Category: other

�rase una vez en la selva, que los animales ten�an un serio problema de personalidad: ninguno de ellos sab�a quienes eran, a excepci�n de la jirafa que era sic�loga.

El primero en consultarla fue el pollito: “se�ora jirafa, tengo un gran problema: no s� quien soy”.

La jirafa le contesta: “mira, t� tienes plumas que son amarillas, haces p�o p�o: eres un pollito”.

“�Claro!, es cierto, �soy un pollito! Gracias”.

Se va el pollito y en el camino se encuentra con el le�n, que estaba muy triste.

“�Qu� le pasa se�or?”, le pregunta el pollito.

“Es que no s� qui�n soy”, responde el le�n.

“Ah, eso no es problema”, contesta el pollito, “usted tiene melena y ruge: usted es un le�n”.

“�S�, s�, soy un le�n! Muchas gracias”.

Un momento despu�s pasa un zorrillo, muy preocupado tambi�n. Por lo que el le�n le pregunta que era lo que le suced�a.

“Es que no s� qui�n soy”, le dice el zorrillo.

“Pero si es muy f�cil saberlo”, declara el le�n, “tienes pelo, el pelo es negro, tienes una raya en el medio y hueles a diablos: �eres un co�o!”

Did you ever see an asshole wrapped in plastic?
Just look at your driver’s license!

Entra un tipo muy bragado a una cantina, se acerca a la barra y le dice al cantinero:

“Escuche bien lo que le voy a decir: s�rvame siete copas de tequila, ni una m�s, porque tengo un grave defecto: cuando tomo m�s de siete copas empiezo a repartir las nalgas”.

El cantinero, al escuchar eso, piensa que se va a divertir a lo grande.

Despu�s de una hora, el individuo se termina la s�ptima copa, y el cantinero le insiste: “t�mese la otra, yo la invito”.

El fulano se niega una y otra vez argumentando su defecto. Pero ante tanta insistencia, acepta la copa y, en cuanto se la toma, le empieza a cambiar el rostro y al momento, saca una enorme pistola, apuntando a todos los que estaban en la cantina ordenando:

“T� le das las nalgas a �l, t� a este otro…”

In my life, when I read comics, I thought the “zzzz” in those little balloons indicated someone was sleeping! Boy, did I miss the boat, and it took me all these years to figure it out! All that wasted time!

With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the light bulb by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen the light. Now,I finally know what all those “sleeping” people in those comics had on their minds!

If you want to see what I’m babbling about, start up Microsoft Word, type in “zzzz” (without the quotes, of course) and hit the spell check. Now you too can be enlightened!

REMEMBER it has to be 4 letters of z. Try using the thesaurus too..

Llega un hombre a un hotel de la ciudad y alquila una habitaci�n, al llegar a la misma lo �nico que hay para matar el aburrimiento es una Biblia, al abrirla le cambia la expresi�n del rostro y decide llamar a la telefonista del hotel y la que empieza a enamorar hasta que la muchacha sube a su habitaci�n y se acuesta con el hombre.

Despu�s que terminan le dice la telefonista.:

“�Qui�n lo iba a decir, yo acost�ndome con un hu�sped?”

El hombre le responde:

“La Biblia lo dice.”

“�S�? �en qu� vers�culo lo dice?”

El le responde:

“En la contraportada. Dice clarito: ‘La telefonista es una puta�”

Here are some real signs found across America.

At a Florida maternity ward:
No Children Allowed

At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

At a radiator-repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.

At a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
and workmanship.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their
own graves.

At many military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

At a long-established New Mexico dry cleaner:
38 years on the same spot.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.

In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual
light is extinguished.

At a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery tournament—ears peirced.

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

On a roller-coaster:
Watch your head.

On a Tennesee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassible.

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can’t control his amazement and says to the blind man, “Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!”The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,”To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.”

Their were two muffins in an oven.One muffin says, Boy its getting hot in here. The other muffin says AAAAAAGH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!

“Doctor, doctor, que tengo un problema, no se si soy homosexual, y quer�a saber si me puede hacer usted un test.”

“Bueno, vamos a ver…”

El m�dico le agarra un test�culo y le dice:

“Diga noventa y nueve.”

“Noventa y nueve.”

El medico le agarra el pene.

“Diga noventa y nueve.”

“Noventa y nueve.”

El m�dico le mete el dedo por atr�s.

“Diga noventa y nueve.”

“Uno… dos… tres…”

whats holy and sweaty? a fat vicar’s socks

Why did god create Adam before he created eve? Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

“I’ll tell you,” he said, “I’ve learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease.” “Crueller than cancer?” his friend asked.”You bet,” the first codger replied, “It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one.”