Category: other

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.”Good work!” says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher’s outstretched hand.After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, “What was that all about?”The barkeep says, “Haven’t you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain’t done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints come onta my property and laid waste t’my chicken coop. Ol’ Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They’re vicious, and they got no fear — and they gotta be stopped. So I’m offerin’ a bounty — a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt.”Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.Suddenly, Bill says, “Hey, Mike, look.” “Not now,” says Mike, “I’m busy.”Bill tugs on Mike’s sleeve and says, “Mike, I think you *really* ought to see this.” “Not now!” Mike says again.”Can’t you see I’ve got a hundred dollars in my hands?”Bill’s voice starts to waver.”Mike, please, just look!” Mike stops what he’s doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves — at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops. Mike takes in the sight and gasps: “Oh, my God… …. … … We’re gonna be rich!”

1-El amor eterno dura aproximadamente 3 meses.
2-No te metas en el mundo de las drogas… Ya somos muchos y hay poca.
3-Todo tiempo pasado fue anterior.
4-Tener la conciencia limpia es s�ntoma de mala memoria.
5-El que nace pobre y feo tiene grandes posibilidades de que al crecer, desarrolle ambas condiciones.
6-Los honestos son inadaptados sociales.
7-El que quiere celeste, que mezcle azul y blanco.
8-Pez que lucha contra la corriente, muere electrocutado.
9-La esclavitud no se aboli�, se cambi� a 8 horas diarias.
10-Si la monta�a viene hacia ti, �corre, es un derrumbe!
11-Lo importante no es ganar, sino hacer perder al otro.
12-No soy un completo in�til… Por lo menos sirvo de mal ejemplo.
13-La droga te buelbe vruto.
14-Si no eres parte de la soluci�n, eres parte del problema.
15-Errar es humano… pero echarle la culpa a otro es mas humano todav�a.
16-El que nace pa tamal, nunca ta bien.
17-Lo importante no es saber, es tener el tel�fono del que sabe.
19-Yo no sufro de locura… la disfruto a cada minuto.
20-Es bueno dejar el trago, lo malo es no acordarse donde.
21-El dinero no hace la felicidad…. �La compra hecha!
22-Una mujer me arrastr� a la bebida… Y nunca tuve la cortes�a de darle las gracias.
23-Si tu novia perjudica tu estudio, deja el estudio y perjudica a tu novia.
24-La inteligencia me persigue… pero yo soy mas r�pido.
25-Huye de las tentaciones… despacio, para que puedan alcanzarte.
26-La verdad absoluta no existe; y esto es absolutamente cierto.
27-Hay un mundo mejor �pero es car�simo!
28-Ningun tonto se queja de serlo. No les debe ir tan mal.
29-Estudiar es desconfiar de la intelegencia del compa�ero de al lado.
30-La mujer que no tiene suerte con los hombres, no sabe la suerte que tiene.
31-No hay mujer fea, sino belleza rara.
32-La pereza es la madre de todos los vicios. Y como madre… hay que respetarla.
33-Si un pajarito te dice algo… debes estar loco pues los p�jaros no hablan.
34-En cada madre hay una suegra en potencia.
35-Lo importante es el dinero, la salud va y viene.
36-Trabajar nunca mat� a nadie… Pero, �para qu� arriesgarse?
37-No te tomes la vida en serio, al fin y al cabo no saldr�s vivo de ella.
38-Felices los que nada esperan, porque nunca ser�n defraudados.
39-El alcohol mata lentamente… No importa, no tengo prisa.
40-La confusi�n est� clar�sima.
41-M�tate estudiando y ser�s un cadaver culto.
42-Lo triste no es ir al cementerio, sino quedarse.
43-Hay dos palabras que te abrir�n muchas puertas: “Tire” y “Empuje”.
44-�Para que tomar y manejar si puedes fumar y volar?
45-Dios m�o, dame paciencia… �pero d�mela YAAAA!
46-De cada 10 personas que miran televisi�n, cinco son la mitad.

Why do Jews have big noses?

Because air is free.

Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my cat dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbors’ 10 year old daughter’s rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our cat, Cricket, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as “natural causes”.

Back to the hammock and JD.

Within the hour the neighbour’s Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed “DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Her father, panic sticken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s rabbit and put it back in it’s cage?!”

Why did God create Eve?

To iron Adam’s leaf.

Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis

1. The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”

2. Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea”.

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux”.

4. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick”.

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).

10. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate”.

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “it won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”.

“Paddy,” asked the barmaid, “what are those two bulges in the front of
your trousers?”

“Ah,” said Paddy. “They’re hand grenades. Next time that queer O’Flaherty
comes feeling my balls, I’ll blow his bloody fingers off!”

12. Hey, wasn’t your daughter a porn queen?

11. I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

8. No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

7. Back off, Barney, I’ve got a piece.

6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?

5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

4. On the way to the station let’s get a six pack.

3. You’ll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

1. No, YOU assume the position.

Llega la maestra de Pepito al sal�n y dice que no va a ver clases, pero iba a pasar lista r�pidamente antes de irse a la direcci�n a arreglar unos papeles, y decide decir el nombre y la primera letra del primer apellido de cada alumno. Y empieza a pasar lista,:

“Maria D”

“Presente”, respondi� la ni�a.

“Juan C”

“Presente, maestra”, respondi� el ni�o.

“Jos� M”

“No vino, maestra” respondieron los ni�os.

“Ciriaco G”

Y los ni�os le responden:

“No maestra, no se fue a coger, est� enfermo.”

What is the best thing about dating a homeless chick?You can drop them off anywhere.

You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.

San Antonio… �Ojal� que encuentre novio!

San Alejo… Que lo pueda hacer pendejo.

San Hilario… Que me d� todo el salario.

San Crisp�n… Que me haga un rapid�n.

San Erasmo… Que me lleve hasta el orgasmo.

San Gabriel… Que me sea fiel.

San Canuto… �Que no sea puto!

Santo Tom�s… Que me quiera cada d�a m�s.

San Eleazar… Que me saque a pasear.

San Judas Izcariote… �Que lo tenga bien grandote! (El sueldo).