What do you call an unemployed jester? … Nobody’s fool.
Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at.
Why politicians don’t enjoy the game of golf — Because for them, it’s too much like their work — you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.
Feminist’s lament: “I think, therefore I am single.”
Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: “Push … Push …Push!”
Sign in a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.”
Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: “Reserved for plant manager.”
Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: “Please do not disturb further.”
Sign in a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn
to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?
Never face facts; if you do, you’ll never get up in the morning.
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor? … Make me one with everything.
What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? … WET
rocks.
Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as we’ve already gone.
Personals Ad: “Financially Unstable Man – I owe everyone money. If you’re not one of my creditor, I’d like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99.”
Personals Ad: “Physician, 35 – Desires to meet that special woman with
real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67.”
Sign in a cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.” (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): “Socks can eat anyplace they want.”
Sign in a restaurant window: “T-bone: 99 Cents.” (Then, in fine print underneath: “With meat: $14.95”).
A hardware store has a sign that reads: “Today’s special. (Then, below it,in pencil): “So’s tomorrow.”
Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: “Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.”
Chinese proverb: “If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum.”
How can there be self-help “groups”?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?