Category: other

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks the mother.

“I was taking pee and this bullet came out.” replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. “Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out.”

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. “It’s okay,” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.”

“No,” says the boy, “I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Q:why does osama bid ladin always carry a pieace of sand paper?

A:because if he gets lost he can use it as a map!

Yo family is so poor that when I asked to borrow your skateboard, you said no you can not take our motor home.

De los 13 a los 18 a�os est� como Am�rica Latina:
En pleno desarrollo.

De los 19 a los 25 a�os est� como �frica:
Mitad virgen y mitad explorada.

De los 26 a los 35 a�os est� como Asia:
Ardiente pero misteriosa.

De los 36 a los 45 a�os est� como Europa:
Conservadora pero interesante.

De los 46 a los 55 a�os est� como Estados Unidos:
Pura tecnolog�a.

De los 56 a los 65 a�os est� como China:
Puro cuento.

De los 66 a los 70 a�os est� como Cuba:
Todos saben d�nde est� pero nadie quiere verla.

De los 71 a�os en adelante est� como Venezuela:
Existe, pero est� toda esco�etada.

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKEDTOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

an englishman an irishman and a scotish man were trapped on a dessert island the scotish man found a magic lamp and rubbed it a gennie came out to grant them 3 wishes the scotishman wish t go to his local pub poof he went ,the englishman wish t go to his local pub poof he went then the irish man said i miss my new friends i wish they were back poof they apeared back each with a pint in there hands

One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives.

Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.

Bernie asked Kirk, “Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?”

Kirk replied, “Really? I had no idea. What are they?”

Bernie answered, “Well, they are the Positive, Negative, Religious, and the Fake.”

“What’s the difference?” asked Kirk.

Bernie replied, “The Positive goes, ‘Oh yes! Ooh yes!’ The Negative goes, ‘Oh no! Oh no!’ The religious goes, ‘Oh God! Oh God!’ and the fake one goes, ‘Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Dear Tide,
I have always used your product ever since my college days,
because mom says it was the best. One weekend about a month ago,
I was at my girlfriend’s place, wearing my new white shirt. Much
to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She
made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to
another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white
shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn’t
do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and
picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well
that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I can’t praise
your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go
now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty
garbage bags…

Thanks again!

John Smith

A truck driver was driving down a road when he saw a sign that read low bridge. Next thing the driver knows is that he was stuck under the bridge. Traffic was backed up for miles.

A police officer finally makes his way to the truck and says with his hands on his hips, “Got stuck, huh?”

The driver replied, “No, I was delivering the bridge and ran out of gas.”

10. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell”.

9. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, bitch!”

8. Your garbage can IS your “in” box.

7. You find yourself taking long coffee breaks talking to your worst enemy in her office, so she doesn’t get any work done either.

6. You clean your desk off by sweeping everything into a box once a week.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

2. You use Day-Timer more often as coaster than to plan your schedule.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one
farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, “Well, I guess we
won’t have a service today.” The farmer replied: “Heck, if even only one
cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.”

Un misionero que hab�a pasado a�os ense�ando a los nativos a cultivar la tierra y a ser autosuficientes, se entera de que lo van a transferir a otro lugar. Entonces piensa que lo �nico que nunca les ense�� es a hablar el espa�ol, as� que toma al Jefe y comienza a caminar con �l en la jungla. El misionero apunta a un �rbol y le dice al Jefe: “Esto es un �rbol.”

El Jefe mira al �rbol y dice, “Arbol.” El misionero sonr�e satisfecho con la respuesta.

Caminan un poco m�s y el misionero se�ala una roca y dice, “Esto es una roca.”

El Jefe dice, “Roca.”

En eso oyen un ruido entre los arbustos y cuando se asoman ven a una pareja en plena actividad rom�ntica. El misionero se pone nervioso y dice, “Pedalear la bicicleta.”

El Jefe mira a la pareja por un momento, toma su lanza y los mata. El misionero se enfurece y grita al jefe que ha pasado a�os ense��ndoles como ser civilizados y amables unos con otros, as� que c�mo pod�a �l matar a esas personas a sangre fr�a como si nada.

El Jefe responde: “Mi bicicleta.”