Yours Fun Portal !
Va una familia de Tontilandeses en su autom�vil, y la madre va ense�ando a manejar a su hija menor de edad. De pronto, un polic�a lo nota y se le acerca a la joven diciendo:
“�D�me ahora mismo su permiso para conducir!”
Mientras la chica se le queda mirando como tonta, la madre dice:
“Hija, hazte a un lado porque el se�or quiere manejar”
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet!
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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap!
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Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 a.m.?!”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”
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A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
” Honey, “the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”
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Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
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“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible! “the roommate answered.” He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
” Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: “Returned un-opened.”
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A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”.
“My father grows beans,” said one student.
“My father cooks beans,” said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
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Teacher : Let’s take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens ?
Little Johnny : ” He gets stepped on. “
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Interviewer to Millionaire: “To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire!”
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can’t they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
“Ni�os, �hicieron la tarea sobre las posibles causas de divorcio”, pregunta la maestra en clase.
“S� maestra”, responden los ni�os.
“Pedrito, dime un motivo de divorcio”.
“La incompatibilidad de caracteres, profesora”.
“Muy bien Pedrito. Susanita, otra raz�n”.
“La infidelidad”.
“Bien Susanita”.
Le toca el turno a Pepito y �ste responde:
“La diarrea”.
“��Qu�?! �Qu� tonter�as dices! �De d�nde sacas eso, eh?
“Es que ayer en la noche escuch� que mi mam� le dec�a a mi pap�: �Oye, o se te para esa mierda o nos divorciamos!”
Employee: Boss can I have the day off tommorow?
Boss: So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are
asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off
per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend
16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days,
leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on
coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68
days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up
another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You
normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you
only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays
per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We
generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1
day available for work and I’ll be damned if you are going to
take that day off!
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as ‘Millennia Year Application Software System’ (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, ‘I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.’ I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, ‘here, stick this in MYASS.’ It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, ‘Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.’
Entra un se�or corriendo a una farmacia y pide:
“�R�pido, deme algo para la diarrea, pero ya!”
El encargado de la farmacia, que era nuevo en el negocio, se pone un tanto nervioso y le da sin fijarse unas pastillas. El tipo, con la urgencia, se las toma y se va. Momentos despu�s, el encargado de la farmacia se da cuenta de que por error e inexperiencia le dio al hombre unas pastillas para los nervios. Horas despu�s regresa nuevamente el diarreico y el farmac�utico le dice:
“�Mil disculpas, se�or, f�jese que por error le di un medicamento para los nervios en lugar de alg�n antidiarr�ico! Pero d�game, �c�mo se siente usted?”
“Cagao, pero tranquilo”.
once, these two thefts went to heaven. when they reached the golden gates of heaven they met saint peter. “NAMES PLEASE!” saint peter exclaimed since he saw the two guys were black. he got there names but didnt see their names in the book so he went to god and ask “God there are these two coloured guys at the gates should we let them in?” “of course st peter there is no racisum in heaven,” God replied. so peter went and returned huffing and puffing”God GGGod there gone” “who the coloured people” “NO, the golden gates”
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, “Hey! Come on in! The water’s fine!”
One banana turns to the other banana and says, “Do you believe that shit?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A vampire bat comes flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parks himself on the ceiling of the cave.
Pretty soon all the other bats smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he got it.
He tells them to leave him alone, but they persist until he finally gives in.
“OK, OK. See that tree out there?” he asks, pointing through the mouth of the cave.
“Yes, yes, yes!”, the bats all scream in a frenzy.
“Good”‘ says the first bat. “Because I didn’t!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Un Lorito que se llamaba Mat�as viv�a en una granja junto con su due�o Pedro.
Mat�as sol�a pegarle a todas las gallinas y pollitos de la granja porque dec�a que �l era superior, as� que Pedro ya cansado de todo eso decidi� ponerle un Ggllo de pelea en el lugar donde estaban las gallinas cuando Mat�as no estuviera viendo.
Al d�a siguiente, el Mat�as se sale de la casa y se dirige al gallinero a hacer su ronda diaria. Pedro lo ve salir y sube a su cuarto porque desde all� se oye mejor, y de repente se escucha un alboroto en el gallinero, cosas quebr�ndose, vidrios y de pronto empieza a gritar Mat�as:
“�Peeeedro, Peeeedro!” y se dice Pedro a s� mismo: “All� es donde lo quer�a. Tremenda paliza que le est� pegando el Gallo.”
Y vuelve Mat�as a gritar: “�Peeeedro, Peeeedro! Ven Peeeedro. �Ven!”
Y dice Pedro:
“Ah� lo voy dejar un rato para que sufra.”
Y sigue gritando Mat�as:
“�Pedro, Peeeedro. Ven Pedro. Ven a ver como tengo a tu gallo!”