Category: other

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcylcles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself!”

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of ‘Woman’ ?”

God says, “Ahhh, yes.”

“Well,” says Davidson, “You have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There’s too much front end protrusion

2. It chatters at high speeds

3. The rear end wobbles too much

4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust

“Hmmm…..” replies God, “hold on”

God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

“It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson “but according to My Computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours!

Un m�dico veterinario hab�a tenido un d�a muy dif�cil en su cl�nica, donde atendi� a muchos animales enfermos. Para su fortuna, al llegar a casa por la noche, su esposa lo estaba esperando con una bebida fr�a y una cena rom�ntica a la luz de las velas. Despu�s de cenar tomaron algunas bebidas m�s y luego se fueron a la cama muy emocionados.

Cerca de las 2 de la ma�ana el tel�fono son�:

“�Es el veterinario?”, pregunt� la voz de una anciana.

“Si, soy yo. �Es una emergencia?”

“Se puede decir que s�… Hay un mont�n de gatos en celo en mi techo haciendo un ruido terrible y no puedo dormir. �Qu� puedo hacer?”

El veterinario respir� profundamente y respondi� pacientemente:

“Abra la ventana y d�gales que tienen una llamada telef�nica”.

“�De veras? �Usted cree que eso los detendr�?”

“Seguro que s�… �ESO ME DETUVO A M�!”

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, “The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families.” The Baptist preacher said, “We did better than that! We gained six new families.” The Presbyterian pastor said, “Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!”

Q. What do you call someone who puts poison in ricecrispies
A. A cereal killer

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin
with one hand.” The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on,’ and
‘I understand. How did you feel about that?'”

The new priest says those things. The old priest says, “Now, don’t you
think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!?
What happened next?'”

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn’t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

“No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”

“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard. “You didn’t even want a special last meal!”

The inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.”

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started singing, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”

Una conductora de un programa de televisi�n entrevista a un granjero tratando de conocer la principal causa de la enfermedad llamada de las vacas locas.

“Buenas noches, se�or, estamos aqu� para obtener informaci�n acerca de la principal causa de la enfermedad de las vacas locas. �Tiene usted alguna idea de cual puede ser esa causa?”

El ganadero, viendo fijamente a la mujer responde:

“�Sabe usted que el toro se coge a la vaca una sola vez al a�o?”

La reportera, sinti�ndose avergonzada, vacila:

“Bueno, se�or, eso si que es un dato interesante, pero �qu� relaci�n tiene ese hecho con la enfermedad de las vacas locas?”

“Bueno, se�ora, �sab�a usted que nosotros orde�amos a las vacas cuatro veces al d�a?”

“Caballero, esto en realidad es informaci�n muy valiosa, pero sigo sin ver la relaci�n”.

“Acabo de dec�rsela, se�orita: nada m�s imag�nese si yo me pongo a jugar con sus tetas cuatro veces al d�a y me la cojo s�lo una vez al a�o, �no se volver�a usted loca?”

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into
his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words “open
me first” and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his
predecessor saying: “These three envelopes will save you a world
of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in
sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and
envelope three third.”

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about
them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes,
and is losing money fast.

After a lengthy day negotiating with the union, he remembers the
3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: “Blame me,
your predecessor for everything”.

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis
comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody’s happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer
and opens the second envelope. It reads, “Blame the government
for everything”.

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his
job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager
goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, “Prepare 4 new
envelopes”.

A priest and a rabbi were talking about confession one day when the priest got an idea. “Why don’t you sit in with me on confession today?”

“Are you sure that would be okay?” asked rabbi.

“Well, no one will know…what can it hurt?” replied priest.

So rabbi accepted and first woman in booth said, “forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“What did you do?” he asked.

“I cheated on my husband.” she admitted.

“How many times?” priest asked.

“Three times, Father.”

“Say five hail Marys and put five dollars in offering box.”

The next woman who came in had much same confession. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I cheated on my husband three times.”

Once again priest replied, “Say five hail Marys and put five dollars in offering box.”

Now that rabbi had seen how easy it was he offered to deal with next confession for priest.

“Well, I really don’t see what it could hurt. Go ahead.” offered priest.

Another woman came in and said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

“What have you done?” asked rabbi.

“In a moment of weakness I cheated on my husband.” she confessed.

“Just once?” asked rabbi.

“No. Twice.” re`lied woman.

“Well, go do it again, they’re three for five dollars today.”

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later… Nun: Father, I’m terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I’ll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later…Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later… Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own blanket.

Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood’s mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket.

One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled “I’m going to fuck your brains out!”

Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: “Oh no you’re not, you’re going to eat me like the story says.”

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands. “Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

15 students raise their hands. “That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

3 students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a Ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!? I thought you said ‘goats.'”