Category: other

Gentlemen:

I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don’t understand why it wasn’t. Well, I will enlighten you.

In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.

In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.

In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).

In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.

The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.

In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldn’t sell it.

So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I’d have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat’s ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.

Yours for more credit,

Max

Why can’t Frankenstein have children?

Because his nuts are on his neck.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, “So how did the appointment go?”
She replies, “He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, “Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year
old ass?”
She says, “Your name didn’t come up.”

What type of salad dressing do the Chinese use?

Chairman Mayo.

Bloke: Would you shag me for a million pounds?

Bird: Yes.

Bloke: Would you shag me for a fiver?

Bird: No, what do you take me for?

Bloke: I’ve already figured that one out. I’m just figuring out the price.

What’s worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

In America, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your children are?
In England, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your husband is?
In Paris, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your wife is?
And in Poland, they say it’s 10:00 do you know what time it is?

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was
fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their
“freedom.”
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of
ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the
priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for
cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister
and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his
private.The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s
my face they would recognize.”

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she’s going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up. ”Yes,” the girl says.”But I didn’t have to go all the way ’round the back. There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.”’

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter.”Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion… it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, “You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!””Yessir,” agreed Bush.”But durn it! We’re gettin’ farther away from our truck!”

I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was
previously there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
He’s so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
Of he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

A puritan is someone who is deathly afraid
that someone, somewhere, is having fun.