Category: other

An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.’Hello mate,’ the Aussie says.’No Australian cricket fans in heaven,’ replies Saint Peter.’What?’ exclaims the man, astonished.’You heard, no Australian cricket fans.”But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,’ replies the Aussie.’Oh really,’ says Saint Peter. ‘What have you done then?”Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.”Oh,’ says Saint Peter, ‘anything else?”Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.”Hmmm, anything else?”Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.”OK,’ said Saint Peter, ‘you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.’Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, ‘I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your $30 back, now f*** off.’

Diferentes tipos de hombre seg�n las mujeres:

Tipo caf�: Los mejores son ricos, calientes, con cuerpo y te mantienen despierta toda la noche.

Tipo cemento: Despu�s de esparcidos tardan un buen rato en ponerse duros.

Tipo chocolate: Dulces, suaves y generalmente se van directo a tus caderas.

Tipo batidora: Crees necesitar uno pero no sabes realmente para qu�.

Tipo hielera: Ll�nalos de cerveza y te los podr�s llevar a donde t� quieras.

Tipo fotocopiadora: Solo sirven para reproducir.

Tipo rizador de pelo: Siempre est�n calientes y enredados en tu cabello.

Tipo zapato de tac�n: Una vez que le has tomado la medida, son f�ciles de pisar.

Tipo hor�scopo: Siempre te dicen qu� debes hacer y generalmente est�n equivocados.

Tipo r�mel: Corren a la primer l�grima.

Tipo minifalda: Si no tienes cuidado se te suben por las piernas.

Tipo caj�n para estacionarse: Los buenos ya est�n ocupados y los que quedan son para minusv�lidos o son demasiado peque�os.

Tipo clima: Nada se puede hacer para cambiarlo.

Tipo rosetas de ma�z (palomitas, cotufas, popcorn, etc.): Te satisfacen pero s�lo por un ratito.

Tipo tormenta de nieve: Nunca sabes cu�ndo se viene; cu�ntos cent�metros tendr� y cu�nto puede durar.

Pepito falt� dos d�as a las clases. Cuando por fin aparece en el aula, la maestra le cuestiona:

“Pepito, �por qu� faltaste a clases?”

“Lo que pasa, se�o, es que mi mam� lav� mis pantaloncillos y tuve que esperar a que se secaran. Por eso no pod�a salir de la casa”.

“Est� bien, pero �qu� pas� al d�a siguiente?”

“Al siguiente d�a, se�o, yo ven�a a la escuela, pero pasando al lado de su casa vi que en el patio estaban sec�ndose los pantis de usted. Pens� que usted no hab�a ido a la escuela y volv� a casa”.

You might be a redneck if ”Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit!

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, “It’s my wash cloth.”

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, “What happened to your wash cloth?”

The mother responded, “I lost it.”

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother’s washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, “I found your washcloth.”

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, “Where did you find it?”

The boy answered, “The maid has it! She is washing daddy’s face with it.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown

A hooker goes to confession.
hooker: father, father i have sinned, i�ve
been a hooker for 20 years what can i do to be saved?
the priest asks her to remove her clothes and lay down on the floor. the
hooker says,how does this resolve my sins?the priest starts f****** her.

priest: the holy pole is in your hole, now wiggle your ass and save your soul!

17> No longer let the car idle overnight to keep the air conditioning running running for that cool morning drive.16> Start a war against the Netherlands. Seize control of their windmills.15> Instead of a gas-guzzling SUV, use a wagon pulled by a team of Iraqi prisoners.14> Join together hand-in-hand in a circle and sing Kumbaya while facilitating a massive urine spill in the CEO’s pool.13> Deploy a billion Biore strips over the Middle East.12> Call up the oil company. Ask if they have Sheik Akbar in a can. Laugh maniacally. Repeat.11> Next time, go to war for oil instead of for WMDs… I mean to overthrow a dictator… er, to spread freedom… um, to protect our domestic safety.10> Convert Air Force One to run on embryonic stem cells.9> Leave the Chrysler GuzzlingBehemoth in the garage and walk your soccer-mom ass to the corner store for those Funyuns.8> Defile their daughters with your demon seed.7> Get everyone you know to eat beans, then go to ExxonMobil headquarters and demonstrate the viability of wind and methane as alternative energy sources.6> Forgo the Vaseline during this year’s performance appraisal.5> Don’t need a penny? Take one anyway, my friend. Hell, take ’em all.4> Buy all new vehicles from Bedrock Motors.3> Start a rumor that car exhaust is warming the earth, with disastrous consequences looming; watch gas sales plummet as vehicle sizes shrink.2> Stop styling your hair. (Antonio Banderas only)1> Four words: President Ed Begley, Jr. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Guy: If i saw u naked I’d die happy.. Girl: If i saw you naked I’d die laughing!!

These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally sloshed.

At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became lost so split up to try and find the road home.

One of the lushes doubled back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing with a cow’s udders. Her friend screamed “what are you doing”? the other lush says “shut up, with all these guys here someone’ll drive us home”.

Cierto d�a, un tipo llega concupiscente a su casa; toma a su mujer por la cintura y, con voz desesperada y cachonda a la vez, le susurra al o�do:

“Mi amor, estoy muy excitado y te voy a dar hasta por las orejas”.

“�No, por las orejas no, por favor, me voy a quedar sorda!”

“�Y cu�ndo te has quedado muda?”

The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.

The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and sternly asked, “Where is God ?”

Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, “Where is God ?”

Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billy’s
face and screamed, “WHERE IS GOD ?”

Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet, shutting the door behind him.

His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,
“What happened to you ?”

Billy yelled, “We’re in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing and
they think WE did it. “

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, ‘Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”I think so,’ the man replied. ‘My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.”I don’t mean that,’ the priest responded. ‘I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”Oh, sure,’ came the reply. ‘I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.’