Category: other

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man
realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the
rake?” She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a
raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures. “EYE KNEE
THE RAKE”

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to
her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to
her crotch.

Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks
her, “What in the friggin’ hell was that?”

She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”.

What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.

“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, “Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes”.

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF!

The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, “You now have 3 wishes.”

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.”

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, “What will be your second wish?”

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.”

She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”

I looked at her and replied, “How about a little head?”

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when
unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the gate and says, “Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let’s get started.”

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, “No way, let’s move on.”

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, “No way, let’s move on.”

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, “Great, this is the one I will chose.”

The devil says, “OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee.”

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn’t so bad. What’s the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, “Coffee break’s over. Back on your heads!”

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation.
He asked, “Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done.

Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?”

Adam raises his hand and yells “Me, Me, pick me!!” So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says – “Well, sorry Eve…but it looks like you’re stuck with the multiple orgasms.”

Q. What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A. They’re hiring.

Guy and girl meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed an gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom. The guy walks in starts to undress an stops with just his shorts on, he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her. She takes one look at it an says, “What’s this for ….are you some kinda pervert?” He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy. She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees. She then hears him say, “Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere baby”.

How are the Unabomber and a girl from West Virginia similar?

– they were both fingered by their brother.

Why don’t women need driver’s licenses?
Because there are no roads between the laundry room and the kitchen!

Dear Dr. Dover:I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o’clock in the morning?A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work, and the wife got pregnant.A lady of several years’ experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy… but the wife got pregnant yet again.Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn’t work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn’t get anywhere near her.You must appreciate my problems. If I can’t have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can’t believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.Yours sincerely,Bubba Brickhead

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis