Category: other

How do you keep a dummy occupied?

Read first line again.

After a long period of unemployment, a lumberjack finally succeeds in finding work. After six months of being out in the boonies and being totally bored to death during his off-hours, he asks one of his coworkers:

“Ya know, I’ve been out here in the middle of nowhere for six months now, and I’m dying for some excitement. Any women around here?”

His friend answers “Sorry, Bud, no women around here, but if it’s excitement you really want, tell ya what…There’s an old cabin down by the riverbank, and an old guy name’a Charlie lives there. If you don’t mind spending a little money, Charlie will show you the time of your life.”

“NO. NO WAY!! I DON’T GO IN FOR THAT KINDA STUFF!! WHAT THE HELL D’YOU THINK I AM, ANYWAY?”

“Okay, but you’re gonna be out here for a long time…”

“I don’t care. I’m not doing anything like that, so forget it.”

And so…. Six months after this conversation took place, the fella goes back to his friend and sez…

“I can’t hack this anymore. I’m going out of my mind from boredom. Six months ago, you told me about old Charlie down by the riverbank. How much will it cost to spend one night with the guy?”

His friend answers “Five hundred dollars.”

“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?? WHY IN GOD’S NAME DOES IT COST SO MUCH?”

“Well, there’s two hundred for Charlie, and $100 apiece for each of the 3 guys who have to hold Charlie down. You see, old Charlie don’t go for that kinda stuff either.”

A plane has to many people in it and it is going to crash if
some people wont jump out. The thing is there are no
parachutes left. The captain says, “Hello passengers. I dont
know how to say this so i’ll just say it. We need
3 people to jump out of this plane.” The first person to
volunteer is an English man. He says, “Remember England
and the great Queen!” and jumps out of the plane. The next
person to volunteer is a Frenchman. He says,
“Remember France and the great Eiffel Tower!” and jumps out of
the plane. The last person to volenteer is an
American man. Before he jumps out of the plane he says,
“Remember the Alamo!” and throws a Mexican out of the
plane.

Managed Friendship Plan

Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about
friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines
all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important
cost-saving features.

How Does It Work?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are
met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

What’s Wrong with my Current Friends?

If you’re like most people, you are receiving friendship services from
a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old
neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly
duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends
may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with
inappropriate, outmoded,or even experimental acts of friendship.
Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by
your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness
of fit of all your friendly relationships.

How Do I Know That the Plan’s Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch
of Losers Who Can’t Make Friends on Their Own?

Many of today’s most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a
cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want
to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and
paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of
traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have
met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.

What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?

Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under
the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to
pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed
Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of
his/her friendship.

Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?

You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in
the event of a Friendship Emergency.

What is a Friendship Emergency?

The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after
regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else.
You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that
you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all
approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided
you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship
Hotline) within two business days.

What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?

Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
* Agreeing with you
* Appearing sympathetic
* Chewing the fat
* Dropping by
* Feeling your pain
* Gossiping
* Hanging out
* Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
* Joshing
* Kidding around
* Listening to you whine
* Partying
* Passing the time
* Patting your back
* Ribbing
* Sharing a meal
* Shooting the breeze
* Slinging the bull
* Teasing (up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan)

What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?

Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):
* Bar hopping
* Bending over backwards
* Drinking to excess
* Giving a hoot
* Going the extra mile
* Lending money
* Real empathy
* Truly caring
* Using illicit drugs

How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?

A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our
toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed
Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate
friendship needs will be met.

Who Decides What’s Appropriate for Me?
We do. Isn’t that what friends are for?

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

”No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ”Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ”I found them in the hallway.”

”Now,” she said, ”if only I could find my parakeet.”

• Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
• Motorcycles’ curves never sag.
• Motorcycles last longer.
• Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.
• You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
• Motorcycles don’t have parents.
• Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
• You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
• You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
• If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
• If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
• Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
• When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
• Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
• Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
• New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don’t want to pay for them, you don’t get them.
• If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
• If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
• If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
• If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.
• You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
• You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
• You don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
• You don’t have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
• You don’t have to convince your Motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
• If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
• Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
• Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
• Motorcycles don’t insult you if you are a bad rider.
• Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
• Motorcycles don’t care if you are late.
• You don’t have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
• It’s always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
• If your Motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
• You can’t get diseases from a Motorcycle you don’t know very well.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

A man and his wife both come home looking glum..

“What’s up with you” he says…

“Never mind me, what’s up with you?” she replies

“Well …I’ve been made redundant”.

“Oh my god!….. so have I” she says. “What WILL we do?.. we’ve just taken on this HUGE mortgage!”

“Well…there’s only one thing for it… you’ll have to go on the streets until we get work” says he.

“But I’ve never been a prostitute…how will I know what to do?” she moans.

“Don’t worry” he says, “I’ll be your pimp…..get your kit on and let’s go up to Soho”.

“Now you stand on this street corner and I’ll hide in this doorway…if you need help just come and ask”.

“OK.” she says (nervous as hell but slightly excited)

A Jaguar draws up and down slides the window….”How much for full sex love?”

“Hold a minute” she says…. She hobbles round the corner in her red stilettos, basque and handbag.

“This man wants full sex” she whispers to her husband…”how much?”

“Tell him �70.” replies hubby. She hobbles back to the car….”�70 for full sex Mister.”

“Good god I can’t afford that!.. I’ve only got �30 on me and I don’t get paid ’til Friday….what will I get for �30?”

“Hang on a mo.” she says and hobbles back round the corner.

“He’s only got �30.. what can I do for that?”

“Oh…a blow job only then” says hubby “and make it quick.”

She totters back…”a blow job only.”

“Jeez” says Jaguar man…”still I’m desperate…let’s get in the back seat”

They get in the back and she undoes his fly…….out pops the BIGGEST one she’s ever seen…it’s huge!

“Oooooh!” she exclaims….”hold on a minute” she says and gets out of the car…

She hobbles round the corner and says to her husband…”Couldn’t you lend this man �40 until Friday?”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom.His mother smiled and said ‘The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid’. The little boy opened the back door a little and said ‘Lord if you’re out there, hand me the broom’.

Ah� tienen un tipo muy exitoso que vio como todo lo que hab�a logrado en la vida comenzaba a desbaratarse debido a unos fuertes dolores de cabeza que le atormentaban frecuentemente. Tan grande era el dolor que decidi� buscar ayuda profesional.

Despu�s de ir de especialista en especialista encontr� un m�dico que le dijo que pod�a resolver su problema:

“La buena noticia es que le puedo curar sus dolores de cabeza. La mala es que para lograrlo debo castrarlo. No se asuste, los estudios indican que tiene una rara condici�n que provoca que sus test�culos hagan presi�n en la base de su columna y esta presi�n provoca que tenga fuertes dolores de cabeza”.

La castraci�n fue un �xito. El hombre sali� del hospital y se dio cuenta que era una persona diferente y que podr�a empezar de nuevo a vivir. Feliz de la vida, al pasar por una tienda de trajes decide comprarse uno.

Al entrar el vendedor despu�s de verlo, le dice:

“44 de largo”.

“�C�mo lo supo?”, pregunta sorprendido el eunuco.

“Ese es mi trabajo”, responde con arrogancia el vendedor.

El tipo se mide el traje y le queda a la medida.

“�Qu� tal una camisa nueva?”, sugiere el vendedor.

“Me parece bien”.

El vendedor lo observa y afirma:

“Manga 34, cuello 16”.

“Pero, �c�mo lo supo?”

“Es mi trabajo”.

Y, por supuesto, que la prenda le qued� a la perfecci�n.

“�Qu� tal un juego de ropa interior?”

El capado acepta.

“Muy bien, veamos, es usted talla 36…”

“Se equivoca, caballero, he usado talla 34 desde que ten�a 18 a�os…”

“�Usted no puede usar talla 34, porque eso provocar�a que sus test�culos hicieran presi�n en su columna, caus�ndole tremendos dolores de cabeza!”

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the St. Patrick’s Day holiday. He
was getting bored with just sitting at the truck stop cafe, so he decided to go
for a few beers. After about the 4th one, he had to use the bathroom badly. He
went into the bathroom, and he was peeing, lhe ooked into the next stall and
noticed a leprechaun whose penis was HUGE!
“Let me ask you something…how come short guys have bigger peckers than tall
guys?”

In his heavy Irish accent, the leprechaun looked up and said, “I don’t know
laddy, i’m a leprechaun”.

With that, the trucker reached out and grabbed him and said, “Well guess what?
I caught ya!”

“Aye lad, that ya did, but your wishes won’t come true until tomorrow
morning”.

The trucker was confused by this, “Why not? You’re a leprechaun, I caught ya,
so you are supposed to grant me 3 wishes.”

“Well”, began the leprechaun, “you don’t know anything about us leprechauns.
We get a day of the year off and it happens to be St. Patrick’s Day.” Well, the
trucker understanding this made his 3 wishes. He wanted to own his trucking
company, he wanted every woman he saw to desire his body and he wanted 10
million dollars in the bank, tax free. The leprechaun said it would be done in
the morning. On his way out of the restroom, the leprechaun says, “Lad, would
you like to have your wishes come true tonight?”

“Well yeah, but what’s the catch?”, came the reply. “Well, you gotta let a
leprechaun corn-hole ya.” The trucker, at first protested, but then the
leprechaun reminded him of all that he would be gaining in few precious moments.
Thinking about the money, the company becoming his and ALL those women, he
agreed but told the leprechaun not to tell anyone. When it was all over, the
leprechaun was getting ready to leave, turned to the trucker and said, “Laddy,
can I ask ya a question?”

“Sure”, says the trucker.

“How old are ya now?”

“I’m 40 years old” says the trucker.

With that, the leprechaun says, “You mean to tell me that you’re 40 years old
and still believe in leprechauns?”

Q. If one Mexican is playing basketball with another Mexican, what is it colled?

A. Juan on Juan