Category: other

Ancient History Explained…

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:

A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.

After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem – most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said, “I’m sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, “Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!”

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.

One night the daughter came home looking very down. “How did you do tonight?” asked her mother.

“Not too good,” replied the daughter. “I only got $20 for a blow job.”

“Wow!” said the mother, “In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!”

“Good God!” said the grandmother. “In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

�Es usted bien paraguayo?

Ud. es un paraguayo ‘Taky’ (purete) si:

� Cree que el paraguayo por lo general es tavy.
� Cree que la corrupci�n es algo folcl�rico.
� Tiene negocios turbios m�nimo con el se�or obispo.
� Tiene en su �mnibus la imagen de la virgen de Caacup� de un lado y del otro el p�ster desplegable de una modelo en poca o ninguna ropa.
� Cuando se r�e siempre termina con un “iiuuu” final.
� Su sueldo es obviamente mucho menos de lo que gasta mensualmente.
� Calcula un caj�n de cerveza por invitado.
� Calcula 1 kilo de carne por invitado si NO hay chorizos antes.
� Igual nom�s calcula 1 kilo de carne por invitado si hay chorizos antes.
� Cree que chupar es la actividad recreativa por excelencia.
� Dice que falto trago cuando pudieron salir caminando de la fiesta.

Tambi�n Ud. podr� acreditar ser un paraguayo ‘Taky’ si es que:

� Tiene la esperanza de que el fin del mundo va a solucionar los problemas del pa�s.
� Cree que los corruptos sobrevivir�n al fin del mundo.
� Con el tema del fin del mundo encontr� ya otra vez una raz�n para chupar hasta la muerte.
� Para prepararse para la cat�strofe del planeta no acopia alimentos sino grandes cantidades de cerveza.
� Cree que los pol�ticos pueden evitar el fin del mundo.
� Cree que el verdadero y terror�fico fin del mundo ser� cuando se acaben las bebidas.
� Cree que ning�n terremoto puede empeorar m�s de lo que ya est�n nuestras calles.

Finalmente, si quiere ser un paraguayo ‘Taky’ todav�a tiene la opci�n si es que:

� Cree que todo se festeja con asado y chupi.
� Cree que ‘celebraci�n espont�nea’ significa ‘chupi’ solo.
� Con tal de chupar celebra hasta el aniversario de su operaci�n de apendicitis.
� Tiene un ‘socio’ que le consiga acelerar algo en cualquier dependencia p�blica.
� No puede ver un partido de f�tbol por TV si no es acompa�ado de chupi, asado y toda la perrada.
� Vive en Asunci�n, pero tiene chapa de Ypehu y registro de conducir de Carapegua.
� Cree que la ca�a con ruda es remedio, y si no hay ruda, la ca�a igual cura la mitad.
� Cuando se habla de escuchar algo folcl�rico paraguayo llama por celular a los mariachis.
� Cree que ‘ambientar’ una fiesta es poner cuatro globos en la puerta y tener treinta cajones de cerveza enfriando.
� Cuando le rechazan un trago le pregunta a la otra persona: ‘�qu� le duele?’
� Cuando come cualquier cosa con pan y si es posible ‘en medio’ como s�ndwich (ejemplo: empanadas con pan).
� Nunca va solo al ba�o
� Deja la puerta abierta cuando est� en el ba�o ‘cambiando el agua al canario’.

�PIIIIIIIIPUUUUU, AS� SOMOS LOS PARAGUAYOS, CARAJO! �Y A MUCHA HONRA! �VERDAD?

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and she let a big fart.

She looked up and said: “Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!”

(Sung to the tune from ‘Beverly Hillbillies’)

Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena’s in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend

Curve, that is
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there!”
To John Wayne’s henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a dick Doc said, “Hey I can fix that dong.”
A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need
And the whole world waited ’til they heard that Johnny peed

Whizzed, that is
Even seam,
Straight stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape

Video, that is
Unexposed.
Case closed.
Ya’ll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear….

What the Engineer says (What it really means)

A number of different approaches are being tried.

(We are still grasping at straws.)

We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.

(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

Close project coordination.

(We know who to blame.)

Major technological break through.

(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.

(We are so far behind schedule the customer is

happy to get it delivered.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.

(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying.

(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned.

(The only person who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process.

(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

We’ll look into it.

(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

Please read and initial.

(Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)

Give us the benefit of your thoughts.

(We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)

Give us your interpretation.

(I can’t wait to hear this!)

See me, or Let’s Discuss.

(Come into my office, I’m lonely.)

All new!

(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged

(Too heavy to lift!)

Lightweight

(Lighter than rugged.)

Years of development

(One finally worked.)

Energy saving

(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

Low maintenance

(Impossible to fix if broken.)

How do Chinese parents determine the name of thier children?

They throw a metal pan down the stairs.{dink, dank, kooong}

How to identify where a driver is from…

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um” …. also seen a lot in Parksville!!!

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he replies. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

“So he’s in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest.”

“That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,” the man said.

“Exactly,” replies the Doc.

A woman and her young son were standing in line at the bank waiting for the next available teller. The little boy was becoming very irritable and his mother was trying to calm him down. Without much luck, she said in a fairly loud voice, “If you don’t settle down right now I will pull your pants down in front of the whole bank and spank your butt!!!”

With that the little boy announced, “If you spank my butt, I’ll tell the whole bank that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee pee.”

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, “Son what happened?”

“I jumped in that creek down the road.”
“Why did you do that?”
“I dunno.”

His dad was very angry and said, “If you jump in that creek again, just because, I’m gonna tan that hide – just because! Is that clear?”
“Yes dad.” replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, “Didn’t I tell you not to jump in that creek again?”
“Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!”

His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him – “Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say ‘Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus’.”
“Ok dad.” replied the son.

Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said, “I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!”

“I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!”

A guy is walking down the street, and he’s really horny.

So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he’s really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says “Look, I only have five dollars. I’m really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!”

The guy there says “OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin.”

“What’s a penguin?”

“You’ll see!!!”

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom.

The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his “penguin.” Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job.

Just as he’s about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.

Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting….

“HEY! WHAT’S A PENGUIN ?!”