� es como ten�as que mover la toalla!

Q: what�s brown and has holes?
a: swiss s***.

Dos tipos adictos al cigarrillo deciden caminar hasta la cima de una monta�a, cada cual con sus cigarros aparte. Sin embargo, uno de ellos se acab� m�s de la mitad de sus tabacos de subida; de regreso, al no quedarle ninguno, decide pedirle a su compa�ero, pero aquel se niega argumentando que le quedaban pocos. Tanto insiste, que el otro accede a darle un cigarro con una condici�n: que se baje los pantalones y se deje follar.

“�Qu� pas�, compadre, no que nosotros muy hombres!”

Tanta era la necesidad de nicotina, que despu�s de un rato acepta. Tiempo despu�s pide otro tabaco aceptando el trato. Ya casi para llegar, nuevamente pide otro cigarrillo.

“Lo siento, ya no traigo”.

Baj�ndose los pantalones, el m�s vicioso le contesta:

“No importa, me lo das en el pueblo”.

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the ‘Bible Belt,’ there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, “Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!”
The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, “One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded ‘Klu Klux Klan.’ This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now – right here – before my flock of loyal followers.”

Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, “Preacher, please, I don’t know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

3 sales men are traveling they need to find a place to stop and rest so they go to a hotel the clerk says ok that will be $15 so each of them brings out $5 and go up to there room the manager comes by the clerk and says you over charged them it was suppose to be only $10 so the clerk takes out $5 out of the cash register and is thinking how am i going to split $5 between 3 people so he pockets $2 and gives each of the people $1 back well then that means that each of them would have only payed $4 so 4 times 3 is $12 plus the $2 the guy pocketed which is $14 so what happened to the dollar?

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.”I’ve been a little sick to my stomach,” she replied.”Well,” said the older physician, “you’ve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps.”As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.”You didn’t even examine that woman,” the younger doctor stated.”I didn’t have to,” the elder physician explain. “You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill.””That’s pretty sneaky,” commented the younger doctor. “Do you mind if I try it at the next house?””I don’t suppose it could hurt anything,” the elder physician replied.At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.”I’ve felt terribly run down lately,” the widow replied. “I just don’t have as much energy as I used to.””You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. “Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps.”As they left, the elder physician said, “Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?””Sure,” replied the younger doctor. “Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!”

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs
frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the
bank and asks if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a
couple of hours.”

A team of archaeologists was digging in Israel when they found an old, worn
out rock. On the rock there were these drawings, in this order: a woman, a
donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a cross. The team was fascinated and was sure they
had found remnants of an unknown civilization. For months they researched and
tried to make sense of the drawings, and finally held a huge conference to tell
what they had come up with.
The team leader stood up and said, “Look here, the first picture is a woman.
We have determined that this means women were the dominant sex in this
civilization. The second symbol is a donkey. We think this means they had
domesticated animals. The third drawing is a shovel, showing they were
intelligent and used tools. Fourth there is a fish, which tells us they had
learned to reap from the sea as well as the land. Finally there is a cross,
which shows they were religious people. Any Questions?”
A Jew stands up in the back and says, “You said you found this in Israel. With
all due respect, sir, we read things from right to left in Hebrew. Those
pictures say, ‘Holy Mackerel Dig the Ass on that Woman!’ “

A doctor was waiting for his next patient and when they arrived, it was a
gorgeous blonde. The doctor almost lost his control because he was so attracted.
He let all professionalism go out the window and walked over to her. “What is
your name miss?” he asked. “Allie” she replied. He began to feel her breasts
because he was so wild with desire, and he said: “do you know what I am doing
Allie?” she said, “yes, you are checking lumbs in my breasts.” “Yes, that’s
right” he replied. He then began to rub his hands up and down her body. He said
to her “allie, do you know what I am doing now?” “Yes,” she said, “you are
checking me for any skin imperfections.” “That�s right,� he said. He finally
lost all control and began to have intercourse with the woman. “Now do you know
what I am doing Allie?” he asked, absolutely having the time of his life. “Yes,”
she said, “getting herpes which is why I came to see you.”

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.”Twenty bucks a trick!”These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivet� by asking the Mother Superior, “What is a trick?” She answers, “Twenty bucks — just like on the street.”

what dose a nigger and an apple have in common….. thay both look good hangin from a tree … hahahahahaha

100 men were waiting at the pearly gates of heaven to go when god appeared.

He said “since as you have all lived such good lifes, i will grant you all
one wish each!”

So, turning to guy No.1 he said “what would you like as your wish?”

“To be beautiful” was his reply, and so it was done.

God asked the question to man 2 and he also said to be beautiful.

Then they all were saying it and when it got to guy number 14, number 100 at the back began to giggle …

Guy 28 was saying he wanted to be beautiful when man 100 laughed out loud, and he got a piercing stare from everyone.

By the time it got to man 84, the number 100 was rollling on the floor
laughing his head off!!! But they all ignored him.

After man numero 99 said he wished to be hansome (a bit of variation!) the
guy 100 finally got his wish.

But first God asked why he was laughing, “no reason” he said; so God
shrugged his shoulders and asked him the same question as all the others:
“what do you want?”

The 100th guy said “To make them all butt-ugly again!”