Yours Fun Portal !
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
Some people don’t hesitate to speak their minds because they have
nothing to lose.
Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy!
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency?
A: Question marks.
* Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets
static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can’t hear
them over the static.
* Make up your own language. Speak it.
* Say, “This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have
an emergency?”
* Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a
meatball sub.
* Dial the phone and say, “Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better
pay up or else I’m gonna come over there and hurt you! “
* Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn’t ringing.
* Say, “Moe’s tavern Moe speaking.”
* Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper
subscription.
* Communicate only through Morse code.
* Try to sell the telemarketer something.
* Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a
strong scent of bacon over the phone.
* Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like,
“They’ll never catch me again,” “No! Not the jacket! No, no,
no!” After saying one of these mutter incoherently.
* Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won’t buy
because you couldn’t see him/her dance.
* Make him/her sing to get a sale.
* Pretend to be really interested. Then say, “No.”
* Engage him/her in an “intellectual” conversation on an
extremely boring subject.
* Say nothing until he/she hangs up.
* Say, “I told you. I don’t know where your dog is!” Then hang
up.
* After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone
number. Call the telemarketer.
* Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that
you need some time to think, and that you’ll get back to them.
Un tipo que tiene fama de duro se encuentra a un amigo y le comenta:
“El otro d�a me violaron”.
“�Y que hiciste?”
“Nada, que apret� el culo y me lo llev� para la Comisar�a”.
Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial
gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director
to make one more movie.
The director grimaces, ” But I retired years before I died. I’m tired
of all the hassles involved in making movies.”
“Listen,” St. Peter explains, ” we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a
new score for the movie.”
“You’re not listening to me,” the director protested. “I don’t want to
make any more movies.”
“But we got Leonardo da Vinci to do the set design for you,” St. Peter
exclaimed.
“I don’t want to make any more movies!” the director insisted.
“Now look at this script,” St Peter said. ” We got William Shakespeare
to write it for you.”
“Well,” said the director ” a score by Beethoven, set design by da Vinci,
a script by Shakespeare …… How can I go wrong? I’ll do it!”
“Great!” exclaimed St. Peter. ” There’s only one small hitch….
God’s got a girlfriend who sings…………………………….”
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.Finally God said, “Pipe down now, Satan. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every bad word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.”Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!”
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there!” She said, “If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!” So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
When he landed outside he was in the middle of a “running Marathon” so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?” He answered, while gasping for air, “Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”
The other runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?” The nude man answered breathlessly, “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
The runner then asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” The nuddy answered, “Only if it’s raining.”
How do you start a Mosh Pit in Mexico?
Throw A Penny.
Who’s the richest person in Mexico?
The person who get’s the penny.
What do people do for fun by themselves on Halloween?
They monsterbate.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
There was two irish men in a plane and they were going to land ” come in roger we are ready for land over” and the first irish man said ” hey fred its a bit short runway aint it?” The second man said “yeah jim but its bloomin wide to”
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If you get caught up in this war… I’ll hide from you too!