Category: other

Why did god create Adam before he created eve? Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

“I’ll tell you,” he said, “I’ve learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease.” “Crueller than cancer?” his friend asked.”You bet,” the first codger replied, “It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one.”

Los reci�n casados llegan al hotel donde pasar�n su primera noche juntos, pero hay un peque�o problema: la novia est� en sus d�as. La mujer no se lo dice a su esposo porque de todos modos decide hacerlo.

Al otro d�a, cuando el novio se levanta y no encuentra a su compa�era en la cama, observa que la s�bana est� manchada con sangre.

“�La mat�!”, exclama el tipo.

Se levanta y ve que en el piso tambi�n hay huellas de sangre.

“�La arrastr�!”

Entra al cuarto de ba�o y se mira en el espejo.

“�Me la com�!”

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex.”What are you doing?” Johnny asks.”Uh, well, we’re dancing.” replies his mother.”What’s daddy doing?””He’s my partner, now run along.”A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend.”What are you doing?””Ummm, dancing.””What’s your boyfriend doing?””He’s my partner, now get out of here!”Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny’s relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat.”What are you doing?” Johnny once again asks.”Why I’m dancing.” said his grandfather.”Well, where is your partner?”His grandfather replied, “When you’ve danced as long as I have, you don’t need a partner.”

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is this guy blind or what?”

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” growls the sheriff.

“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment …”

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?

They dont like to look down on the unemployed.

The following procedure describes the proper execution of the activity known as Rodeo Sex:

First you undress your wife (or favorite female friend) and put her down on all fours.

You then also undress and mount up from behind.

Next, with your left hand, you hold on to her left boob.

Your right hand is held waiving in the air.

At this time you lean forward and whisper in her ear “you know, your sister likes to do it this way too..” then you hold on as long as you can.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will
be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as ‘Millennia Year Application
Software System’ (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We
will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an
opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking
aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This
restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked
into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose
buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of
MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, ‘I’m a little nervous, I never put
anything in MYASS before.’ I helped her through the first time and afterward she
admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to
doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial
installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.
In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with the business.

As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.
As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a
supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, ‘here, stick this in MYASS.’ It
will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond,
‘Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.’

One day Superman was flying though the air and was thinking, “Man I gotta get laid,” he said to himself. Just then he saw Wonderwoman laying nude on the beach. So he thought up a plan.

“I’ll fly down there, fuck her real fast, fly away, and she’ll never know what hit her,” So he flew down real fast, pumped a couple of times and flew off.

Then Wonderwoman sat up and said, “What in the hell was that.”

Then the invisible man sat up and said, “I don’t know but my ass sure hurts.”

Why do redneck farmers wear overalls with a button fly?

Because the livestock can hear a zipper a mile away.

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself”When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.”The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children.”The last guy replies. “I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!”