Category: other

Memo to: The members of the Kansas Board of Education

From: God

Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science.

Thank you for your support. Much obliged.

Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your
children shall beget children. And their children shall beget
children and their children’s children after them. And in time the
genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through
natural selection. Because that is how it works.

Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special
qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The
antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great
stupidity, so he doesn’t realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a
brain.

Use it, okay?

I admit I am not perfect. I’ve made errors. (Armpit hair–what was I
thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-
billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by
mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous creation in the
Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket? You
were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed
to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions.

That’s what I made you for: To think.

The folks who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they
got it right. But there were glitches. Imprecision�s. For one thing,
they said that Adam and Eve begat Cain and Abel, and then Cain begat
Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? They left out Tiffany
entirely! Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of
timing and sequence. So what? You guys were supposed to figure it all
out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are
not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as
though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur’s toe, you’re not
supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You’re not big,
drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs. Why do you think there are no
fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think
about it.

It’s okay if you think. In fact, I prefer it. That’s why I like
Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat
frequently. I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from
other organisms, it means I don’t exist. I have to admit this is a
reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of
thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and
see where it leads you. That’s all I have to say right now, except
that I’m really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA,
and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions?

Oh, wait. There’s one more thing.

Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia
dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back
further than ever before? Primitive, multicolor animals on Earth
nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling
muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was . . . DNA.
Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so
sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works. I wonder
who could have thought of something like that, back then.

Just something to gnaw on.

El ‘marido’ regresa de un largo viaje muy deseoso de tener relaciones con su compa�ero, pero al llegar se encuentra con la sorpresa de que no puede porque su compa�ero andaba en sus ‘d�as’. El tipo enojado le reclama:

“�Otra vez con diarrea?”

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple, who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, ‘Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.’

‘Dear,’ the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, ‘I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice arse.’

Dos delincuentes juveniles fueron presentados ante el juez, por posesi�n de drogas. El juez les dijo que los dejar�a en libertad si ayudaban a convencer a otros adolescentes de lo malo que eran las drogas. Los dos estuvieron de acuerdo y una semana despu�s regresaron con el juez a explicar lo que hab�an hecho.

El primero dijo: “Bueno, yo s�lo dibuj� dos c�rculos en el pizarr�n, una grande y uno peque�o. Entonces les expliqu� a todos que el c�rculo grande representaba al cerebro antes de usar drogas y el peque�o despu�s de usarlas.”

El juez estaba bastante satisfecho, pero entonces el segundo muchacho dijo:

“Eso no es nada. Mi presentaci�n fue mucho mejor, y con el mismo dibujo. Yo s�lo les dije a todos que el c�rculo peque�o era su culo antes de ir a prisi�n, y el grande es como les quedar�a despu�s de ir a prisi�n.”

What do you do if an elephant comes in your window?

Swim!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Here’s a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree
to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they’re not looking, pour most of someone’s fresh cup of coffee into your
mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just
called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I
don’t want to have to repeat it.” – Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude
with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch
into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Bob’.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do number two”.

After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, “the
report’s on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter,
“Shut up, all of you just shut up!”

In a colleague’s diary, write in 10 am: “See how I look in tights”.

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear
that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about
it”

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very
important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, “not now” and walk
away.

Las tres formas de hacer el amor dentro de casa:

1) Por toda la casa – T�pico de reci�n casados, hacen el sexo en la cocina, en el ba�o, en la sala, etc.

2) En la rec�mara – T�pico de matrimonios que han estado juntos alg�n tiempo, hacen el sexo solamente en la rec�mara.

3) En los pasillos – T�pico de matrimonios que han convivido por mucho tiempo. Normalmente se encuentran en los pasillos y se dicen uno al otro: “�J�dete!”

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.
“Renounce Satan!” yelled Father Sullivan.

“No!,” said the dying man.

“I say, renounce the devil and his works!”
“No way!,” the man repeats.

“And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?” asks Father Murphy.

“Because,” said the dying man…
“I want to wait until I see where I’m heading before I start pissing anyone off!”

Q: What’s the difference between a JAP and a bowl of Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Hold your tounge and say” Pass the spoons.”
Hold your tounge and say” Sally sells seashells by the seashore.”

Un muchacho un poco lento, encuentra la mujer de su vida, se enamora y decide contraer matrimonio con la susodicha.

El padre del muchacho al saber la decision de su hijo, siente un poco de l�stima por el, ya que con su problema iba a echar todo a perder la noche de bodas. pensando en como ayudarlo, decide hospedarse en la habitaci�n siguiente de la que se hospedar�a su hijo en aquella noche tan especial para el muchacho, y as� poder gritarle desde el otro lado qu� hacer en caso de alg�n problema.

Bueno, llega la noche tan esperada y todo se hace como ten�an planeado. Pero el joven que no era lento para otras cosas se las arregl� solo perfectamente.

Despu�s del acto al joven le dan ganas de ir al ba�o a orinar. De regreso no se percat� de que hab�an dejado una vacinica llena de mierda al lado de la cama y como todo estaba tan oscuro, meti� hasta las rodillas en el caquero aquel, con gran enojo el joven grita �MALDITA SEA ME EMBARRE DE MIERDA!

El padre, que estaba esperando con ansias poder ayudar a su hijo, le grita desde la otra habitaci�n:

“�DALE VUELTA MI HIJO, DALE VUELTA!”

How come black people always have nightmares?

Because the last one who had a dream was shot.