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EU Directive 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31st December 2001.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: “Euronating “.
Thank you for your attention
Two construction workers were working on the 30th floor.
Suddenly one of them had to piss. The other guy agreed to hold
on to him while the first guy leaned out a window. Just then the
dinnerbell sounded and the guy who was holding the other one
completely forgot about holding on and ran down to get his food.
On the 20th floor he was stopped by his boss, who asked if the
guy that he worked with was gay. “Why do you ask?” he said.
“Because a minute ago he came flying past my window with his
dick in his hand asking, ‘Where the fuck did that ASSHOLE go?'”
1. Constipated People Don’t Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink, Don’t Park – Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants It’s Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don’t Succeed … Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
13. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken .. Watch For Finger.
15. It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full-Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God … Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me – I’m Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong …
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.
[Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde
49. Don’t Be Sexist – Bitches Hate That
50. Heart Attacks … God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
51. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
53. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It … Wanted It … Had A Fit … Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you’re a feminist … Isn’t that precious.
64. I need someone really bad … Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.”Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”
Q. What do you call two Irish Queers?
A. Michael “Fits” Patrick and Patrick “Fits” Michael.
Un joven, al estar con su novia en un parque, dentro de un auto, le ruega, lloriquea y pide por lo que m�s quiera que se deje montar, pero la chica no accede. Finalmente el joven le dice: “�Anda mujer! �S�lo te voy a meter la mitad!” “Bueno, pero s�lo la mitad… No lo olvides.”
El joven se lanza sobre ella desesperado e introduce todo lo que tiene. La chica, al sentir la embestida, goza tremendamente y le dice a su novio: “�M�temela toda!
El novio, algo avergonzado, tratando de salvar su orgullo le dice:
“�No! Promesas son promesas.”
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that
stuff?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Why does a house burn down and furniture burn up?
Why do they call it a Hot water heater? If the waters already
hot, why heat it. It should be called a cold water heater right?
A young executive was working late, trying to impress his boss.
As he was leaving the office at 7 p.m., he found the CEO standing in front of the document shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary left hours ago. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive.
Excited with the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
As his paper disappeared inside the machine the relieved CEO says, “Now, I just need one copy.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
For Chocolate Lovers:
If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, “your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you
can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just
sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three
times!”
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!And the #1 reason why God created Eve…1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that!”
There’s a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ”Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!” Herman says, ”I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!”