Category: other

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,

‘Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny… keep me potent.’

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,
‘If you take this, you’ll go mental for 12 hours.’

Very happy and excited, the man says, ‘Gimme three boxes.’

The next day the man walks into the same chemist’s shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man’s cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, ‘Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.’

The chemist replies, ‘Deep Heat? You’re not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?’

The man says, ‘No, it’s for my arms. The girls didn’t show up.’

diarea is hereditary, it runs in you jeans

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, “I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!”

“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see how Jesus fared.” Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is stunned and stutters, “But how?! How did he do that?!”

God chuckles, “Jesus Saves!”

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

Sucede que un marcianito va con su pap� viajando por el espacio. Se van acercando a la Tierra y el extraterrestre le dice asustado a su pap�:

“Pap�, pap�, �qu� es eso?

“Ah, hijito, eso es un sat�lite”.

“�Y de d�nde es?”

“De Rusia, hijito”.

“�Y c�mo sabes eso?”

“Porque dice URSS”.

“�Oh!”

Pasa un rato, y de nuevo el alien�gena:

“Pap�, pap�, �qu� es eso?”

“Ese es otro sat�lite, hijito”.

“�Y de d�nde es?”

“De Estados Unidos, hijito”.

“�Y c�mo sabes?”

“Porque dice USA”.

“�Oh!”

Y m�s tarde de nuevo:

“�Pap�, pap� mira otro sat�lite!”

“S�, efectivamente es otro sat�lite”.

“�Y de d�nde es �ste?”

“De M�xico, hijito”.

“�Y c�mo sabes?”

“Pues porque dice: Puto el que lo lea”.

The Mother and daughter were shopping for the girl’s bridal gown. The Mother said, “Thank goodness, I’ll see you get married in white,” the Mother said.”Why’s that Mother ?” the daughter asked.”Well dear, to be honest, only a virgin should be married in a white gown; otherwise, lavender is used.””Oh!” replied the girl.”Well, how about a white gown with lavender trim?”

Estaba una se�ora y su hijo de cinco a�os, esperando para tomar un taxi; finalmente consiguen uno, se suben y mientras van andando el nene ve a una prostituta en la calle, y le pregunta a la madre:

“Mam�, �qu� hacen esas se�oras con tan poca ropa?”

La madre sorprendida con la pregunta responde: “Esas se�oras, hijo, son vendedoras ambulantes y tiene poca ropa porque no tienen mucho dinero.”

En ese momento, el taxista se mete en la conversaci�n, y la critica: “�Pero se�ora!, no le mienta al chico, �no ve que as� lo est� llevando por el camino de la mentira?, h�game el favor, no le inculque malos h�bitos al chico, y d�gale la verdad!”

Despues de eso, el taxista le contesta al chico: “Esas se�oras, nene, son putas.”

Al oir eso, el chico le pregunta a la madre: “Mam� �qu� son las putas?”

A lo que ella contesta: “Las putas, cari�o, son se�oras que se acuestan con otros hombres que no son sus maridos, y cuando tienen hijos los hacen taxistas.”

These 3 guys were in heaven and jesus was only taking the worst deaths so everyone had to tell them how they died.

Guy #1
I suspected my wife was cheating on me so i went to her apartment and saw a guy hanging over the balcony, so i started hammering his fingers and when he finally fell i threw a refrigerator on him. Then i was so mad that my wife had cheated on me that i commited suicide. Thats how i died.

Guy #2
I was doing my daily arobics on the balcony when all the sudden i fell. i was on the edge of the balcony i was hoping someone would save me…the suddenly this crazy man started banging my fingers with a hammer. Then i fell and he threw a refrigerator on me! Thats how i died.

Guy #3
I was naked in the refrigerator!

Why can’t you circumcise Iranians?

– There’s no end to those pricks.

He:”I’ve got an idea”
She:”Beginner’s luck”
He:”Are you trying to make a monkey out of me?”
She:”No, why should I take the credit?”
He:”So it’s a battle of wits between us?”
She:”No, I never pick on an unarmed man”
He:”I manage to keep my head above water”
She:”That’s because wood floats”
He:”I won’t stand these insults. I have a lot of backbone”
She:”Yes, but the bone is all at the top”
He:”Intelligence reigns supreme in our family”
She:”Well, you must have been born during a dry spell”
He:”I’m nobody’s fool”
She:”Perhaps you can get someone to adopt you”
He:”My mother thinks I’m a great wit”
She:”She’s half right”
He:”You are driving me out of my mind”
She:”It’s not a drive, it’s a putt.”

(Joke taken from: “The Serious Joke Book” by George Coote)

Welcome to my ool. Notice there is no p in it. Lets keep it that way.

En el zoo de Bilbao, un chico se cae al foso de los leones y cuando estaban a punto de com�rselo, salta un joven y rescata al menor.

Los viandantes le felicitan, y aparece un equipo de audaces reporteros del EGIN para hacerle una entrevista:

EGIN: “Hola, buenas, �qu� ha ocurrido?”

“Pues que he visto que el chico ha ca�do al foso, y cuando he visto que no pod�a salir, me he lanzado a salvarlo”.

EGIN: “Vaya, desde luego eres todo un h�roe, t� eres de Bilbao �no?”

“Pues no, yo soy de Badajoz, y estoy aqu� porque me han trasladado de funcionario”.

EGIN: “Pero tu familia es de aqu� �no?”

“Pues no, todos est�n en Extremadura”.

EGIN: “Bueno, a pesar de eso est�s a favor de la Patria Vasca y de la independencia de Euskadi �no?”

“�No, no!, yo estoy a favor de una Espa�a… una grande y libre”.

EGIN: “Hummm… bien… vale… adi�s”.

Al d�a siguiente aparece en la portada del EGIN:

“ESC�NDALO: NUEVA AGRESI�N IMPERIALISTA

JOVEN NEONAZI QUITA LA COMIDA DE LA BOCA AL LE�N DEL ZOO

(Se estudia que se hayan podido usar fondos reservados del Ministerio del Interior)

CONVOCADA JUSTA MANIFESTACI�N DE PROTESTA”.