Category: other

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.”Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”

Un tipo mayor se hace miembro de un campo de nudistas muy exclusivo por simple curiosidad, en busca de nuevas emociones. Como era su primer d�a, se quit� la ropa como todo el mundo y fue a dar vueltas por el predio. Una linda rubia apareci� por ah� y �l inmediatamente tuvo una erecci�n. La chica not� su erecci�n e inmediatamente se le acerc� sensual:

“�Me ha llamado, se�or?”

“�Yo? No, �por qu�?”

“Usted debe ser nuevo; le voy a explicar. Aqu� tenemos una regla: si le provoco una erecci�n, quiere decir que usted me ha llamado, que usted me desea”.

Sonriente, la chica lo lleva a un jard�n y se acuesta en una toalla; tira fuertemente hacia ella de la mano del hombre y se deja poseer de todas las formas posibles. El fulano, loco de contento, sigue explorando las delicias de aquel campo. Entra al sauna, se sienta e involuntariamente se le escapa un pedo. Sonriente, de inmediato se le acerca un tipo enorme, peludo y con una erecci�n del tama�o de un bate de b�isbol:

“�Me ha llamado, se�or?”

“��Yo?! No, �por qu�?”

“Usted debe ser nuevo aqu�. Le voy a explicar: tenemos una regla que dice que si te tiras un pedo, significa que me ha llamado, que usted me desea. Dicho esto, el gigant�n voltea a nuestro personaje sobre el piso y lo posee de una manera bestial. Luego se marcha. El novicio con mucha dificultad se dirige como puede a la oficina del club. Una recepcionista desnuda lo saluda muy sonriente:

“�Puedo ayudarlo, se�or?”

“Le devuelvo su llave y su tarjeta. Puede quedarse con los 500 d�lares de cuota inicial”.

“�Pero, se�or, usted tan s�lo ha estado aqu� un par de horas y solamente ha visto un par de nuestras facilidades””

“Esc�chame una cosa, nena, yo soy un hombre de 58 a�os. A duras penas tengo una erecci�n al mes, pero me tiro como 15 pedos al d�a… �No me conviene, gracias!”

A priest noticed that one of the nuns in the convent was getting a little chubby. “Is there anything wrong?” he asked her.
The nun replied, “It’s just gas!”

As time went by he noticed she was getting very fat indeed.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” he asked again. “Yes,” she replied. “It’s just gas!”

One day, the priest saw the nun pushing a pram around. He stopped and peered inside. “Hmm . . . cute little fart.”

craig david ,britiany spears and shaggy were in a elevator and suddenly there was a parp craig said i’m walking away shaggy said it wasn’t me and britiany said oopsi did it again. The next day it happened again craig said i’m walking away and shaggy said it wasn’t me and britiany said stronger than yesterday.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to ‘Where do pets come from?’

Adam said, ‘Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.’

And God said ‘No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said,
‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said,
‘No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.’

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said,
‘Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.’

And the Lord said, ‘No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once” John explained.

“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough!” Bob shouted angrily.

“Sure it will” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
“Just look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”

Someday you’ll go far, if you catch the right train.

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for you and
said, ‘oh yes she is.’

Someone took a photo of you once but it didn’t turn out. You could be
seen too clearly.

Take a vacation, go to Club Dead.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Estaban unas monjas prepar�ndose para ordenarse, haciendo una simulaci�n de las palabras que ese d�a se pronunciar�an.

Iban pasando una a una con el sacerdote al frente diciendo:”Padre, yo me ofrezco”…”Padre, yo me ofrezco”… “Padre, yo me ofrezco”… De pronto dice una de ellas: “Padre, yo me doy.”

La madre superiora preocupada se acerca a ella y le dice: “Hermana, no se dice: yo me doy; tienes que decir igual que las dem�s hermanas: yo me ofrezco”, y ella le responde angustiada: “No Madre, es que yo no meo fresco, �yo meo calientito y espumoso!”

El diablo hab�a bebido demasiado y cuando sale de la cantina se tira un tropez�n y cae de cuatro patas; en eso ven�a un borrachito y al verlo que le mostraba el culo empieza a pensar: “este es mi d�a de suerte”. Entonces el borrachito empieza a tener relaciones sexuales con el diablo.

El diablo empieza a reaccionar y dice: “Pero que pasa, este no sabe quien soy yo pero ahora va ver quien soy, lo voy a matar de un susto hasta que se le pare el coraz�n.”

El diablo se empieza a poner rojo sangre y el borracho ni caso que le hace. El diablo dice: “Pero no puede ser, si yo soy el diablo, pero ahora si lo mato de un susto, de esta no se me escapa”.

Entonces le empiezan a crecer los pelos de unos 50 cm por todo el cuerpo y el borrachito sigue sin hacer caso a nada, y el diablo dice: “Ahora si que lo mato a este de un susto y le empieza a salir la cola, y el borrachito sigue, la cola la pone para un lado y sigue adelante, entonces el diablo dice: “Esta es mi �ltima opci�n y con esto le voy a demostrar quien es el diablo.”

Le empiezan a salir los cuernos, en eso el borracho abre los ojos y ve los cuernos, se detiene un momento y en tono de asombro exclama, mientras agarra los cuernos:

“�Aaaayyyy, si hasta tiene de donde agarrarse!”

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man
realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the
rake?” She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a
raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures. “EYE KNEE
THE RAKE”

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to
her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to
her crotch.

Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks
her, “What in the friggin’ hell was that?”

She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”.

What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.

“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, “Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes”.

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF!

The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, “You now have 3 wishes.”

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.”

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, “What will be your second wish?”

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.”

She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”

I looked at her and replied, “How about a little head?”