Category: other

1. Whine

2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no.
Then get mad when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,
start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Whine.

6. If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your
almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to
sleep, it’s because he is lazy.

7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying
for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required
gifts proving his love.

10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle,
tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress of your life.

11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend
must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed
immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about
doing anything other than catering to your needs.

Take the following test to see how qualified you are to be a
professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Open the door put the giraffe in and close the door. This tests
whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Open the door take the giraffe out and put the elephant in then
close the door. This tests your memory.

3. The lion king is holding an animal conference. All the
animals attend except one, which one?

The elephant, he is in the refrigerator! This tests your
thinking ability.

4. There is a river known for its man-eating crocodiles. How do
you cross it?

You swim, all the animals are at the conference. This tests all
three.

If you answered all four correctly you would be perfect for a
profession. If you answered one correctly you should go into
marketing. If you answered none correctly you should play for
Man United.

There is a one story house, the cieling is green, the funiture is red, the carpet is purple, the fridge is black, the sink is orange , and the counter is yellow. What is the color of the stairs?

answer: there is no stairs its a one story house remember.

Dos tontilandeses van a robar a la casa de un ricach�n. Al llegar, ven un cartel de ‘Cuidado con el perro’.

“V�monos, que aqu� hay perro”.

“Pero si eso lo ponen todos para asustar a los ladrones”.

Manolo, asustado, se va por los alrededores de la casa y ve una parab�lica. Regresa, a�n m�s asustado, con Venancio:

“�V�monos, v�monos!”

“�Has visto al perro?”

“No, pero s� el plato en el que come”.

    Curators at India’s Baroda Museum reportedirreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaningperson who apparently opened the mummy’s case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removedancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages.

Dos amigos estaban escalando una monta�a cuando de repente uno de ellos dio un paso en falso y cay� de la cima, desapareciendo de la vista del otro.

Como ven�an equipados con equipos de radio, el otro trat� de contactarlo de inmediato con el suyo:

“�Bueno, bueno…! �est�s bien?”

“�S�, estoy bien!”

El amigo suspir� aliviado, y sigui� preguntando:

“�Tienes alguna fractura?”

“No, ninguna.”

“Entonces vuelve a subir y aqu� te espero.”

“�No puedo, todav�a estoy cayendoooooooo!”

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn’t behave.

6. If the shoe fits…it’s expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent…sometimes.

Varias amigas estaban de vacaciones cuando vieron, en un hotel de 5 pisos, un cartel que dec�a:

“PROST�BULO PARA MUJERES”.

Las chicas se emocionaron y, como no estaban con sus novios ni con sus padres, decidieron entrar. El portero, un trolo divino, les explic� el funcionamiento:

“Mariposas, tenemos 5 pisos. Vayan subiendo piso por piso hasta donde encuentren lo que buscan y ah� se quedan. Es muy f�cil, hay carteles por todos lados

Las mujeres subieron al primer piso y delante de la puerta se encontraron con un aviso que dec�a:

“Aqu� todos los hombres la tenemos cortita y finita”.

Las chicas se rieron y sin dedicarle ni un solo pensamiento a los infelices del primero, subieron al segundo piso. Delante de la puerta hab�a un cartel que avisaba:

“Aqu� todos los hombres la tenemos larga y finita”.

Todav�a no parec�a demasiado bueno, as� que se dirigieron al tercer piso a ver si daban con los modelos perfectos. Al llegar leyeron un letrero:

“Aqu� todos los hombres la tenemos cortita y gruesa”.

Esa era otra decepci�n, pero a�n quedaban dos pisos por explorar, as� que no se detuvieron y ascendieron al cuarto. All� las aguardaba el cartel perfecto:

“Aqu� todos los hombres la tenemos larga y gruesa”.

Todas las mujeres gritaron excitadas y estaban a punto de entrar, cuando se dieron cuenta de que se iban a perder el quinto piso. Subieron velozmente esperando el para�so y se encontraron con un aviso que dec�a:

“Aqu� no hay hombres. Este piso fue construido solamente para demostrar que a las mujeres nada las complace”.

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I”ll give you a hundred dollars.”The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred?” The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But it’s actually my mother-in-law.”The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?

There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The president realizes it’s time to promote one of them, but they’re all so competent he’s not sure which to choose.

So he devises a little test. One day while they’re all at lunch, he places �800 on each of their desks.

The first one returns it to him immediately.

The second one invests in the market and returns �1500 to him the next morning.

The third one pockets the money.

Who got the promotion?

The one with the big boobs!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing
to have a special ‘No Excuse Sunday.’
1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, “Sunday is my only day
to sleep in.”
2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, “The roof will cave in if I
ever came to church.”
3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for
those who say it is too hot.
4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, “The pastor speaks too
softly,” and cotton for those who say, “He preaches too loudly.”
5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites
present.
6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go
visiting on Sunday.
7. There will be TV dinners for those who can’t go to church and cook dinner
too.
8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to
golf on Sunday.

There were three men who worked in this resteraunt. One man was a singer who can only say “MI MI MI”. The second man can only say “GOODI GOOODI GOODI GOODI GOODI.” The third man was a French chef and the only words he can say in English are “CUT AND CHOP CUT AND CHOP”.

One day, a police offcer comes into the restaurant and tells the three men that there has been a murder in this town and asked if any of them committed the murder.

The singer says “MI MI MI”, then the police officer asked how he did it, to which the second man replied, “CUT AND CHOP CUT AND CHOP”

Then the shocked officer said “You know your going to jail for this, and the other man said “GOODI GOODI GOODI GOODI GOODI!”