Category: other

An 83-year-old woman decided that she’s seen and done everything and that the time had come to depart from this world.

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble was she wasn’t certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him.

He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left hip.

Q.) What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? A.) They’re hiring.

Q.) What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A.) “Dam.”

Q.) How do crazy people go through the forest? A.) They take the psycho path.

Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long? A.) Polaroids.

Q.) What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? A.) National Dyslexia Association.

Q.) What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A.) Nacho Cheese.

Q.) What do you call Santa’s helpers? A.) Subordinate Clauses.

Q.) What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? A.) Quattro sinko.

Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow? A.) Spoiled milk.

Q.) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A.) Frostbite.

Q.) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A.) A nervous wreck.

Q.) What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A.) Anyone can roast beef.

Q.) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A.) They all have phones.

Q.) What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A.) Sanka.

Q.) Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A.) Because they have big fingers.

Q.) What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A.) A dog that runs for help … after it bites your leg off.

Q.) What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A.) A stick.

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

“I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara,” exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory.”

“One day while fishing,” started the Christian,” I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him.”

“One day I was walking down the road,” explained the Jew,” I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehova, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday… “

Resulta que el Papa est� predicando una misa y de un instante a otro le da un paro cardiaco y muere. Al llegar al Cielo, toca a la puerta y desde adentro San Pedro pregunta:

“�Qui�n es?”

“Su Santidad”, contesta el Sumo Pont�fice.

En eso, adentro de la habitaci�n se escucha:

“�En la madre! Guarden el alcohol y las cervezas; t� Tadeo, dile a las monjas que se pongan las t�nicas y a las del table que se vistan, pero ya, r�pido…”

El Santo Padre, ya desesperado, llama otra vez y m�s fuerte.

“�Qui�n es?”, pregunta San Pedro nuevamente.

“�Su Santidad!”

�Ay, pinche Juan Pablo, grita m�s fuerte, pens� que dec�as SALUBRIDAD!”

A man and a woman are in a supermarket. They are standing in front of the water aisle.
The man wonders aloud, “Who would buy all this expensive Evian water anyway?”

The woman says, “Evian… It’s naive spelled backwards.”

why dont the mexicans have a navy?,
because cardboard doesn’t float!

Warnings to anyone who is Catholic and ‘sensitive’ to such humor. A recently deceased fellow stands before St. Peter and askes to be let into Heaven. St. Peter asks his religion, and the fellow replies ‘Episcopalian.’ St. Peter says: ‘Welcome to Heaven. Go to room 24. Please be very quiet as you pass room 8’.Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. ‘Religion’? ‘Baptist’. ‘Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass room 8’.A third man arrives at the gates. ‘Religion?’ ‘Jewish.’ ‘Go to room 11, but please be very quiet as you pass room 8’.The man says, ‘I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?’St. Peter tells him, ‘Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here’.

You got any overdue library books? ‘Cause you got fine written all over you!

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifed from
politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, ‘Take a clean dish!'”.

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

Your so dumb that if your brain was made of dynamite you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.

Venancio no pod�a satisfacer a su bella esposa. Hab�a tratado multitud de m�todos pero nada hab�a funcionado. Finalmente fue a pedirle consejo a su mejor amigo, quien decidi� jugarle una broma y le dijo: “Este m�todo es 100 por ciento seguro: contrata a un tipo fuerte para que se pare junto a tu cama y les eche aire con una gran toalla mientras ustedes hacen el amor.”

Venancio contrat� al fortach�n, pero todos sus esfuerzos fueron en vano. As� que regres� con el amigo quien le dijo: “�Por qu� no cambias lugares? T� sacudes la toalla mientras el hombre fuerte hace el trabajo en la cama.”

Venancio dijo que estaba dispuesto a hacer cualquier cosa con tal de satisfacer a su esposa, as� que contrat� al mismo tipo y esta vez cambiaron posiciones. Naturalmente, la hermosa se�ora tuvo un orgasmo monumental.

Entonces Venancio se inclin� sobre el fortach�n y le dijo, “�Vez! �As� es como ten�as que mover la toalla!

Q: what�s brown and has holes?
a: swiss s***.