Category: other

Oil is up to 60 dollars a barrel.

In fact, today President Bush declared war on Alaska.

-Jay Leno

1.Lie in the middle of the mall, motionless. Scare anyone who
comes near you.
2.Walk up to someone and say “I know where you live. I just
don’t know where I live, can you help me?”
3.Start a song
4.Hide in fake plants and throw french fries at people
5.camp out
6.Visit santa several times. try to cut in line.
7.Try on all the shoes in a shoe store.
8.Take the coins people throw in the fountain
9.replace a manakin with yourself
10.Act mentally retarted and go around asking people if they’ve
seen your baseball
11.Hide and go seek
12.Buy fish from a pet store and release them in the fountain
13.Take a stroller and put a baby doll in it. Run it around at
high speeds and let it go.
14.try to start a cult
15.baptise someone in the fountain
16.steal all the straws and napkins in the food court. sell them
at high prices
17.water fake plants
18.”test” the chairs until they kick you out.
19.Take a nap in a display bed
20.Wear cruthes. Fall down and see how many people help you
21.try to “posess” somebody
22.perform an exorcism on an old, grumpy person
23.Have a staring contest with the manakins
24.Get into a violent argument with a manakin
25.sit next to someone on a bench. Then say “did you grab my
ass?”
26.Pretent to be blind. Take a cane and whack people with it
27.wear a sign that says Pony Ride: 25 cents!
28.walk around in an orange jumpsuit.
29.confiscate items that people have already bought
30.Walk up to some one and say proudly “I remembered my pants
today!

By Bink2001 “Funny.com saved my life!”

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: “Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin” Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: “Returned unopened”

Police raided the Neverland ranch of Michael Jackson again.

He was reported to be so upset, he dangled himself over a balcony.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question, but as he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.’

She replies, ‘if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.’

A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it: “I pray for all.”
A Solicitor wrote underneath: “I plead for all.”

A doctor added: “I prescribe for all.”

A simple citizen wrote: “I pay for all.”

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”
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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some. Amen.”
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One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”
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And one particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
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A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping,”
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
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Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’ Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up I’m going to give you some money.” “Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”
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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
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(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)Dogs tags ring, are you listening’?In the lane, snow is glistening’.It’s yellow, not white — I’ve been there tonight,Marking up my winter wonderland.Smell that tree?  That’s my fragrance.It’s a sign for wand’ring vagrants;”Avoid where I pee, it’s my property!Marked up as my winter wonderland.”In the meadow dad will build a snowman,following the classical design.Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go, man,So all the world will know it’s mine-mine-mine!Straight from me to the fence post,flows my natural incense boast;”Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,I mark it as my winter wonderland.”

I like to see ugly people holding hands.
I figure it gets them both out of circulation.

-Gallagher

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a “silent” debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.”

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened.

“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘Up yours’. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews … we stay right here!”

“And then?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”

A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true/false – type statements.

The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet.

Heads means true, tails means false.

The young student is all done in 20 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.

But, suddenly during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The teacher, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.

‘Well I finished the exam in half an hour,’ says the student, ‘but I thought I ought to recheck my answers.’

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were surrounded by Indians who wanted
to kill them. The Lone Ranger looked over at Tonto and said,
“Tonto, what do we do now?” Tonto looked back and said, “What’s
this ‘WE’ shit, white man?!”