Category: other

Guy and girl meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed an gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom. The guy walks in starts to undress an stops with just his shorts on, he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her. She takes one look at it an says, “What’s this for ….are you some kinda pervert?” He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy. She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees. She then hears him say, “Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere baby”.

How are the Unabomber and a girl from West Virginia similar?

– they were both fingered by their brother.

Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?

A: They’d read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.
“Renounce Satan!” yelled Father Sullivan.

“No!,” said the dying man.

“I say, renounce the devil and his works!”
“No way!,” the man repeats.

“And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?” asks Father Murphy.

“Because,” said the dying man…
“I want to wait until I see where I’m heading before I start pissing anyone off!”

Q. Have u ever saw Stevie Wonders wife?
A. No
PUNCHLINE: Neither has he.

One day i came home from work, when i got through gate my dog came up to me and was filled with excitment.then started to hump my leg.there was a red thing that shot out and it was down below near theese two round things.the next day i went to the vet and asked what that red thing was,the doctor said “thats his weiner” he replied.then my dog started humpin the vets arm and this thing was flopin up and down like crazy.

One man would recieve one million dollars out of three if he
stayed in a room full of spiders the longest.
The first man stayed in there 5 miniutes before running out. The
second man stayed for 10 minutes before leaving also.
The third man stayed for hours and hours before finally coming
out. When he did, many asked, “How did you do it?”
“Easy,” said the man, “I killed one and the rest went to his
funeral.”

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN’T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box

7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMMMM, I think it’s out of fluid!

4.My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. It’s an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isn’t:

1. it’s not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN’T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in a law firm isn’t:

1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN’T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn’t:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss.
the brain said, “i should be boss because i control all of the body’s
responses and functions.”
the feet said, “we should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him
to where he wants to go.”

the hands said, “we should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all
the money.”
finally, the a****** spoke up. all the parts laughed at the idea of the
a****** being the boss. so, the a****** went on strike, blocked itself up and
refused to work.

within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered.

eventually, they all decided that the a****** should be the boss, so the
motion was passed. all the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat
and passed out the s***!

moral of the story:
you don’t need brains to be a boss – any a****** will
do.

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the artist walks by and says, “Can I help you with this painting? I’m the artist who painted it.”

The man says “Well, we like the painting but don’t understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis.”

The artist says, “Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They’re not African men, they are West Virginia coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.”

Yo’ mama so fat she has to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!

• The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
• When something is “new and improved”, which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before.
• People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
• The Norwich Life commercial where the old fart answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife “It’s Patrick! He bought life insurance!” Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between “Hello” and It’s Patrick”. And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?
• When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can’t eat? What, should I eat someone else’s cake instead?
• When people say “It’s always in the last place youlook”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
• When people say, while watching a movie “Did you see that?” No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
• The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind as a fucking bat!
• People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
• People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?