Category: other

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York
City
subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank
adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand,
whips
out his wallet, pulls out a couple of dollar bills and gladly
hands
them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other
passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. “What on
earth
did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going
to use
it on drugs or booze!!!”

Matt replies, “What…and we weren’t?”

Q: Why should you never ask one Baptist over to watch football with you, but instead always invite two?

A: Invite one, he’ll drink all your beer.

Invite two and neither of them will drink a drop!

Un d�a se acerca una joven al confesionario y dice:

“Padre, confi�some porque he pecado”.

“A ver hija, �qu� te ha pasado?”

“Padre, ayer me he acostado con el cura de la parroquia vecina”.

“Muy mal hecho, hija, muy mal, porque t� perteneces a �sta”.

One day a guy walks into a bar and sees this jar of money, so he goes up to the bartender and asked him what it was for he says well where having a contest. You see that guy over there you have to tap him on the shoulder and knock him out in one punch. The guy says I can do that. Then he says next you have to go in that cage over there and there is a dog in there he has all the rabies in the world you have to pull out three of his teeth.He says I can do that. Then the bartender says next you have to FUCK that old lady over there, the man syas no I won’t do that. He has a couple of beers then puts his money in the jar and then taps the guy on the shoulder and knocks him out in one punch. hen goes in the cage and comes out 3 minutes later and says where is the old lyady that needs her teeth pulled.

En una clase mixta el maestro pregunta a sus alumnos qu� quieren hacer de mayores:

“Dime, Roberto.”

“Ingeniero, se�or. �Y t�, Carlos?”

“Fontanero.”

“�Clara, y t�?”

“Yo quiero ser mam�. Muy bien, Clara, �y t�, Jaimito?”

“Yo… �yo quiero ayudar a Clara a que sea mam�!”

Una mujer de California llega a M�xico; a los pocos d�as le manda un telegrama a su esposo:

“Suplico enviarme papeles de divorcio. Encontr� compa�ero ideal que re�ne las caracter�sticas del Ford Fiesta 2001”.

El esposo, extra�ado, acude a la agencia de veh�culos m�s cercana para observar de cerca las particularidades del Ford Fiesta 2001. El vendedor le explica:

“Tiene mayor empuje; el eje es m�s largo; la lubricaci�n es constante y tiene un sistema de seguridad que permite que se pare cuando sea, donde sea y como sea”.

Con esa descripci�n, el desafortunado marido pudo comprender los deseos de su esposa y lo �nico que le qued� fue buscar una nueva compa�era de vida.

A las pocas semanas el hombre le contesta a la ‘ex’ envi�ndole un paquete y un recado:

“Te env�o papeles de divorcio. Encontr� compa�era que re�ne las caracter�sticas de la camioneta Jeep 2001”.

La mujer, un tanto confundida, va a la agencia de veh�culos e indaga acerca de las caracter�sticas de esa camioneta. El vendedor le informa:

“Es m�s resistente; tiene mayor compresi�n; no se sobrecalienta; dura m�s sin aflojarse; es m�s c�moda en su interior; no ruge cuando se le mete la palanca; su escape es m�s silencioso; no le papalotea el carburador; no bota aceite por el diferencial y, por si fuera poco, trabaja con las dos tracciones…”

Things You’d Love to Say at Work, But Can’t…

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.

6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re
saying.

10. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn
off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks

Three bachelors were kidding Lou, the married man among them.

“You’ve been hitched five years now, Lou, how come you have no children?” asked one of them. Then trying to make a bad pun he added, “is your wife UNBEARABLE?”

“Or,” said another guy, “is she INCONCEIVABLE?”

“Maybe she’s IMPREGNABLE” joked the third man.

“No, boys you’re all wrong,” lamented Lou. “My wife is INSURMOUNTABLE and INSCRUTABLE!”

A plane has to many people in it and it is going to crash if
some people wont jump out. The thing is there are no
parachutes left. The captain says, “Hello passengers. I dont
know how to say this so i’ll just say it. We need
3 people to jump out of this plane.” The first person to
volunteer is an English man. He says, “Remember England
and the great Queen!” and jumps out of the plane. The next
person to volunteer is a Frenchman. He says,
“Remember France and the great Eiffel Tower!” and jumps out of
the plane. The last person to volenteer is an
American man. Before he jumps out of the plane he says,
“Remember the Alamo!” and throws a Mexican out of the
plane.

Llega un se�or al ba�o de un restaurant y ve a un cubano orinando, y se acerca a preguntarle c�mo le hacen los cubanos para tenerla tan grandota. El cubano le responde, “No, pue eque ac� en Cuba dede chiquitico nosotros nos amarramo una piedra en el pene para que nos crezca.”

El se�or se va a su casa y se amarra una piedra…

Pas� un mes y el se�or se encuentra al cubano de nuevo en el restaurant y el cubano le pregunta, “�C�mo va se�or con lo de la piedra?”

“Pues grande todav�a no la tengo, �pero negra ya se puso!”

Un joven se sube a un tren, y entra en un camarote en el que viajaban un se�or con aspecto muy respetable acompa�ado de su hija de 18 a�os, y en el asiento de enfrente un cadete.

El joven se sienta junto a la hija y se quedan todos muy callados mientras parte el tren. M�s tarde en el viaje, pasan por un t�nel y quedan en absoluta oscuridad, cuando se oye un beso seguido por un fuerte golpe.

Al salir del t�nel, el cadete tiene un ojo totalmente amoratado.

El padre lo ve y piensa: “Seguro que el cadete trat� de besar a mi hija, se equivoc�, bes� al joven de al lado, y �ste le propin� tremendo golpe”.

La hija lo ve y piensa: “Seguro que el joven de mi lado trat� de besarme, se equivoc�, bes� a mi padre y �l se confundi� y le pego tremendo golpe al cadete”.

El cadete, lastimado pero sin animarse a decir nada, piensa: “Seguro que el joven trat� de besar a la chica, y ella se confundi� y me golpe� a m�”.

El joven sin expresi�n en el rostro piensa: “En el pr�ximo t�nel me vuelvo a besar la mano y le igualo el otro ojo”.

A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, “I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah.”

The Polak answers, “The joke’s on you, Johnny.
Nyah, nyah, nyah–I wasn’t even home last night!”