Category: other

gay guy walks into an undertakers to sort out his dead partner. How would you like your partner sir, buried or cremated ? said the undertaker. Oh, Id like him curried please said the gay guy. CURRIED ! said the undertaker, why on earth would you want your partner curried……? the gay guy looks at the undertaker and says…….I just want to feel him burn my arse one more time……..

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, “But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. “It is physically impossible!” she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, “Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

To this, the teacher said, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then YOU ask him!”

A boy goes into the kitchen on Thanksgiving where his mom is cutting a turkey, she cuts herself and says fuck! The boy sayes whats fuck. She says its a nother word for cutting the turkey.He says OK and goes upstairs where his dad is shaving. The dad cuts himself and says shit. The boy says whats shit. The dad says its a type of shaving cream. He says OK and leavs and goes in the living room where his brother is playing video games. He messes up and says bitch, basterd. the boy says whats bitch and basterd and his brother sayes its a name for your aunt and uncle. Just then the doorbell rings and the boy answers it and its his aunt and uncle. He says hi bitch, hi basters. The aunt says where are your parents and the boy sayes dads upstairs shaving with shit and mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner’s consent… 12 calories
Without partner’s consent… 187 calories

UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands… 7 calories
Using one trembling hand… 36 calories

GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner… 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor… 16 calories
Using skateboard… 3 calories

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man… 2.5 calories
Losing erection… 14 calories
Searching for it… 115 calories

PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection… 1.5 calories
Without erection… 300 calories

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced… 6 calories
Inexperienced… 73 calories
If a man does it… 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.

POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing… 7 calories
Sliding around… 9 calories
Serious skidding… 12 calories
Whiplash… 27 calories

ORGASM
Real… 27 calories
Faked… 160 calories

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off… 35 calories
Expression didn’t change… 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled… 6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds… 7 calories
Small birds… 3 calories
Earth moved… 30 calories

PULLING OUT
After orgasm… 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm… 500 calories

PENIS ENVY
For woman… 3 calories
For men… 72 calories

GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion… 30 calories
Sex during a ‘sickie’… 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room… 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account… 9 calories

AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant… 5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay… 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time… 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls… 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls… 40 calories

GETTING CAUGHT
By partner’s spouse… 60 calories
By your spouse… 100 calories
Trying to explain… 55 calories
Trying to remain calm… 100 calories
Leaping out of bed… 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion… 500 calories

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Q: Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Cruz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of
comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while,
they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew
very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s it going down there in
Hell?”

Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to
come up with next.”

God was surprised, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should
never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”

“No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer, and I’m keeping him.”

God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”

Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get
a lawyer?”

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.On entering they must present something Christmassy.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks “how do these represent Christmas?”

He answered, “they’re Carol’s.”

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
“Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”

She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo

Paez le tenia rabia a Bol�var porque siempre lo persegu�an las mujeres y a �l no. Un d�a le pregunta:

“Bol�var, �c�mo hace usted para tener tantas mujeres?”

“Mire, ah� viene una dama, d�jeme darle un ejemplo”.

Bol�var va donde la dama:

“Me gustar�a ser su perfume para embriagarme todo el d�a”.

La dama le sonr�e y se va, no sin antes darle un buen beso. Paez ve que viene otra dama y decide intentarlo:

“Me gustar�a ser su sombrilla”.

“�Y para qu�?”, le responde la mujer.

“Pa’ que me agarre po’ el palo todo el d�a”.

A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial
gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director
to make one more movie.

The director grimaces, ” But I retired years before I died. I’m tired
of all the hassles involved in making movies.”

“Listen,” St. Peter explains, ” we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a
new score for the movie.”

“You’re not listening to me,” the director protested. “I don’t want to
make any more movies.”

“But we got Leonardo da Vinci to do the set design for you,” St. Peter
exclaimed.

“I don’t want to make any more movies!” the director insisted.

“Now look at this script,” St Peter said. ” We got William Shakespeare
to write it for you.”

“Well,” said the director ” a score by Beethoven, set design by da Vinci,
a script by Shakespeare …… How can I go wrong? I’ll do it!”

“Great!” exclaimed St. Peter. ” There’s only one small hitch….
God’s got a girlfriend who sings…………………………….”

Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home.

They undressed and were about to screw, when the woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.

“I should tell you, I have acute angina.” she said.

The man replied, “That’s good because you have the ugliest breasts I have ever seen!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis