Yours Fun Portal !
Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.
Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second or third nail.
“What’s wrong with the nails?” he asked.
“The heads are at the wrong end.”
“You are stupid you idiot, can’t you see they are for the other side of the house!”
Contest: Beer vs. Pussy
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you married.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy – you’re dead.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
Too much beer and you get fat.
Toom much pussy and it makes you poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five!
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It’s a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night. So they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11.Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”So they created a QC position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”So they created the following two positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11.Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.”So they laid off the night watchman!
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words ‘open me first,’ and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying:’ These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.’
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. Shoe opens the first one and it says: ‘Blame me, your predecessor for everything’.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody’s happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, ‘Blame the government for everything’.
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, ‘Prepare 4 new envelopes’
El primer d�a, el nuevo gerente de una empresa transnacional llama al comedor y ordena de mal modo:
“�Quiero inmediatamente un caf� americano, en taza, sin az�car y dos rebanadas de pan tostado con mantequilla, pero ya!”
Del otro lado se escucha:
“Est�pido, se equivoc� de extensi�n. �Sabe acaso ad�nde llam�, pendejo?”
El gerente titubeando responde:
“N-no…”
“�Al presidente de la empresa, idiota!”
Aturdido, el gerente piensa unos segundos y contesta:
“�Y t� sabes qui�n te est� hablando pedazo de idiota?”
“�No!”
“Menos mal, �imb�cil!”
Y cuelga inmediatamente.
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asketh the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Take the following test to see how qualified you are to be a
professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Open the door put the giraffe in and close the door. This tests
whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the door take the giraffe out and put the elephant in then
close the door. This tests your memory.
3. The lion king is holding an animal conference. All the
animals attend except one, which one?
The elephant, he is in the refrigerator! This tests your
thinking ability.
4. There is a river known for its man-eating crocodiles. How do
you cross it?
You swim, all the animals are at the conference. This tests all
three.
If you answered all four correctly you would be perfect for a
profession. If you answered one correctly you should go into
marketing. If you answered none correctly you should play for
Man United.
1. Whine
2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no.
Then get mad when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,
start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Whine.
6. If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your
almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to
sleep, it’s because he is lazy.
7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying
for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required
gifts proving his love.
10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle,
tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend
must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed
immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about
doing anything other than catering to your needs.
There is a one story house, the cieling is green, the funiture is red, the carpet is purple, the fridge is black, the sink is orange , and the counter is yellow. What is the color of the stairs?
answer: there is no stairs its a one story house remember.
Dos tontilandeses van a robar a la casa de un ricach�n. Al llegar, ven un cartel de ‘Cuidado con el perro’.
“V�monos, que aqu� hay perro”.
“Pero si eso lo ponen todos para asustar a los ladrones”.
Manolo, asustado, se va por los alrededores de la casa y ve una parab�lica. Regresa, a�n m�s asustado, con Venancio:
“�V�monos, v�monos!”
“�Has visto al perro?”
“No, pero s� el plato en el que come”.
Curators at India’s Baroda Museum reportedirreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaningperson who apparently opened the mummy’s case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removedancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages.
Dick and Sally had been married for 40 years, and Sally was getting frustrated because Dick was not interested in sex much anymore.Sally’s neighbour suggested to Sally that she “spice” up her sex life by using new methods to turn on her husband. The neighbour suggested that Sally go out and buy a pair of crotchless panties, and wear them about the house as she was doing housework, and they would help her feel sexy.The neighbour told Sally that all she would have to do was flash Dick with her new panties while they were watching TV later that night, and he would be on her like a flash.After a few hours of wearing these new crotchless panties, Sally was feeling quite frisky and ready for some action. As they were watching the late night news, Sally winked at Dick, and flashed him a view of her new panties, and said “Honey, would you like some of this?”He takes one look, and says “Hell no….I ain’t touching that with a ten foot pole….LOOK WHAT IT DID TO YOUR UNDERWEAR !!”