Category: other

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.

I passed by the nursing home & there were six old ladies lying naked in the front grass.

I thought this was a little peculiar, but continued on my way because it’s a long walk & I wanted to get it over with before it got truly hot again today.

On my way back, the ladies were still lying in the yard & to quench my curiosity, I went inside & asked to speak to the director of the facility.

When I asked him if he knew there were 6 naked old ladies lying on his front lawn, he replied, “Yes I know”.

“They’re retired prostitutes & they’re having a yard sale!”

Editted by Calamjo

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!””What’s the problem, Eve?” God asks her. “Lord,” she says, “I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.”Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples,” she says.”Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you,” the good Lord tells her. “What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” she inquires.”This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the love department.””Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.”Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.””What’s that, Lord?” she asks.”You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first!”

These are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!

1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
“You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
inside!”
you think to your self (Shoplifters special)

2. On Tesco’s Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
“Do not turn upsode down”
(Too late)

3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding.
“Product will be hot after heating”
(Just as day follows night)

4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
“Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY”
(As opposed to what now?)

5. On Sainsbury’s peanuts.
“WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!”
(Talk about your news flash)

6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
“Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts.”
You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)

7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
“Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
genitals!!”
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere!My GOD!)

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”

there are three men in a hot air ballon one has an axe the
other one has a sword and the other one has a bomb the first man
drops the axe then he see a girl crying he says what is the
matter a axe just fell for the sky and killed my mommy so he
runs off the other man drops his sword he see a boy crying he
says what is the matter the boys said a sword droped from the
sky and killed my dad so the man runs off the last man
drps the bomb he see a boy laughing he said why are you
laughing the boy said my best friend just farted so loud
he blow up the hole town

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, “His unit is too small. An old wives’ tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight.”

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

“Mom!” Tommy yells. “The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast.”

“I know.” said his mother. “The other ten are for your father.”

Dos macarruzos est�n sentados en un banco del parque. Para matar el aburrimiento le dice uno al otro:

“Oye, tron, �sabes que est�s sentado al lado del menda m�s pasota y macarra del barrio?

“�Haaaala, pero qu� dices! Toda la basca sabe que el m�s chulo y pasota soy yo”.

“�Qu� soy yo!”

“�No, qu� soy yo!”

Y se tiran un rato as� discutiendo, hasta que pasa un matrimonio de avanzada edad por delante de ellos. Uno de los dos se levanta y asegura retador:

“Ahora vas a ver qui�n es el m�s pasota y macarra”.

Dicho esto, se dirige al matrimonio que iban cogidos de la mano y les mete una paliza de esc�ndalo. Sodomiza al hombre y viola repetidas veces a la mujer. Sacudi�ndose las manos vuelve donde estaba su colega:

“�Soy o no soy el m�s pasota del barrio?

“��Pasota?! Pasota yo, que estaba tan tranquilo aqu� sentado mientras te follabas a MIS VIEJOS”.

What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?

Bubblegum “what were you thinking?”

Erase una vez una persona jorobada, que iba caminando tranquilamente por la calle.

Un calvo la vio y le grit�:

“�Eh! �Qu� llevas en la mochila?”}

A lo que el jorobado respondi�:

“�Tu peine, capullo!”

Once there were two Chinese gentlemen named Mr. Ho and Mr. Chen. They were
neighbors but happened to be very competitive. One day Mr. Ho decided to start a
shoe business, he named his store WE DO SHOE. now Mr. Chen decided he must
compete with Mr. Ho, so he started a shoe business right next door to Mr. Ho’s
store and he named it SHOE DO WE.

The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com