Category: other

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that
stuff?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why does a house burn down and furniture burn up?

Why do they call it a Hot water heater? If the waters already
hot, why heat it. It should be called a cold water heater right?

A young executive was working late, trying to impress his boss.

As he was leaving the office at 7 p.m., he found the CEO standing in front of the document shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary left hours ago. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive.

Excited with the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

As his paper disappeared inside the machine the relieved CEO says, “Now, I just need one copy.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

For Chocolate Lovers:

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

YOU MEAN ME?A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

What is the height of laziness?

Adoption.

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites.She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.After a few minutes there’s a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they’re laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, ‘I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.’The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, ‘Was I already here?’

You Might Be a Redneck If

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve
yourselves.

You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

There’s an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.

You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

You think “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much
the diaper will hold.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.

Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache

You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

Your chili’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

You have a refrigerator just for beer.

Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

The trunk of your car is tied down and you’re not hauling anything.

You refer to the fifth grade as “my senior year.”

You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.

Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
state patrolman to kiss her ass.

You did not put the pink plastic flamingos in your front yard as a joke.

You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

Your Fourth of July cookout has ever been ruined because someone got drunk
and burned the Spam.

Q. what did batman say to robin before he got into the car.

A. get into the car

Q: What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? A: It’s ass.

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in the main dining room of an expensive
restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself. After he
was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. “Ah, my friend,” he said, “that
was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don’t remember that I was a guest at this same
table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn’t pay the check, so you,
sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners and thrown into the
gutter just as if I were a bum!” “I am so sorry, sir” said the head waiter.
“But, you understand-” “Oh it’s quite all right!” interrupted the gentleman, but
I’m afraid I’ll have to trouble you again.”

a gangter is down on his luck and decides to hire assasins to
take out his competition. he doesnt have much money left, so he
hires 2 blond assassins.

The blonde assasins met up on monday in front of the other
gangster’s house. they decide to study hiim to see when would be
the best time to kill him. he comes out at 5 oclock and sits on
his deck to read the paper. for the next 5 days the pattern is
repeated.at exactly 5 everyday , he comes out to read the papar
on his deck. Sunday comes and the blonde assasins get ready to
make their move. 5 comes by, but the man does not appear. the
hours roll on, and finally one turns to the other and says, “I
hope nothing bad happened to him.”

Un tipo fue a la casa de su novia para conocer a sus suegros y pedir la mano de su hija en matrimonio.

El tipo lleg�, toc� a la puerta y lo atendi� el suegro.

“Buenas noches, yo soy el novio de su hija… y bueno… ven�a a hablar con usted porque deseo casarme con su hija y… este… usted sabe, necesito de su permiso.”

El suegro le respondi�: “Muy bien, pase adelante.” Se sentaron y el suegro le pregunt�: “Bueno, �Y con qu� tipo de base econ�mica piensa usted sustentar a la nueva familia?”

“Este… bueno, yo ya soy graduado como ingeniero pero no gano mucho. Sin embargo, como yo tengo conocimiento de que usted y su esposa trabajan y ganan buenos sueldos,… bueno… yo pensaba que de ah� podr�amos pagarnos el tel�fono, la luz, la comida, etc. Usted sabe �No?”

El suegro lo miro medio raro y le pregunto: “Y d�game �D�nde piensan vivir cuando se casen? Supongo que usted ya habr� alquilado un departamento o comprado una casa.”

El tipo contesto: “No exactamente… yo pensaba que bueno… los primeros a�os de matrimonio, su hija y yo podr�amos vivir aqu�, total esta casa es grande y adem�s yo con lo que gano no puedo comprar ahora un apartamento… y mucho menos una casa.”

El suegro lo mir� molesto y le pregunto: “D�game �Y usted tiene carro propio? Porque tener carro es muy importante.”

“No. Pero como usted tiene tres carros y solo usa dos… bueno… yo pensaba que podr�a usar uno de esos hasta que pueda comprarme uno propio.”

El suegro ya estaba a punto de explotar y m�s a medida que el tipo le segu�a contestando con la misma frescura. En esto entr� la suegra y el esposo dijo:

“Querida, menos mal que llegaste. Te presento al novio de nuestra hija: El se�or gallina.”

El tipo lo mir� desconcertado y exclam�:

“Un momento se�or. �C�mo es eso de El se�or gallina?”

“Bueno pendejo y �c�mo quieres que te llame? si hasta ahora lo �nico que vas a poner son los huevos!!!”