Category: other

I like to see ugly people holding hands.
I figure it gets them both out of circulation.

-Gallagher

A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true/false – type statements.

The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet.

Heads means true, tails means false.

The young student is all done in 20 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.

But, suddenly during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The teacher, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.

‘Well I finished the exam in half an hour,’ says the student, ‘but I thought I ought to recheck my answers.’

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were surrounded by Indians who wanted
to kill them. The Lone Ranger looked over at Tonto and said,
“Tonto, what do we do now?” Tonto looked back and said, “What’s
this ‘WE’ shit, white man?!”

The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor “Big Chief no fart.”The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day.The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, “Big Chief no fart.”The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour.The girl comes back the next day and says, “Big Chief no fart.”After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour.The next day the girl comes back crying and says “Big fart no Chief!”

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”

Genesis 3:10: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself.”

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

An American and Japanese were sitting next to each other on a plane. The
American turned and asked the Japanese, “what kind of -ese are you?”

The Japanese man answered, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.”

“What kind of -ese are you?� the American repeated. The Japanese was showing
obvious confusion. Irritated, the American explained “are you Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese, what?”
“Oh, I’m Japanese.”

Soon after the Japanese turned to the American and asked him what kind of -key
he was. The American, now annoyed, replied “what d’you mean, ‘key’??”

The Japanese asked again, “are you a monkey, a donkey, or a Yankee?”

Paddy and Mike had just arrived in New York from Dublin and were walking
around the city. Since they didn’t know about traffic signals they crossed
the street at will and were almost hit several times. Finally, Officer
Flaherty spots them and comes running up, yelling, “Are ye daft, crossin’
on the red?” “Pardon us, constable,” Paddy says, “but we’ve just come from
the Old Country.” “Ah, well,” the cop says, “that explains it. Listen,
you only cross when the light is green. Ya got that?…only on the green!”
So Paddy and Mike continue their walk, and they wait on the orange and red
and only cross on the green. After they wait through a few orange and red
lights, Paddy turns to Mike and says, “They don’t give the Protestants much
time to get across, do they?”

Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already
in the U.S.

Un hombre fue a ver a su doctor para consultarlo sobre la falta de apetito sexual de su mujer. El doctor le dio una botella de p�ldoras y le dijo: “Antes de que su esposa de duerma, dele un vaso de leche con dos de estas p�ldoras y ver� c�mo se pone…”

Esa noche, el tipo hace lo que el doctor le recomend�, pero piensa: “Por qu� ha de tener ella sola toda la diversi�n”, y se toma el resto de las p�ldoras.

Despu�s de media hora los dos se duermen. De pronto, la mujer se levanta en la cama, golpea a su marido y dice, “�Querido, querido, lev�ntate! �Necesito un hombre ahora mismo!”

El marido se sienta en la cama y grita, “�Yo tambi�n, yo tambi�n!”

Have you heard about the amazing new discovery?

It’s a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have splitting headaches.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

What do you call 20 dead frenchmen in the back of a lorry.
A good days hunting.