Category: other

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.The old man said, “Ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a “post turtle” was.He said, “Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That’s a post turtle.”

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss excuses him.

The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. “I’m sick.” Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man in to talk on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. “What gives?” asks the boss. “I can see you’re a hard worker, but you’ve only been here three weeks and you’ve called in sick every Monday.”

The man says, “Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another, and we end up having sex all day long.”

“Your sister!” says the boss. “That’s disgusting.”

The man says, “I told you I was sick.”

Tres personas ingresan a un cabaret con el prop�sito de festejarle la despedida de soltero a uno de ellos, que es jud�o.

Los tres se sientan, piden algo para tomar, mientras miran detenidamente c�mo una de las bailarinas baila especialmente para ellos.

De repente la bailarina se detiene, y le coloca el culo enfrente de la cara a uno de ellos, entonces �ste mete la mano en el bolsillo, saca un billete de $100 y se lo calza en la bombacha.

La bailarina sigue mostr�ndose y de repente le pone el culo enfrente de la cara de otro, �ste saca un billete de $100 de su bolsillo, lo dobla y se lo calza del otro lado de la bombacha.

La mujer, contenta, sigue bailando hasta que hace lo mismo con el jud�o, �ste le observa el culo detenidamente sin hacer un s�lo gesto. Sus amigos le explican que le tiene que poner plata, entonces el jud�o mete su mano en el bolsillo, saca su billetera, desenfunda la tarjeta de cr�dito, la pasa entre las nalgas de la chica y dice:

“Retiro $200.”

MADE FOR TVGuns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

The boy who liked Jell-O

There once was a boy named Joe who loved to eat green Jell-O. On his 18th birthday his cake was made totally out of green Jell-O. His friend Billy Bob told Joe that if he ate the whole cake he would become a super-hero. Joe did this in hopes he could be like the power-puff-girls. When the cake was all gone Joe didn�t feel to good. Billy Bob told him if he jumped off a cliff his stomach wouldn�t hurt and since he was now a super-hero he could just fly around for a while. Joe thought this was really a sensible idea and wondered why he hadn�t thought of it himself.
Joe found a cliff and jumped off. To his surprise he couldn�t fly, he flapped his arms and everything else he�d seen birds do, but nothing seemed to work. Now he was terrified and he put his hands into prayer position and began to pray, �Our father who does art in heaven, Howard be your name�.� And on it went like that until he came to a thump.
He had landed in a lake, and in the lake where flying fish. Now Joe had a great idea, he would put a flying fish in each hand and have them fly him to the top of the cliff. He grabbed two fish and yelled, �Up, up, and away.� The fish wouldn�t fly, puzzled why the fish were lying there, gasping for air; he put the fish back in the water. Now he had to find a new way to the top.
When he had walked for about an hour he met a man selling donkeys. �Donkeys for only 1699.00 pesos!� Yelled the man. Joe was depressed they were so much, but he needed to get to the top of the cliff. �I only have $4000.00 in American money is that enough?� asked Joe. The man leaped for joy, handed Joe the donkey and ran away singing.
Now Joe had a donkey he jumped on it and kicked it�s sides. The donkey jumped and started running up the cliff. Now Joe had made another mistake and jumped on the donkey backwards and couldn�t see a tree branch sticking out of the side of the cliff. He was hit by the branch and fell to the ground unconscious.
When he awoke he heard his name being screamed. He stood up and yelled back, �I�m alright!� A man came running towards him, it was Billy Bob. �Joe, Joe are you O.K? Why didn�t you come back up to your party?� asked Billy Bob. �Well,� answered Joe, �I was stuck down here and couldn�t get back up.� At this point Billy Bob was rolling on the ground, laughing so hard. �You only fell 5feet! You also got caught on a branch and we heard you praying! It�s a good thing you went to a catholic school for 13 years!� Billy Bob laughed.

Estaba Don Zabaletta en su estancia de Tucum�n, y llama a su empleado:

“Rosindo, and� comprame cigarrillos al pueblo…”

“Pero Rosindo le responde: “no jefe, ah� aparece el diablo… cuando esta por cruzar el puente aparece el diablo, as� que yo no voy…”

Y don zabaleta le dijo: “bueno, prep�rame la montura, y me voy yo a comprar los cigarrillos…”

Y asi fue. Llegando al famoso puente, del otro lado aparece �EL DIABLO! “�Buuuu, soy el diablo! �ahhhhh… buuuuu!”.

Pero don zabaleta ni se mov�a, no ten�a nada de miedo… El diablo seguia “�buuuuuuuuuuu, vas a morir!” Zabaleta estaba quieto…

EL diablo entonces dice “por ser el primero en no asustarse, �te concedo tres deseos!”

Y don zabaleta le dice: “bueno, el primero es 100000 d�lares, el segundo es que cuando llegue a la estancia est� Claudia Schiffer desnuda en mi cama… y el tercero, es tener el aparato sexual de este animal.”

El diablo le concede todo eso… Don zabaleta vuelve corriendo a su estancia. 100000 d�lares en la puerta, Claudia Schiffer desnuda en su cama… y cuando entra al ba�o y se baja los pantalones para ver su nuevo aparato sexual, grita: “���ROSINDO, DESGRACIADO, ME DISTE LA YEGUA!!!”

Why did God create man before woman?

He didn’t want any advice!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

three nuns were talking. the first nun said “i was cleaning the fathers room
the other day and do you know what i found? a bunch of pornographic magazines”
“what did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“well, of course i threw them in the trash”
the second nun said, �well, i can top that. i was in fathers room putting away
the laundry and i found a bunch of condoms”
“oh my” gasped the other nuns. “what did you do?” they asked.
“i poked holes in all of them” she replied.
the third nun said, “oh s***.”

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,”Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you prove it.”He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.” He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can you tell?”

El siguiente correo electr�nico lleg� a mi correo interno en la empresa donde trabajo, proveniente de una afiliada en Estados Unidos:

MESSAGE FROM CORPORATE (Any Corporate)
TO: ALL MEXICAN STAFF
FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES
RE: IMPROPER LANGUAGE USAGE
DATE: NOVEMBER 05, 2001

Several corporate officers have brought to our attention that Mexican staff commonly uses inappropriate language. Such behavior, in addition to violating Company Policy # 23.2, is regarded as highly unprofessional and offensive. Therefore, from this date forward, everyone concerned should immediately adhere to the following rules:

1. Words like ‘carajo’, ‘chingada’ and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion might be.

2. You will not say ‘pendejo’ or ‘la cagas’, when somebody is being reprimanded, or ‘que pendejada’ or ‘que mamadas son estas’ when a major mistake or conflict has risen. All forms derived of the verbs, ‘pendejear’, ‘mamar’ or ‘cagar’ are unsuitable in our environment, for they lead to further confusion and potential disagreement.

3. No Manager, Director, or least Vice-President under any circumstances will be referred to as ‘hijo de su chingada madre’, ‘hijo de puta’, ‘cabr�n’ or ‘ojete’.

4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as ‘falta de huevos’, ‘pinche puto’ or ‘maric�n’, nor will persons with lack of initiative be referred as ‘culero’ or ‘pendejo’.

5. Unusual creative or original ideas should not be referred to as ‘pinches jaladas’.

6. Do not say ‘como chinga’ or ‘jode’ if a person is persistent, or ‘est� jodido’ if a colleague is going through a difficult situation, or his or her department’s position is untenable or ill-conceived. Furthermore, you must not say ‘que chinga’ when matters turn complicated.

7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say ‘vete a la chingada’ or ‘vete al carajo’, do not ever substitute ‘May I help you’ with ‘�qu� chingados quieres?’. When things get-tough and unacceptable, and statement such as ‘We are going through a difficult time’ should be used rather than: ‘esto est� de la chingada’.

8.Performance Management sessions with staff should never be referred to as ‘esto ya mam�’.

9.If you make a mistake just say so, and not say ‘ya la cagu�’ or ‘ya me llev� la chingada’ when your Direct Reports get to know about your mistakes.

10.Under no circumstance should you call our staff members who are approaching retirement as ‘rucos ojetes’.

11.When in a hurry never use expressions such as ‘�ndale, cabr�n’ or ‘orale, pinches putos’.

12. The statement ‘te la pelas’ should not be used to discourage someone.

13. ‘Nos la pelaron los pinches gringos’ should not be used to convey the idea of victory in a negotiation.

14. Body language like the one used by Mexican Senator Roque Villanueva is prohibited.

15. When a problem is not your responsibility, you must not say ‘no es mi pedo’, for there is not an accurate translation of the statement in our language

Thanks and have a nice day.

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.
The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on
the bed was a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, “What are you
doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me
something else I can wear.”

The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on
the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, “What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can
wear to the costume party.”

By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When
the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three
items. In one neat pile is a set of three white buttons, another is a white
belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife,
“What the hell are these for?” The wife yells back, “You can take your clothes
off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as
a domino, and if you don’t like that one, you can take the belt and put it on
and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don’t like that one, you can stick the 2 x
4 up your ass and go as a fudge sickle.”

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news.

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman