Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent
that they would marry, he thought to him, “She’ll never go for me carrying on
like that,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked
beans, and shortly after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car
broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told
her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small
cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had
several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he
got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings
of baked beans. All the way home he ‘putt-putted’. He ‘putted’ down one hill and
‘putt-putted’ up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
“Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She
put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to
answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a
hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He
had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg
and ‘rrriiiipppp!’ It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would
dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge
coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real
blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a
minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping
his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten
minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his
wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he
neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.
After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
“Surprise!!!”
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.