Category: other

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office.
“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked him.
“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you
worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees
by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred
to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last
name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

An elderly Mr. Steinberg and the widow Joyce Cohen were sitting in the lobby of a retirement home.

Mr. Steinberg, a widower himself, says to Joyce, “For five dollars, I’ll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there.

For ten dollars, I’ll have sex with you on that couch.

But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”

Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

Mr. Steinberg says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”

Joyce says, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”

Un avi�n vuela sobre el Eje Central de la Ciudad de M�xico y va perdiendo altura. La azafata informa a los pasajeros con voz dulce y clara:

“Se�ores pasajeros, en este momento sobrevolamos la avenida Eje Central L�zaro C�rdenas, a su lado derecho, podremos observar la Torre Latinoamericana, a su lado izquierdo, el Monumento a la Madre… Ustedes deciden d�nde nos damos: en la Torre o en la Madre”.

Iban dos moscas volando por un establo, cuando vieron hacia abajo hab�a una gran plasta de mierda de caballo, entonces le dice una a la otra: “Mira qu� gran hartada nos vamos a dar”

Y bajaron las dos moscas a comer.

En eso una de las moscas se tira un gran pedo.

Entonces le dice la otra:

“A la gran puta, no seas asqueroso, que no ves que estamos comiendo…”

Recently I went to McDonald’s, I saw on there menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9, or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked
for half a dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half a dozen nuggets,”
said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We
only sell six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t
order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s
right.” So I shook my head and ordered six Chicken McNuggets.

San Pedro llama a un �ngel y le dice:

Esta ma�ana tengo que ir a hacer un par de tr�mites a una nube, as� que te dejo cuidando las puertas del Cielo.

El �ngel, aterrado, le dice que no tiene idea de a qui�n tiene que dejar pasar o no, pero San Pedro lo tranquiliza:

“Mira, por hoy vamos a simplificar. Aqu� tienes una Biblia y un fajo de billetes de cien d�lares. Dale a elegir a los que lleguen: si cogen la Biblia les dejas pasar, y si cogen un billete los mandas al Infierno. Y aqu� tienes mi n�mero de m�vil por si hay alg�n problema”.

San Pedro se va, y pasa la ma�ana en sus cosas, hasta que suena el tel�fono. Es el �ngel:

“Mire, San Pedro, hasta ahora todo iba bien, pero acaba de llegar un t�o que cuando le di a elegir me dijo: ‘�Puedo ver un poco?’ Se puso a hojear la Biblia, y cada tanto dec�a ‘�Hum, qu� interesante!’, y cog�a un billete de cien y marcaba la p�gina; y as� hasta quedarse con la Biblia y todos los billetes. �Qu� tengo que hacer?”

“D�jalo pasar, hijo, que �se es del Opus…”

Yo’ mama’s breath stinks so bad, people look forward to her farts!

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE A BLACK LADY TO POOP?

9 MONTHS

God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want
to hear first?”

Adam says, “Tell me the good news first.”

God says, “I’m going to give you a penis and a brain. You’ll derive from these
great pleasure and great intellect.”

Adam replies, “Wonderful! But what’s the bad news?”

God says, “I’m only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a
time.”

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost grown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

Un p�jaro volaba tranquilamente disfrutando del d�a. Distra�do, comenz� a volar demasiado alto y empez� a sentir fr�o. Antes de que pudiera encontrar una corriente de aire m�s caliente, comenz� a nevar y el p�jaro se congel� y cay� al suelo. En el colmo de la mala suerte, lleg� una vaca y cag� sobre �l.

Como el esti�rcol estaba tibio, el p�jarillo comenz� a descongelarse y, sinti�ndose otra vez bien, empez� a cantar. Un gato que andaba cerca escuch� el ruido y se pregunt� que suced�a; as� que se acerc� al mont�n de esti�rcol y comenz� a removerlo. Pronto encontr� al pajarillo y se lo comi� de un bocado.

Esta historia tiene tres moralejas: Primera, no todos los que se cagan encima de ti son tus enemigos. Dos, no todos los que te sacan del esti�rcol son tus amigos. Y tres, cuando te sientas tibio y feliz, y te parezca que la suerte te sonr�e, debes mantener tu bocota bien cerrada!

Un hombre estaba sentado en la barra de un bar, completamente borracho. De vez en cuando suspiraba profundamente y daba un largo trago a su tarro de cerveza. El cantinero, que lo hab�a estado observando por un rato, le dijo, “Oiga amigo, �cu�l es su problema?”

“Mi hermano me dijo hoy que hay un banco de esperma en la colonia que paga $100 por una donaci�n.”

“S�, �y qu�?”

“�No te das cuenta?” grit� el borracho. “�He dejado escapar una verdadera fortuna entre mis dedos!”