Category: other

I think every white man should own one!

Why did the Canadian cross the road?

He saw some American do it on TV.

There are 4 people standing by the ledge of a hill. The Mexican says “I do this for my country” and jumps. The White guy says “I do this for my country” and jumps off. The Black guy says “I do this for my country” and grabs the Indian and throws him off.

Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.”

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold.” He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold.” He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.”

This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.”

The nun said, “That’s fine by me.”

To which the priest yelled out, “Get up and get your own fucking blanket!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated.

An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

“I want to get screwed,” said the man.

“OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot,” answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

“Hey,” exclaimed the sport, “I want to get screwed!”

“What?” said the voice, “Again?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

En cierta ocasi�n se hizo un concurso entre los mejores arqueros del mundo. Ya llegada la final s�lo quedaban tres competidores: uno de Suiza, otro de Inglaterra y por �ltimo, sepa c�mo le hizo, pero estaba un mexicano. Como en la �ltima prueba los tres finalistas estaban empatados, los jueces decidieron aumentar el grado de dificultad y ahora se trataba de poner alguna fruta en la cabeza de un ni�o que estar�a a 50 m de distancia y luego disparar con el arco y acertar en ella.

Primero va el ingl�s y �ste coge una sand�a y se la pone al ni�o en la cabeza; prepara su arco. Se siembra un silencio total en todo el estadio. Dispara y acierta partiendo en dos la fruta. Se lleva una gran ovaci�n del p�blico. Terminado su turno, coge el micr�fono y presumiendo a todo mundo se presenta:

“I’m Robin Hood”.

Toca turno al suizo, pero �ste en vez de una sand�a coge una manzana y la coloca en la cabeza del ni�o. Entonces, un silencio enorme se apodera del estadio. La gente est� sorprendida, ya que la manzana es muy peque�a. El arquero cogi� su arco, apunt� y con un disparo certero le da justo en el centro parti�ndola en cuatro partes. El estadio explota con una gran ovaci�n. Y tambi�n, una vez terminado su turno, agarr� el micr�fono y presumi� a todo mundo:

“I’m Guillermo Tell”.

Por �ltimo, el m�s freg�n de todos: el grandioso y majestuoso mexicano. Quien arras� con todos sus contrincantes en las otras fases y es recibido con una estruendosa ovaci�n cuanto toca su turno. De su bolsa, el competidor saca un objeto y lo pone en la cabeza del ni�o. Intrigados, los espectadores se preguntaban qu� era esa bolita roja que se ve�a a lo lejos. Gracias a las pantallas gigantes que hab�a en el estadio, pudieron ver que se trataba de una min�scula cereza que apenas se pod�a ver en la cabeza del ni�o. Para hacer m�s dif�cil la prueba, coloca al ni�o a 100 m de distancia. Esta vez se siente un silencio sepulcral en el estadio. Ni un respiro se o�a. Nada. Como si estuviera solo, el mexicano coge su arco, apunta, dispara la flecha que se va viajando a m�s de 100 Km/h… �Zas! La flecha se clava justamente en medio de la frente, atraves�ndole la cabeza al ni�o. El mexicano coge el micr�fono y dice:

“I’m Sorry”.

Se despierta un d�a en la ma�ana una se�ora y se espanta al ver que tiene una teta que le llega hasta el ombligo. Consternada se dirige con su m�dico.

“�Doctor, tengo un grave problema!”

“D�game, se�ora”.

“Pues f�jese que en la ma�ana me despert� y me di cuenta que ten�a un seno mayor que el otro.

“No me diga, �pues qu� fue lo que comi� o qu� ha hecho?”

“Nada, doctor, lo �nico es que en la intimidad, cuando me voy a dormir, mi esposo se duerme agarr�ndome un seno”.

“�Ay se�ora, eso es de lo m�s normal! Tambi�n cuando me acuesto, le agarro un seno a mi mujer”.

“S�, pendejo, pero usted no se duerme en una litera”.

Una conductora de un programa de televisi�n entrevista a un granjero tratando de conocer la principal causa de la enfermedad llamada de las vacas locas.

“Buenas noches, se�or, estamos aqu� para obtener informaci�n acerca de la principal causa de la enfermedad de las vacas locas. �Tiene usted alguna idea de cual puede ser esa causa?”

El ganadero, viendo fijamente a la mujer responde:

“�Sabe usted que el toro se coge a la vaca una sola vez al a�o?”

La reportera, sinti�ndose avergonzada, vacila:

“Bueno, se�or, eso si que es un dato interesante, pero �qu� relaci�n tiene ese hecho con la enfermedad de las vacas locas?”

“Bueno, se�ora, �sab�a usted que nosotros orde�amos a las vacas cuatro veces al d�a?”

“Caballero, esto en realidad es informaci�n muy valiosa, pero sigo sin ver la relaci�n”.

“Acabo de dec�rsela, se�orita: nada m�s imag�nese si yo me pongo a jugar con sus tetas cuatro veces al d�a y me la cojo s�lo una vez al a�o, �no se volver�a usted loca?”

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into
his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words “open
me first” and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his
predecessor saying: “These three envelopes will save you a world
of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in
sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and
envelope three third.”

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about
them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes,
and is losing money fast.

After a lengthy day negotiating with the union, he remembers the
3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: “Blame me,
your predecessor for everything”.

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis
comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody’s happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer
and opens the second envelope. It reads, “Blame the government
for everything”.

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his
job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager
goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, “Prepare 4 new
envelopes”.

The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.

The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again, and again the congregation approved the increase.

Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses.

This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.

Finally, the minister stood up and shouted “Having children is an Act of God!”

An older man in the back stood and shouted back, “So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!”

Submitted by tbone
Edited by Yisman

There once was a panda in a bar, the manager seated him. Then a waiter took his order:a steak and a root beer. Once he finished his meal he thanked, paid, and tipped the waiter. Then from the depths of his fur he took out a gun. He shot the waiter. The manager rushed over and asked ” why did you shoot my employee?” The panda said,”don’t you know who I am?” “yes,” the manager replied.”then when you get home look me up in the dictionary.When the manager got home he found panda. PANDA:, a bear native from China:,eats shoots, and leaves