Category: other

Un se�or de 80 a�os llega al m�dico para un chequeo de rutina y el doctor le pregunta c�mo se siente.

“�Nunca estuve mejor!, le responde. Tengo una novia de 18 a�os embarazada que tendr� un hijo m�o.”

El doctor piensa por un momento y dice:

“Perm�tame contarle una historia: Yo conoc� a un hombre que era un �vido cazador, nunca se perdi� una temporada de caza, pero un d�a sali� r�pido y se confundi�, tomando su paraguas en vez de su rifle. As� que �l estaba en el bosque cuando apareci� un gran oso. El cazador levant� su paraguas, le apunt� al oso y dispar�…”

“�Y que pas�?”, pregunt� el anciano.

“El oso cay� muerto frente a �l.”

“Es imposible”, exclam� el se�or, “�alg�n otro hombre debe haberlo hecho!”

“A este punto quer�a llegar…”, dijo el doctor.

Q: Why does Congressman Gary Condit wear pants?A: To keep his ankles warm!

“Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?”

“I believe that’s the backstroke, madam.”

“Waiter, there’s also a needle in my soup!”

“I’m sorry, madam, that’s a typographical error. That should have
been a noodle.”

What’s the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird.

Three men get captured by cannibals on a tropical island. Before
they are stripped of their skin to make canoes out of, they are
given their choice of how to kill themselves. The first wishes
to die quickly and painlessly, and shoots himself in the head.
The second chooses to die slowly and somewhat euphoricly by
drowning, and subsequently immerses himself in the lagoon until
dead. The third, asks the tribal chief for a fork, and proceeds
to stab himself repeatedly all over. When the tribal chief askes
why he has chosen such a painful and masochistic form of death,
the condemned man replies, “There’s no way you’re making a
fucking canoe out of me!”

Priest… ‘I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.’

She said…’Who’s gonna look?’

He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said…No, have you?

He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and
have summers free.”
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the
kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do
not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being
allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in
an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of
doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great
idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
You want to choke a person when he or she says “Oh, you must have such FUN
everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like
this?”

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because he felt like it!!!

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes it is.”
Boy- “I have a baseball.”
Man- “That’s nice.”
Boy- “Want to buy it?”
Man- “No, thanks.”
Boy- “My dad’s outside.”
Man- “OK, how much?”
Boy- “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy- “Dark in here.”
Man- “Yes, it is.”
Boy- “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy- “$750.”
Man- “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says “$1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his
own personal problems. The man couldn’t find the answers, so he sought help from
God.

“God? You there, God?” he asked.

“Yes. What is it, my son?” God answered.

“Mind if I ask a few questions?” the man asked.

“Go ahead, my son, anything.”

“God, what is a million years to you?”

God answered, “A million years to me is only a second.”

The man asked, “God, what is a million dollars worth to you?”

God replied, “A million dollars to me is worth only a penny.”

The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. “God, can I have a
penny?”

God answered, “Sure, give me a second.”

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand
new jeep cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. the driver, a young
man in a brioni suit, gucci shoes, rayban sunglasses and a ysl tie, leaned out
of the window and asked our shepherd: “if i can tell yo exactly how many sheep
you have in your flock, will you give me one?” the shepherd looks at the yuppie,
then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers “sure!” the yuppie parks
the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a nasa
page on the internet where he calls up a gps satellite navigation system, scans
the area, opens up a database and some 60 excel spreadsheets with complex
formulas. finally he prints out a 150 page report on hi-tech miniaturized
printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: “you have here exactly 1436
sheep!”

“this is correct. as agreed, you can take one of the sheep” says the
shepherd. he watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his
cherokee.

then he says: “if i can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me my sheep back?”

“okay, why not” answers the young man.

“you are a consultant” says the shepherd.

“this is correct” says the yuppie, “how did you guess that?”

“easy!” answers the shepherd. “you turn up here although nobody called you.
you want to be paid for the answer to a question i already knew the solution to,
while in fact you don’t know s*** about my business, because you took my dog!”