Un tipo viv�a obsesionado con

Un tipo viv�a obsesionado con su plantaci�n de naranjos y todos los d�as inventariaba �rbol por �rbol. Un d�a, en su inventario diario, le hizo falta una naranja, as� que el hombre fue a revisar todos los libros de inventario y confirm� que efectivamente le hac�a falta una naranja. No le dio m�s importancia pero al otro d�a le hizo falta otra naranja y as� durante toda la semana. Al final de semana el hombre estaba muy molesto y se dijo:

“Aqu� alguien me est� robando”.

Esa misma noche sac� su escopeta y esper� al ladr�n subido en uno de los �rboles. En la madrugada ve una sombra que se escabulle por entre los �rboles y se dice:

“Aqu� est� ese maldito, le lleg� su hora”.

En eso, el ladr�n subi� en el mismo �rbol en el que estaba el due�o de las naranjas. Entonces, cuando pas� cerca de �l le agarr� los test�culos y se los apret� lo m�s duro que pudo preguntando:

“�Qui�n eres?”

Y el ratero, paralizado del dolors�lo atinaba a decir:

“Mmhhhhhmmh”.

El propietario volvi� a preguntar al tiempo que apretaba m�s fuerte:

“�Qui�n eres?”

Y ladr�n s�lo dec�a:

“Mmmhhhhmmmm…”

El due�o, enfurecido, apret� con mucho m�s fuerza, jal�ndolos hacia la derecha, la izquierda, para arriba, para abajo, y pregunt� otra vez:

“�Qui�n eres?”

Entonces, el ladr�n, sacando fuerza de donde pudo, exclam�:

“��Mmmiguel eell mmmudo!!”

Policeman

What to not say to the nice policeman.

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must’ve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.

Bad cop! No doughnut!

You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
McDonald’s?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take or what?

Gee, Officer! That’s terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car
around–that’s how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap
and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed
out of control.

Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

Nude beach

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina.

The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.

He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn’t rise to the occasion. “if neither of you objects,” the doctor said, “I could give it a try.”

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman.

The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor’s thrust continued for several long minutes. “Hey, What the hell is happening?”

“Change of plans,” The physician panted. ” I’m going to drown the little bastard!.”

10 cr@ppy Insults

These are Insult that people have told me and i think a crappy
insult can easliey be changed by the oppisite.(People actualy
tried to offend me by these)

1.At least I had foot loops for breakfast
(At least I had honeycomb’s for breakfast)-I was the laughing
stock of the town
when I tried this

2.Up yours!(I’m givin’ you 10 seconds to get that out of my butt)
People kept stareing at me for about one hour!!!

3.Bite Me!(Gimme $5 bucks and I’ll lick you)-Hate being called a
prostatute! Do Not
try this then!!!!!

4.I’m rubber Your glue what ever comes to bounces to you!
(I’m a peddle push me)-prostatute agian!

5.your mom!(don’t you love it when your Nan made those cookies
that had that filling in the middle and we’d spend hours trying
to figure
out what was holding it up)-what was holding it up?

6.You had sexual inercourses with a giant amadillo
(You hated an alligator)-That was so stupid i had to laugh!!!!

7.Will one day I read a bungee jumping book(With this you just
say it ,they’ll crack up ,then you kick em’ in the head then run
away)
-N/A

8.They plug there ears and they go, La la la la (Plug your ears
and sing a song if your male a way to get em’ away is to sing
Man I feel like a woman. or It’s rainin’ men !!!)-People thought
i was gay

9.Can you smell what the rock is cookin'(Can you smell my
fart)or(supdoc!)-That was a good fart though!

10.Just bring it!(Please don’t tear off my clothes)N/a

Estaba un se�or sentado en

Estaba un se�or sentado en la barra del bar y le grita al cantinero:

“Cantinero, deme una copa m�s”.

Y antes de tomarse la copa escupe al piso y diciendo:

“Puffffs, Puffffs, Puffffs, qu� bueno para manejar ese cabr�n.”

Y le pide otra copa al cantinero y antes de tomar la copa hace lo mismo de agarrarle una escupidera.

“Puffffs, Puffffs, Puffffs, qu� bueno para manejar ese cabr�n.”

Y el cantinero extra�ado le pregunta:

“D�game �qu� le pasa a usted que escupe cada rato y dice esa frase?”

“Mire… Cuando venia para ac�, me tra�a un colega en su aut�movil, pero cuando �bamos a dar una vuelta peligrosa en la monta�a nos encontramos a dos trailers juntos, uno por cada carril, s�lo quedaba un espacio en medio de los dos como para pasar en dos llantas y yo aterrorizado le grito a mi colega �SI ME SALVAS DE ESTA TE LA MAMO!”

Y terminando de decir eso dice el se�or:

“Puffffs, Puffffs, Puffffs, qu� bueno para manejar ese cabr�n.”

Jesus Is Watching

One night a man broke into a house and was in the middle of stealing the home entertainment center, when out of nowhere he hears, ” Jesus is watching.” Well, this totally spooked him , so he began looking around with his flashlight. Up in the corner he found a birdcage with a parrot inside. relieved, he says “pretty bird,” to which the parrot replied,” Jesus is watching.” The thief asked the bird what his name is and the bird said “Moses.” The thief said, “What a silly name for a bird.” The bird replied, “You think thats funny, the rottweiller’s name is Jesus.”

A Meal To Die For

There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman. They all worked on the top
of a cliff and the Englishman said, �If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow
I’ll jump off this cliff!�

The Irishman said, �If I have ham tomorrow, I’ll jump off the cliff!�

The Scotsman said, �If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I’ll jump off the
cliff!
It was the next day, and they all had to jump off as the Englishman had cheese
the Irishman had ham and the Scotsman had jam!”
A week later, it was the funeral and the Scottish lady and the English lady
said, “Why didn’t they just tell us they didn’t like what we put in their
sandwiches?”

And the Irish lady said, �I don�t know why my husband jumped off
the cliff he made his own sandwiches!�

DADDY DADDY!

An eight year old boy comes home from school and says “Daddy! Daddy! What is the difference between a pussy and a cunt?” The dad says, “No, I cant tell you that! You’re too young!” The son goes, “NO I’m not daddy! Please tell me.” So the father says alright and takes the boy into the bedroom. When they walk into the room, the boys mother is fast asleep. So the dad pulls back the covers, and like always, the mother is lying there without any panties on. The father points in between her legs and says, “You see that? That’s a pussy!” The son asks, “Oooo! Can I pat it?” The father reply’s, “NO! You’ll wake up the cunt!”