Category: other

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

“Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old.”

“My goodness Jack, and at your age too.” the doctor said. “I hope you took at least some precautions.”

“Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ’em all a phony name.”

En el ej�rcito estaban reclutando a gente para ir a la guerra. En eso, llega un gay a reclutarse, los reclutadores se quedan asombrados de como un gay se iba a reclutar y le dicen, �por qu� te reclutas?, y el contesta, “porque amo a mi pa�s”.

Entonces lo reclutan, y pasan los a�os y el gay es llamado, y lo mandan a la guerra. Un d�a el capit�n del escuadr�n decide hacer una emboscada al enemigo y se esconden detr�s de una colina, llega el momento y disparan, pero no contaban con que el enemigo era m�s poderoso as� que deciden huir, corren y se refugian detr�s de otra colina y el capitan susurra:

“No hagan ruido, de lo contrario nos van a coger.”

En eso el gay se levanta y grita:

“!Aqu� estamos, aqu� estamos!”

Their was an foreign man who knew a little english and lived in a hotel, so
one day he told the waitress “i wanta f***” the waitress said “what!!!” i want
f*** i wanta f*** on the table” the waitress answered and said “u better not u
son of a bitch” so the waitress left mad and never gave him a fork. the next day
he went to the manager and said “i wanta s***” the manager said “what!!!” ‘i
wanta s*** i wanta s*** on my bed’ the manager answered and said ” u better not
u son of a bitch” and he never got the sheet he wanted.

Un tipo llega a su casa y le dice a su mujer:

“�Qu� te cuento, Mar�a, vengo de ver una pel�cula triple X, y no te imaginas la cantidad de locuras que all� se ven!”

“�C�mo as�, Gustavo? �Cu�ntame!”

“�No te imaginas c�mo se quejan las mujeres cuando hacen el amor! �Sabes, yo creo que eso nos falta para ponerle m�s saz�n a nuestro matrimonio?”

“�Te gustar�a que yo me quejara Gustavo?”

“�Ser�a recontra ch�vere, Mar�a! �Por qu� no lo intentas?”

Y efectivamente, la pareja se dispone a poner en pr�ctica la novedad. Esa noche, el hombre empieza a acariciarle los hombros a la mujer y ella le pregunta:

“�Ya tengo que empezar a quejarme?”

“No, todav�a no”.

�l contin�a acarici�ndole la cintura, las piernas… y la esposa nuevamente le inquiere:

“�Ahora ya me quejo?”

“Espera un poco m�s”.

A los 20 minutos, el hombre sube a donde tiene que subir y empieza a hacer lo que tiene que hacer y le dice al o�do:

“Ahora, Mar�a, ahora, comienza a quejarte”.

“�Ay, Gustavo, los ni�os est�n cada d�a m�s traviesos; don Manuel ya no me quiere fiar la carne; la cuenta del tel�fono ha venido alt�sima; no nos alcanza el dinero… ya no s� que cocinar! �Sigo, Gustavo?”

En un pueblo hab�an atropellado a un burro. El atropellamiento fue tal que qued� el burro totalmente destrozado… una pata por all�, otra por ac�, la cabeza m�s all�… pero lo m�s NOTORIO del burro (ya se imaginan qu�) qued� justo en medio de la banqueta.

En ese momento ven�an dos monjas caminado por la banqueta cuando una de ellas tropieza con aquella tremenda cosa, y exclama muy asustada:

“�Ay Dios…! �Mataron al Padre Juan!”

Mirrors don’t talk, but lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.

A college student is home for the summer from college, and is looking for a
job. he goes to k-mart, and fills out an application. a few days later, the
manager calls him and asks him to come in for an interview, which the student
does. when the student arrives, the manager sits him down and says “well son do
you think you have what it takes to work at ‘the big k’? the student thinks to
himself, “is this guy f****** nuts?”, but nods his head and says yes. the
manager says ok, and tells the student he must get a lesson first on how to deal
with customers. they go to a cash register, and the manager tells the student to
watch him and learn what to do. the student agrees and after a few minutes a
customer comes to the counter, and throws down a bag of grass seeds. the manager
looks at the bag, and says �say would you like a lawnmower to cut that grass
when it grows?” the customer thinks for a second and says ” yeah, why the hell
not.” the manager looks at the student and says “son, do u think u can do that?”
the student again thinks to himself �is this guy f****** nuts?”, but nods says
and says he does. a few minutes later, another customer comes to the register to
get checked out, and the manager tells the student to try it. the student
agrees, while the customer throws a pack of tampons up on the counter. the
student looks that the tampons and says �sir, would u happen to be interested in
buying one of our grass cutters, they are on sale in aisle 8?” the customer
looks at the student and says “why the hell would i want to buy a grass cutter?”
the student looks at him and says �well i just figured since u wouldn’t be
getting any pussy this weekend, that u might wanna cut your grass instead!”

Un d�a dos j�venes homosexuales fueron de visita al zool�gico. Caminaban por todas las secciones del mismo cuando se encontraron con la jaula del gorila.

El gorila estaba sentado en una esquina de la jaula con una tremenda erecci�n.

“Me pregunto c�mo se ha de sentir”, suspira uno de los maricas.

“Pues solamente hay una manera de saberlo, y esa es toc�ndolo”, le responde el otro.

El primer joto mete la mano dentro de la jaula, y palpa los genitales del gorila.

Antes de que �ste pudiera retirar la mano, el gorila lo agarra y lo mete a la jaula, le rasga las ropas, lo pone contra el piso, le brinca encima y lo viola hasta que casi lo mata.

Tres d�as despu�s, el joto despierta en una cama de hospital. Una enfermera entra y le informa que tiene un visitante. Todo adolorido, abre los ojos y ve a su amigo, quien se acerca con cara de preocupaci�n, pregunt�ndole:

“�Est�s herido?”

El moribundo profiere:

“�Herido? �Herido? �Por supuesto que estoy herido! �Ese cabr�n no me ha llamado ni me ha escrito!”

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty.One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.””My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Once I was in Argentina after going from Mendoza to Cordoba(a 2
day travel)…
Suddenly we found a hotel… And my mom said “C’mon everybody
put the rubbish inside this plastic bag” and then I say to my
sister(Which her name is Charlotte)”Yeah, Charlotte get in the
bag!!!!”

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.

“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank.
“You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!”

Matt replies, “What…and we weren’t?”

NEW AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY, 2002 AEROPLANE BLONDE

One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia

BEER COAT
The invisible, but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a
booze cruise, even though you’re too pissed to remember where you live,
how you got there, and where you’ve come from.

BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

BUDGIE’S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG The female erection.

DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind,and then fiddles with the woman’s nipples with one hand and her
Budgie’s tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing the double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman’s face by twiddling both her nipples simultaneously.

FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of the Wank Tanks.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.

McSPLURRY
The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.

MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually f***-all in there worth seeing.

MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc i.e.you can see the ‘lips’ moving but can’t quite make out what they’re saying.

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.

NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)
Someone that you’d chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-pinter.

STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman

TEN-PINTER

Someone that you’d only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

TITANIC

A lady who goes down the first time out.

X-PILES

Unwanted visitors from Uranus.