Category: other

What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?
They’re both fun as long as your friends don’t see you on them!

There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke up with a hand full of goo

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a
sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, “Operator, giff me beck the party!”

She says, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to make the call all over again.”

He says, “What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.”

She says, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to place the call again.”

He says, “Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in
you-know-vere!” And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys
standing there who say, “We came to take your telephone out.”

He says, “Vy?”

They say, “Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you’d
like to call up and apologize, we’ll leave the telephone here.”

He says, “Vait a minute, vat’s da rush, vat’s da hurry?” He goes to the
telephone and dials. “Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28?
Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone
and shove it in you-know-vere?”

She says, “Yes?”

He says, “Vell, get ready — dey’re bringin’ it to ya!”

What were the last words spoken before the first Christams?

– “Push, push!”

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?”

“My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had
arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.

The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.

She can’t find it so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.

The guy is so pleased he asks; “Do you think I could have a urine test too?”

AP and UPI reported today that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “run” to “hide.”

The only two higher levels in France are “surrender” and “collaborate.”

The heightened alert status was precipitated by the recent fire which
destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling its military.

El ministro de una peque�a congregaci�n iba a comenzar el serm�n cuando not� una joven en la fila de enfrente que llevaba un vestido muy pegado y con los senos casi sali�ndosele. El hombre no se pudo concentrar en el mensaje para su reba�o, as� que dej� pasar el servicio y pidi� hablar con la mujer despu�s que los feligreses dejaron la iglesia. Ya solos, el reverendo pregunta en voz de serm�n:

“�Por qu� vienes a la iglesia vestida as�?”

“�Por qu�, reverendo? Todos mis novios me dicen que oyen �ngeles cantar cuando ponen sus cabezas sobre mis senos”.

“Humm. Bueno, d�jame revisar”, dice el reverendo mientras pone la cabeza entre los senos de la chica.

Despu�s de algunos minutos, levanta la cabeza y afirma:

“No oigo ning�n �ngel cantar”.

“Por supuesto que no, reverendo: necesita conectarse”.

What do you call an Eitheopean with feathers glued on his ass?

A dart

En la clase, la profesora comienza a dar una clase de vocabulario:

“A ver, Pepita, decime una palabra que comience con C”.

Y antes de que aquella pudiera responder, Jaimito la interrumpe y grita:

“�Culo! �Concha!”

La maestra, conteniendo su furia contin�a:

“A ver, Raulito, una palabra con T”.

Pero antes de que aquel pudiera hablar, Jaimito interrumpi�:

“�Teta!”

La profesora, que ard�a en rabia, suspir� un momento y pens�:

“Ahora le cago a este infeliz”.

“A ver, Jaimito, decime una palabra con E”.

Y Jaimito pensaba y pensaba:

“�La puta! Una groser�a con E… Una groser�a con E…”

Finalmente responde:

“�Ah, ya s�, profe: enano!”

“�Muy bien, Jaimito!”

“�Pero con una pija as� de grande!”

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”

“My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him
we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to
Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.” Age 10

“When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.” Age 5

“I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it
was just a lawn mower.” Age 11

“I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I
imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the
only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the
lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and
sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died.” Age 13

“I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found
my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already
gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense
of humor.” Age 14

“I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who
wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?” Age 15

“Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I
think about the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!'” Age
15

“It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the long weekends.” Age 8

“Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote.” Age 10

“Home is where the house is.” Age 6

“Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.”
Age 15

“It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
it, the blood would be right there.” Age 5

“Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.” Age 13

“For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big
hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.”
Age 6

“The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?”
or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I
was speeding?”” Age 15

“Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really
needed them, right?” Age 15

“I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he
sucks.” Age 15

“If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
be…until the looting started.” Age 15

Dos chicas se encuentran tomando una copa en un bar, cuando un sujeto entra por la puerta. Una de ellas mira a la otra y comenta:

“Con ese tipo que acaba de entrar me acost� la semana pasada y… �Pedazo de noche, no te lo puedes imaginar!”

“�Pres�ntamelo, que yo tambi�n quiero probar!”, le dice la amiga.

Y as� fue, se lo present� y poco despu�s se fueron a un hotel. Ya en la habitaci�n, ella se desnuda y se mete en la cama, mientras �l se va hacia el servicio. Cuando �ste sale, ella se emociona pensando:

“Por fin, ya vamos a empezar”.

Pero �l se pone a hacer pesas durante media hora. Cuando por fin acaba, la mujer suspira:

“Por fin acabo el precalentamiento”.

Entonces, el fulano coge siete preservativos y se los pone juntos.

“Pues si que es precavido”, piensa la joven.

Cuando el personaje termina de ponerse los preservativos, coge dos trocitos de algod�n y se los mete en la nariz. Entonces, enfadada, la muchacha le reclama:

“Me parece muy bien que hagas precalentamiento, me parece muy bien que seas precavido y te pongas siete preservativos pero… ��Para que co�o te pones el algod�n en la nariz!?”

“Mira, nena, no hay cosa que m�s me reviente que el olor a goma quemada”.