Category: other

TRUE EXTRACTS FROM UK INSURANCE CLAIM FORMS:

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than
I thought.

I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet.
I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it
with a blanket.

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions
and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly
broke.

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the
pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have
asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes
of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him
again.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.
As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my
vision and I did not see the other car.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the
pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found
in a ditch by some stray cows.

La familia com�a tranquilamente. De pronto, la hija de 10 a�itos comenta tristemente: “�Tengo una mala noticia…! �ya no soy virgen!” y rompe a llorar notablemente alterada… con sus manos en la cara y cierto halo de verg�enza.

Un silencio sepulcral, hasta que entre los padres comienzan las recriminaciones mutuas… El padre arranca:

�”T�, hija de puta! (se�alando a su esposa). �Esto es por ser como eres! por andar de coqueta como puta barata… con cualquier imb�cil que llega a casa. Claro, ese es el ejemplo que la ni�a tiene que ver todo el d�a. O de ti (se�alando a la hija mayor de 25) como andas manos�andote en el sof� y toqueteando al pendejo ese de arito y pelo largo, que hasta maric�n debe ser. �Todo delante de la ni�a!”

La madre no aguanta m�s y recrimina a todo grito:

“AAaaaaaaHHHHHH, s�? �Y qui�n es el imb�cil que se gasta medio sueldo en putas! y se despide de ellas en la puerta de la casa. �O es que t� piensas que la ni�a y yo somos ciegas, desgraciado! Adem�s, qu� ejemplo pude tener si desde que te compraste la televisi�n esa por cable, te la pasas viendo pel�culas porno todo el fin de semana!”

Desconsolada y al borde de un colapso, la madre con los ojos notablemente llorosos y con la boca temblorosa toma tiernamente las manos de su hija y en voz baja pregunta:

“�Pero c�mo fue? �Te lo hicieron vaginal? anal? �te forzaron?”

Y entre sollozos la ni�a le contesta:

“�No mami, lo que pasa es que la profesora me sac� del pesebre!”

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go – and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.”Holy cow! What’s that smell?” “I don’t know, sir. I don’t smell anything. What does it smell like to you?” “Like someone crapped a Christmas tree.”

How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know either, everytime I turn the light on they scatter.

What kind of bicycle does an [ethnic] kid get for Christmas?

Mine.

In 1890, the Irish invented the toilet.

In 1891, the English invented the hole into it.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

Your mama is so nasty, when you said, “Mama, what are we going to have for
dinner?”
She stuck out her foot and said, “CORNS”.

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the artist walks by and says, “Can I help you with this painting? I’m the artist who painted it.”

The man says “Well, we like the painting but don’t understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis.”

The artist says, “Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They’re not African men, they are West Virginia coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.”

Yo’ mama so fat she has to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!

• The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
• When something is “new and improved”, which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before.
• People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
• The Norwich Life commercial where the old fart answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife “It’s Patrick! He bought life insurance!” Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between “Hello” and It’s Patrick”. And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?
• When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can’t eat? What, should I eat someone else’s cake instead?
• When people say “It’s always in the last place youlook”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
• When people say, while watching a movie “Did you see that?” No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
• The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind as a fucking bat!
• People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
• People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

For all of you who don’t know, Rosh Hashana is the Jewish New Year. It begins this year at sundown on October 1.

Traditionally, on the first day of Rosh Hashana you throw bread crumbs away to represent throwing away your sins of the past year and starting fresh.

SUGGESTIONS FOR TASHLICH

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:

For ordinary sins, use White Bread

For exotic sins, French Bread

For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel

For complex sins, Multi-grain

For twisted sins, Pretzels

For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes

For sins of indecision, Waffles

For sins committed in haste, Matzah

For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah

For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread

For substance abuse, Poppy Seed

For committing arson, Toast

For committing auto theft, Caraway

For being ill tempered, Sourdough

For silliness, Nut Bread

For not giving full value, Shortbread

For jingoism, Yankee Doodles

For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread

For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread

For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts

For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough

For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls

For immodest dressing, Tarts

For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes

For promiscuity, Hot Buns For racism, Crackers

For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers

For davvening off tune, Flat Bread

For being holier than thou, Bagels

For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah

For indecent photography, Cheese Cake

For trashing the environment, Dumplings

For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf

For sins of pride, Puff Pastry

For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra

For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams

For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake

For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake

For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread

For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

Remember, you don’t have to show your crumbs to anyone.

yo are so ugly that when yo mama gave birth to you and the doctor saw you he slapped yo mama!