Category: other

El argentino que le dice a su esposa:

“Mi amor hoy pienso hacer el amor mudo.”

“�C�mo, calladito?”

Y el marido le responde:

“No, sin VOS”

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: “Removed bowling ball from trunk.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had lunch with U2’s Bono to talk about Third World debt.

Is he the best choice?

I mean if your going to talk to a rock star who’s an expert on massive debt then maybe MC Hammer’s the guy you want to talk to.

-Jay Leno

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

She replied, “Sure, but only if you DON’T go into the basement!”.

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement… only to find that it’s full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, “Okay, now I’m going to have to add you all to my collection.”

She asks the first man, “What does YOUR father do for a living?” and he says “Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business.”

So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, “What does YOUR father do for a living?” and he replies in tears “My dad is in the tool supply industry.”

So she finds a saw and off does his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! “Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don’t you know what’s going to happen to you!?!”

He smiles and says, “Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business – you’re gonna hafta suck mine off!”

Editor’s Note: I’ll warn you, it’s in fairly bad taste.————————————“Space Odd-Do-Ti” sung to David Bowie’s “Space Oddity”Ground control to Father JohnGround control to Father JohnPut your purple shrouds and clean white Nikes onGround control to Father JohnCommencing reboot, PC’s onCheck our Web page and may Ti’s love be with you(lift-off)This is Ground Control to Father JohnWe’ve all had alcoholMixed with applesauce and phenol-barbitolNow it’s time to just lie down and end it allThis is Father John to Ground ControlI’ll castrate all the menAnd rejoin our UFO and alien friendAnd we can’t wait ’til Hale-Bopp returns againFor Rio’s speaking for the cameraFar beyond insanePlanet Earth is due for a Y2K review(break, instrumental)Though I’m past 100 million milesI’m feeling very stillAnd my vehicle no longer has a soulTell your wives and kids you love them / Yes they knowGround Control to Father JohnYour cult is sick, there’s something wrongCan you hear me, Father JohnCan you hear me, Father JohnCan you hear me, Father JohnCan you hear/here am I lying in a bunk bedFar beyond insaneFace and lips are blue and there’s nothing I can do

Somebody in the advertising business has a strange sense of humor.

I just heard about a brand of dog food that’s called Mailman Helper.

A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.”It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things,” he said. He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.”We put our TV away in the closet.””That’s right,” his wife mumbled, “and it gets awfully crowded in there.”

David Copperfield has just finished his magic show.

He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.

Nobody puts their hand up except one man.

David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick.

The man says, “For this trick, David, I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer and I will also need a table.”

He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it.

He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her underwear and takes her from behind.

David Copperfield is horrified and says, “That’s not a trick!!”

To which the man replies, “I know, but it’s fucking magic.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Bill Gates tragically died in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter.

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows XP. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before . . . I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

“So what’s the difference between the two?” Bill asked. St. Peter said, “I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

“Fine! Where should I go first?” “You decide.” “Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is Hell, I’d REALLY like to see Heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but nothing like Hell. It didn’t take long for Bill to reach his decision.

“I think I prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming among hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill Gates. His voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”

“Oh, that was a demo,” replied St. Peter. “This is the release version.”

When is a woman above a man?

When the kitchen is upstairs!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

In the suburbs, there’s grass. In the ghetto, there’s grass grower.
* In the suburbs, there’s ”corner stores.” In the ghetto, there are liquor
stores, bail bonds, weed, and lottery numbers in one building.
* In the suburbs, there’s microbrews. In the ghetto, there’s 40 ounces.
* In the suburbs, there’s homemade acid. In the ghetto, there’s ”sizurp.”
* in the suburbs, the ice cream man sells just ice cream. In the ghetto, he
sells ice cream, chips, drinks, candy, and crack, weed and mix tapes.
* In the suburbs, there’s a response to a 911 call. ‘Nuff said.
* In the suburbs, there are neighborhood parks. In the ghetto, there are
corners.
* In the suburbs, there are lifestyles of the rich and famous. In the
ghetto, there are lifestyles of the broke and pissed off.
* In the suburbs, there’s Rover, Spot, etc. In the ghetto, there’s Butch,
Killa, Boo….
* in suburban schools, teachers are fired. In ghetto schools, teachers quit.
* In the suburbs, kids wear red, white or blue because they ”just like the
color.” In the ghetto, kids wear red white or blue ”cuz that’z what I claim.’
* In the suburbs, kids come home with candy. In the ghetto, kids come home
with candy, coke can tops, crack pipes, etc.
* in the suburbs, you pop firecrackers on the 4th of July. In the ghetto, you
pop firecrackers from the end of school until Halloween.
* In the suburbs, you have ”Honey I’m home” in the ghetto, you have ��who
was that came in the doe’?!”
* In the suburbs, dad’s oldies are the Beatles, John Denver, etc. In the
suburbs, dad’s oldies are George Clinton, Zapp and Roger and the O’Jays–until
they were stolen.
* In the suburbs, teenage bands consist of drums, bass, regular guitar, and
the main vocalist. In the ghetto, teenage ”bands” consists of a table, a
hairbrush and 15 or 20 dudes standing around taking turns freestyle’.
* In the suburbs, cable consists of 100 regular channels, and all the premium
and pay-per-view channels In the ghetto, you have cable running from next door,
60 out of the 100 channels show up, and the others need a clothes hanger and
some aluminum foil to show up halfway decent.
* In the suburbs, dad keeps his gun hid in a closet, and breaks it out during
hunting season. In the ghetto, you got to pack the steel everywhere you go.
* In the suburbs, you have community watch service. In the ghetto, you just
have the community watch signs, spray-painted over.
* In the suburbs, you have bandanas in the ghetto, you have ”rags.”
* in the suburbs, you wear your jewelry. In the ghetto, you ”floss yo’ ice.”
* In the suburbs, if your lights are cut off, you use candles.
* In the ghetto, you take your lamp and 2 or 3 extension cords and use the
next-door neighbor’s power.
* In the suburbs, potholes are in the middle of street. In the ghetto,
Michelob bottles, and cigarette butts are in the middle of street.

A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt.

Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic up to that point anyway.

They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem.

Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman