Category: other

A college student is home for the summer from college, and is looking for a
job. he goes to k-mart, and fills out an application. a few days later, the
manager calls him and asks him to come in for an interview, which the student
does. when the student arrives, the manager sits him down and says “well son do
you think you have what it takes to work at ‘the big k’? the student thinks to
himself, “is this guy f****** nuts?”, but nods his head and says yes. the
manager says ok, and tells the student he must get a lesson first on how to deal
with customers. they go to a cash register, and the manager tells the student to
watch him and learn what to do. the student agrees and after a few minutes a
customer comes to the counter, and throws down a bag of grass seeds. the manager
looks at the bag, and says �say would you like a lawnmower to cut that grass
when it grows?” the customer thinks for a second and says ” yeah, why the hell
not.” the manager looks at the student and says “son, do u think u can do that?”
the student again thinks to himself �is this guy f****** nuts?”, but nods says
and says he does. a few minutes later, another customer comes to the register to
get checked out, and the manager tells the student to try it. the student
agrees, while the customer throws a pack of tampons up on the counter. the
student looks that the tampons and says �sir, would u happen to be interested in
buying one of our grass cutters, they are on sale in aisle 8?” the customer
looks at the student and says “why the hell would i want to buy a grass cutter?”
the student looks at him and says �well i just figured since u wouldn’t be
getting any pussy this weekend, that u might wanna cut your grass instead!”

Un d�a dos j�venes homosexuales fueron de visita al zool�gico. Caminaban por todas las secciones del mismo cuando se encontraron con la jaula del gorila.

El gorila estaba sentado en una esquina de la jaula con una tremenda erecci�n.

“Me pregunto c�mo se ha de sentir”, suspira uno de los maricas.

“Pues solamente hay una manera de saberlo, y esa es toc�ndolo”, le responde el otro.

El primer joto mete la mano dentro de la jaula, y palpa los genitales del gorila.

Antes de que �ste pudiera retirar la mano, el gorila lo agarra y lo mete a la jaula, le rasga las ropas, lo pone contra el piso, le brinca encima y lo viola hasta que casi lo mata.

Tres d�as despu�s, el joto despierta en una cama de hospital. Una enfermera entra y le informa que tiene un visitante. Todo adolorido, abre los ojos y ve a su amigo, quien se acerca con cara de preocupaci�n, pregunt�ndole:

“�Est�s herido?”

El moribundo profiere:

“�Herido? �Herido? �Por supuesto que estoy herido! �Ese cabr�n no me ha llamado ni me ha escrito!”

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty.One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.””My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Once I was in Argentina after going from Mendoza to Cordoba(a 2
day travel)…
Suddenly we found a hotel… And my mom said “C’mon everybody
put the rubbish inside this plastic bag” and then I say to my
sister(Which her name is Charlotte)”Yeah, Charlotte get in the
bag!!!!”

On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to his doctor, �Doctor Jones�, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.

Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.

Doctor Smith said, ‘I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct. We must amputate right away.’

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor.
They must deal with this all the time.

He went to Doctor Chu Wong.

Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said, ‘These Western doctors – so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation not necessary’

Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, ‘You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own.’

Una se�ora sale al patio de su casa, de repente, ve un gorila subido en uno de los �rboles. Enseguida llama al zool�gico:

“En el patio de mi casa hay un gorila”, informa la dama al encargado del zoo.

“Ese debe ser el que escap� ayer, denos su direcci�n para buscarlo”.

La se�ora le da los datos y a la media hora se aparece un hombre con una red, un perro y un rifle.

“�Y c�mo es que lo agarran?”, quiere saber la mujer.

“Es un m�todo moderno: yo me subo al �rbol donde est� el gorila y hago que se caiga al suelo; entonces, este perro est� estrenado para morderle los test�culos y cuando est� paralizado, le tiro la red encima y listo”.

El hombre se dirige al �rbol y cuando se apresta a subir le da el rifle a la se�ora.

“�Y qu� hago con este rifle?”, pregunta la due�a asustada.

“�Es que si el que cae soy yo, mate al perro!”

One day God was cleaning out his kitchen, when he stumbled on three spare
Commandments. He had no use for them, being the conservational type,
decided to find someone who would have a use for them.

God floated down to Egypt, and he said to the Pharoah, “Hello, Pharoah! I
was wondering if you needed three spare Commandments that I found lying
around my house. I have no need for them.” “Thanks but no thanks,” said
the Pharoah, “we’ve got no need for any Commandments. We’re too busy
building pyramids.”

Frustrated, God floated over to Rome, and he said to the Consul, “Hello,
Consul! I was wondering if you needed three spare Commandments that I
found lying around my house. I have no need for them.” “No thanks,” said
the Consul, “we’ve got no need for any Commandments. We’re too busy having
orgies.”

On the verge of despair, God floated over to Mt. Sinai to rest. When he
got there, he saw Moses. God decided to ask him. God said, “Hello, Moses!
I was wondering if you needed three spare Commandments that I found lying
around my house. I have no need for them.” “Uh, how much do they cost?”
asked Moses. “They’re for free!” said God.

Moses said, “In that case, I’ll take ten!”

An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor
told him, “You can stay here but we have one important rule: all students
observe Mauna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years.”

After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say
his one thing or ask his one question.

He said: “The bed is too hard.”

He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and
silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again. He said: “The food is
not good.”

Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words
after 36 years of practice: “I quit.”

His Guru quickly answered: “Good, all you have been doing anyway is
complaining.”

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with
flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant
blinking would bother customers.

“I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I’ll be better in a
second”

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out
until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says “We don’t approve of womanizing!”

The guy says “Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin
while your winking”

1.You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis.

3.You’ve figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

4.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before
the inevitable explosion occurs.

5.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your
ceiling.

6.No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now
scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

7.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names
of all seven Dwarfs.

8.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin
Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

OK…… we have all heard those funny little responses to give
to telemarketers when they call. However, We often never hear
the results. So here is the stupidity of one telemarketer.

The phone rings…

Telemarketer: Hello, I’m from the xyz company, and i was
wondering if you would be interested in our friends and family
phone plan.

My dad: (Acting interested of course) Well, tell me more about
this plan….

Telemarketer: (blabbing on) ……. and would I be able to sign
you up for this today?

My Dad: Now for this plan… do you hvae to have a phone?

Telemarketer: Yes sir, you do.

Dad: Oh, well I am sorry, but we don’t have a phone.

Telemarketer – Oh I am so sorry for bothering you…….click.

When tried on another telemarketer, they caught on….

Telemarketer: Then what are you talking on?

Dad: We can pick up calls on through the microwave.

Telemarketer: OH! Ok, well thank you for your time… click.

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor’s office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, “I don’t seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?” “Yeah, it’s really bad whenever it rains,” she replies.”Well, then,” says the Doc, “Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we’ll take another look at it.”Two weeks later, it’s raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor’s office.”Doctor, it’s really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!” “Well, let’s have a look,” he says, as he lifts her up onto the table.”Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don’t worry ma’am, this won’t hurt a bit.”The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later.”There you go, ma’am, try that.” She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, “That’s great, Doc, what did you do?” “I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots.”