Category: other

This fella goes to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I’ve got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?”

The doctor said “Put this on and come back next week if it doesn’t work.”

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn’t worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn’t work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn’t worked so the doctor says “Drop your pants.”

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says “Doctor it’s worked!! What was that?”

The doctor replies “Lipstick remover.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited By yisman

16> Not nearly as much leather on display as at last month’s Greater Milwaukee Dominatrix-and-Slave Convention.

15> Side trip to watch the Milwaukee Brewers canceled when it’s discovered that they’re a baseball team.

14> Drugs of choice? Tums, Viagra and sponsor Jack Daniel’s new “Hard Fiber” drink.

13> Jay Leno tarnishing the biker image by sporting a Hello Kitty T-shirt under his leather jacket.

12> Circa 1906 sepia prints of the first Harley mama to hoist her petticoat upon the beseechment “Prithee, display for us your cat-heads, madame!”

11> Thanks to “Hooked on Phonics,” most of the last decade’s tattoos were spelled correctly.

10> The teeth-to-tattoos ratio needs scientific notation to be expressed properly.

9> The mechanic who assembled the very first Harley showed up with his new girlfriend, Anna Nicole Smith.

8> In a stunning change, Siegfried for once taking the back seat to Roy.

7> Harley president’s speech interrupted by the dramatic drive-by of two hundred Segway-riding nerds.

6> Many of the bikers complaining that the teenagers at the campsite next door were making too much noise.

5> The two biggest gangs? Hell’s Lawyers and the Wild Accountants.

4> By the end of the weekend, legions of bandaged and bleeding hardcore outlaw bikers all regret having laughed at Rosie O’Donnell.

3> (1) Some celebrities are not universally recognized.
(2) All of the “Fab Five’s” heads fit in one dufflebag.

2> “I call it ‘Rolling Thunder’ — but my doctor calls it a spastic colon.”

1> Putting on the magical Sorting Hat to separate attendees into the two Harley Houses of Badassdor and Poseurpuff.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to
Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer ([email protected]).

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife’s exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson ([email protected]) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.”

Un loro que viv�a en un prost�bulo ten�a la man�a de repetir todos los d�as, a manera de queja, lo siguiente:

“La misma casa, las mismas mujeres, los mismos clientes”.

Al d�a siguiente lo mismo. Las prostitutas lo amenazaban y �l segu�a diciendo:

“La misma casa, las mismas mujeres, los mismos clientes”.

As�, todos los d�as con lo mismo, hasta que un buen d�a las meretrices le pegaron hasta dejarlo casi moribundo y lo botaron a la calle. En ese momento pasaban un par de monjas que tuvieron compasi�n del periquito y lo llevaron al convento. El ave, luego de recuperarse, se despierta en la iglesia, abre los ojos y se asombra exclamando:

“Diferente casa, diferentes mujeres pero los mismos clientes”.

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age”
and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before,
his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material
he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d
like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d
like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might
drafty up dem tings!” So the tailor took the material and promised to call the
young lad when the order was completed. A few days later, the tailor called the
lad back to the shop. “Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and
here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and
keep it in case you want anything else made of it.” So the lad rushed home with
his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his
excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new
purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When
his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “well, what’d
ye think?” “Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed. “Aye, and if ye
like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt
to show here. ;Oh, but dat’s a dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still
not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly,
“aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours.

Agenda follows:

Day 1: The “10 Deadliest Snakes” Fall Tour.

You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world’s 10 most deadly snakes.

Day 2: The “Great White Encounter”.

You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of theGreat White shark.

Day 3: The Aboriginal “Festival of Spears”.

You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a specialweapons exhibition.

Day 4: The “Crocodile Dundee” Petting Zoo.

You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: “Those Marvelous Morays”.

This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of StubbyHand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip!Your loyal employees.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996
Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world,
and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing
so, stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next
to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car
and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?”

The young many replies “A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.”

“That’s a lot of money!” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost
so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool
dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?”

“Sure” replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car,
all right!” Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!”

“What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?” the
young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooosshh!
It goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the
moped!

“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Turbo
BeepBeep?”

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whoooshka-BbblaMMM! It
plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it IS the old man!!! Of
course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up
to the dying old man and says, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I
can do for you?”

The old man groans and replies “Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your
side-view mirror!”

Un tipo est� parado en una esquina fum�ndose un pucho; en eso ve un Renault Megane �ltimo modelo, amarillo, parado en el sem�foro. Del interior del auto, un sujeto le hace se�as:

“Ven�, aguant� que estaciono”.

El tipo se acerca al veh�culo con admiraci�n:

“�Qu� hac�s, jet�n? �Qu� hac�s? �Mir� la plata que hiciste! �Te ganaste el loto?”

“No, laboro en los ba�os de Constituci�n”.

“�C�mo?”

“S�, escucha: yo entro al ba�o y hago que estoy meando; cuando entra un tipo a mear, saco la navaja, le agarro la poronga y le digo: me das la plata o te la corto. Y as� saco $700 mangos por d�a”.

“�Uh, qu� bueno! �Vos crees que yo podr�a probar?”

“Y s�, todo depende de vos. Toma, esta es la navaja, anda, hace lo que te cont� y ma�ana hablamos, �dale!”

“�Dale!”

Al otro d�a se encuentran de nuevo estos dos personajes:

“�Y c�mo te fue?”

“B�rbaro, hice $40 mangos”.

“�Eso s�lo?”

“S�, pero… �Mir� la poronga que me traje, pelotudo!”

confucious say crowded elavator smell different to midget

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off
considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he
felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman
snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, “I’ve always wondered what a
Scotsman wears under his kilt.”
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what
nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, “Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be
rewarded!” So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around
what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and
walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve him. He raised his
kilt…and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of
bewilderment, the Scotsman said…
” I dinna know where y’been lad…but its nice ta’know y’won first prize!”

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . “

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they
got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and
I’m with XYZ Company. ” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask,
“What are you wearing?”

5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries
to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do
it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you
be my friend?”

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get
out goat blood? How about human blood?”

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can’t
sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, “Oh my God!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she
will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the
Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say,
“I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer
will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them
on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food
loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they
could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably
tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come
on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .
louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers.
No animals were harmed in the testing

Juan hablando con Mar�a:

“Oye, Mar�a, �sabes qu� pondr� en tu epitafio cuando mueras?”

“�Qu�?”

“Aqu� yace Mar�a, fr�a como siempre”.

“�Y a qu� no sabes lo que pondr� yo?”

“�Qu�?”

“Aqu� yace Juan, tieso y duro como nunca”.