Category: other

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,”Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you prove it.”He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.” He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can you tell?”

El siguiente correo electr�nico lleg� a mi correo interno en la empresa donde trabajo, proveniente de una afiliada en Estados Unidos:

MESSAGE FROM CORPORATE (Any Corporate)
TO: ALL MEXICAN STAFF
FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES
RE: IMPROPER LANGUAGE USAGE
DATE: NOVEMBER 05, 2001

Several corporate officers have brought to our attention that Mexican staff commonly uses inappropriate language. Such behavior, in addition to violating Company Policy # 23.2, is regarded as highly unprofessional and offensive. Therefore, from this date forward, everyone concerned should immediately adhere to the following rules:

1. Words like ‘carajo’, ‘chingada’ and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion might be.

2. You will not say ‘pendejo’ or ‘la cagas’, when somebody is being reprimanded, or ‘que pendejada’ or ‘que mamadas son estas’ when a major mistake or conflict has risen. All forms derived of the verbs, ‘pendejear’, ‘mamar’ or ‘cagar’ are unsuitable in our environment, for they lead to further confusion and potential disagreement.

3. No Manager, Director, or least Vice-President under any circumstances will be referred to as ‘hijo de su chingada madre’, ‘hijo de puta’, ‘cabr�n’ or ‘ojete’.

4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as ‘falta de huevos’, ‘pinche puto’ or ‘maric�n’, nor will persons with lack of initiative be referred as ‘culero’ or ‘pendejo’.

5. Unusual creative or original ideas should not be referred to as ‘pinches jaladas’.

6. Do not say ‘como chinga’ or ‘jode’ if a person is persistent, or ‘est� jodido’ if a colleague is going through a difficult situation, or his or her department’s position is untenable or ill-conceived. Furthermore, you must not say ‘que chinga’ when matters turn complicated.

7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say ‘vete a la chingada’ or ‘vete al carajo’, do not ever substitute ‘May I help you’ with ‘�qu� chingados quieres?’. When things get-tough and unacceptable, and statement such as ‘We are going through a difficult time’ should be used rather than: ‘esto est� de la chingada’.

8.Performance Management sessions with staff should never be referred to as ‘esto ya mam�’.

9.If you make a mistake just say so, and not say ‘ya la cagu�’ or ‘ya me llev� la chingada’ when your Direct Reports get to know about your mistakes.

10.Under no circumstance should you call our staff members who are approaching retirement as ‘rucos ojetes’.

11.When in a hurry never use expressions such as ‘�ndale, cabr�n’ or ‘orale, pinches putos’.

12. The statement ‘te la pelas’ should not be used to discourage someone.

13. ‘Nos la pelaron los pinches gringos’ should not be used to convey the idea of victory in a negotiation.

14. Body language like the one used by Mexican Senator Roque Villanueva is prohibited.

15. When a problem is not your responsibility, you must not say ‘no es mi pedo’, for there is not an accurate translation of the statement in our language

Thanks and have a nice day.

What happened to the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart.

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named “Mighty Storm”? “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Why is my sister named “Cornflower”? “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.” “And why is my other sister called “Moonchild”? “We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.” “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

Despite protests, boycotts and whatnot, “gay friendly” Disney chairman Michael “I’m Not Gay But I Love That Way” Eisner announced that the entertainment goliath would proceed with it’s complete overhaul of all Disney products, especially it’s film division, in it’s plans to “completely fagify” before the year 2000.

Undeterred by his $90 million dollar palimony settlement with power player Michael Ovitz from whom he recently separated, Eisner wants to keep momentum of the homosexualization of Disney at full throttle. Here are a few of their upcoming projects:

The long-awaited re-release of PINNOCHIO.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, with new voices provided by Rob Jackson-Parish (as Beauty), Harvey Fierstein (as the Beast), and Sir Ian McKellan (as Mr. Tea Room).

THE LITTLE SPERM-AID (for male audiences), starring Greg Louganis.

THE LITTLE HER-MAID (for lesbian audiences into cute little french uniforms), starring the voice of Jody Foster.

A-LAD-IN, with lead voice by Chad Allen (of Dr. Quinn fame) and Harvey Fierstein (as the Genie) (featuring the song “A Whole New Girl” by RuPaul).

THE LYIN’ KING — with a new story focusing on Himba, a cute little tyke who calls himself Same Gender Loving but sleeps around with the rest of the lions for nothing more than sex. Featuring the songs “Jerk Circle of Life” and “Hakuna, No Caca, I Ain’t Into That Shit”.

THE CURVED-BACK OF WHATTA DAME — Cruella de Ville and Jessica Rabbitt set their eyes on the bodacious curvavious Esmerelda.

THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG-BANG — starring Kevin Spacey, James Black, Tyson Beckford and DB Woodside

SNOW QUEEN AND THE SEVEN EUROPEAN DWARFS — featuring the song “Colors in the End” by Jay Davidson.

And, of course:

101 DENTAL DAM-NATIONS

AROUND THE BATHOUSE IN 80 MINUTES

BEDPOSTS AND BIG STICKS

DOOFY DOES DALLAS

DOWN AND OUT IN BEVERLY SILLS

DOWN AND OUT IN CLINTON HILL

DOWN AND OUT ON BALDWIN HILLS

ESCAPE TO CLIT MOUTNAIN

FAGTASIA

HERBIE RIDES AGAIN… AND AGAIN… AND AGAIN

HIMBERELLA

HUNG OF THE SOUTH

LOOK WHO’S WALKING FUNNY

MARY POPS IN, starring Queen Latifah and Kathy Najimy

NAMBY

PETE’S VERY LONG DRAGON

POKE-A-HUNTER

SLEEPING BOOTY

SMELLIN’

SMIRKULES, about a bunch of catty cats

SWEET DICK WILLIE

SWISS ROD IN SOME FAMILY

THE ADVENTURES OF UNCLE TOM SAWYER AND FUCKLEBERRY FINN

THE JUNGLE FEVER BOOK

WHO TURNED OUT ROGER’S RABBIT?

There’s a carrot, a tomato, and a penis. The carrot said “I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake, and eaten.”The tomato says “No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad, and eaten”.Then the penis said, “I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head, and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!”.

What do you call a bunch of Mexicans holding hands?

A spicket fence!

Submitted by Curtis
EDited by calamjo

20> Failure is not an option. For you, it’s inevitable.

19> Seek and you shall find. Find and it’s your problem, so better think twice about that seeking stuff.

18> Your most inspired work will never be as frequently seen as a fake nude of Britney.

17> Just say “can’t.”

16> Plagiarism: Anyone can be daring and original, but it requires big brass balls to take credit without expending any effort. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU “WACKY” RADIO MORNING SHOW LOSERS?!?

15> There isn’t that much difference between a “winner” and a “whiner.” Or a “wiener,” too, for that matter.

14> Don’t forget: It’s never too late to run away screaming.

13> Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes. But hey, snickering at the lead dogs as they walk into all the cobwebs and step in all the poop ain’t such a bad life.

12> Death: Remember, its cold, bony hand can be a comfort.

11> Determination: Keep your eyes on the prize or you may end up spending 20 years designing motivational posters. Please, somebody shoot me!

10> When the load gets tough, the tough get loaded.

9> There’s no “I” in “TEAM.” And while you were busy spell-checking, your co-worker took all the credit for that project you were working on.

8> Life is a marathon, not a sprint. So think twice before super-sizing that next order of fries, tubby.

7> Just shut up and drink the Kool-Aid.

6> Marketing: “Efforting to shift the organizational paradigm through dynamic manipulation of throughput structures” will get you promoted, but “wanking in the executive washroom” will get you fired.

5> Be honest with your neighbors. It’s not just a good idea, it’s Megan’s law.

4> Integrity: That and a buck will buy you some coffee while everyone else is sleeping their way toward raises and bigger offices.

3> Anything in the world worth doing is– HEY! FREE BAGELS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM!

2> A morning without smiles is like a workday.

1> Moving ahead of your co-workers can be easy, provided you’re willing to risk several consecutive life sentences.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

1. Put miniature marshmallows in your ears, hum off-key loudly

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.

4. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

5. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

6. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

7. Leaf through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives.

8. Stick a post-it that says, “Out to Lunch” on your forehead.

9. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day

10. Buy a subscription to “Sleazoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’s wife.

11. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

12. Drive to work in reverse.

13. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

14. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

15. Braid the hairs in each nostril.

16. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

17. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.

18. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

19. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.

20. Call up everyone in your rolodex; when they answer, say, “I must have the wrong number!”

You such a reject that when you go to the ocean the Titanic came up and said GET AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what do you call a safe paki?

Asif

Jack and George were lunching at a local restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.”I like butter on my bread,” he said.”But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call my wife Mary and ask her what to do.””Jack,” George said, “don’t be ridiculous. You’re a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife’s help, whether or not to butter your own bread.””You’re right,” Benny said.”I’ll just have the butter, that’s all.”When the waiter arrived with the check, George pointed to Benny and said, “He’s paying.””What?” Benny said.”Why should I have to pay the whole bill?””Because if you don’t,” George said, “I’ll tell Mary about the butter.”