Category: other

Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If you get caught up in this war… I’ll hide from you too!

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.””What do they say?”, the priest asked.”They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?””That’s terrible”, the priest exclaimed, “But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.””Thank you.” said the lady.So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?”One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,”Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered”

Two Iraqis went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel.

The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, “Where is my camel?”

The Iraqis replied, “Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, ‘Look at the two assholes on that camel!’ So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!”

Did you hear that Disney is going to make a movie about Dee Dee Corodini? Yup, it will be called ‘101 Donations.’

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.

A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said, “Clitoris licking frog available”.

Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.

Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying : -“Please ring for service”

The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter. “Bonjour madame”

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”The man answered, “Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.”The pharmacist said, “That won’t do you any good.”The elderly gentleman said, “That’s alright. I don’t need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t piss on my shoes.”

Phone Call: Phil phones his best friend BobPhil: “By the way, man, I heard a new joke! What has a small dick and hangs down?” Bob: “Uh, I dunno… a bat?” Phil: “Good! Ok, now what has a big dick and hangs up?” Bob: “Uhm, don’t know, I give up.” *CLICK* bzzzzzzzzzzzz…

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a newHubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies forquite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution providedby the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyersrushing to the scene…

A boy and his mother were in a line behind a fat lady. Suddenly the fat
lady’s beeper went off. “Look out, Mommy!” he said, “She’s backing up!”

En una ocasi�n, los animales se reunieron con la madre naturaleza para pedirle cuentas por sus defectos.

Primero comenz� el elefante: “Madre naturaleza, estoy muy enojado porque tengo la trompa y las orejas muy grandes”.

“Te hice las orejas grandes para que puedas o�r mejor y la trompa larga para que te puedas alimentar mejor”.

Es el turno de la jirafa y �sta cuestiona: “Madre naturaleza �por qu� tengo el cuello tan largo?”

“Para que puedas alcanzar las mejores hojas de los �rboles y puedas alimentarte mejor”.

En su oportunidad, el b�ho pregunta: “Madre naturaleza �por qu� tengo los ojos tan grandes?”

“Como t� no puedes ver bien de d�a, son para que puedas ver mejor de noche y no choques con los �rboles”.

Todos los animales se iban muy contentos con las respuestas recibidas, hasta que le toc� el turno a la gallina:

“A m� no vengas con esa mierda, o me haces el culo m�s grande, o los huevos m�s chiquitos”.

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. * On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. * The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. * The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. * Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. * Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. * The patient refused autopsy. * The patient has no previous history of suicides. * Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. * Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. * Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. * Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. * Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.* She is numb from her toes down.* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.* The skin was moist and dry. * Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. * Patient was alert and unresponsive. * She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. * Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. * I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. * Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. * Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized. * The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. * The patient was to have a bowel resection. * However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. * Skin: somewhat pale but present. * The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. * Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. * Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. * She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.