Category: other

Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. “Father, I am sinful. “”Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.””Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it’s been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.””That’s bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.””Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.””That’s not very good of you.””Father, last month, I went to her uncle’s house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too.” “Father? ……… Father?” suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. “Father? Where are you?” He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.”Father, why are you hiding here?””Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.”

Dos maricas iban en un elevador y uno le dice a otro:

“Oye manita, huele como a semen.”

“�Ay, perd�n, es que eruct�!”

A las mujeres con 8 a�os, las metes en la cama y les cuentas un cuento.

Con 18, les cuentas un cuento y las metes en la cama.

Con 28 son un cuento en la cama.

Y con 38 te dicen: d�jate de cuentos y vamos a la cama.

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.

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Q: What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk!

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Q: Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony?
A: When they came over to this country, they had “To NY” stamped on their foreheads.

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A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks, “Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?”
The Saudi replies, “Excuse me, what’s a ‘shortage’?”
The Russian replies, “Excuse me, what’s meat?”
The North Korean replies, “Excuse me, what’s an opinion?”
Finally, the American replies, “What’s ‘Excuse me?'”

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Q: What do New Zealanders call a sheep in their back yard?
A: A ride on lawn-mower.

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Why the British are superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship, they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

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One day, a Newfoundlander was rowing his boat back home after catching some fish singing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”. Meanwhile, some aliens decided to test his intelligence.

They took out 1/4 of his brain and still he sang, “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”.
They took out another 1/4 of his brain, and still he sang “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”.

They finally took all of his brains out. The Newfoundlander shook a bit, then started singing “Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques…”

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HEAVEN Vs. HELL
Heaven: An American salary. A British home. Chinese food. A Japanese wife.
Hell: A Chinese salary. A Japanese home. British food. An American wife.

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A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped down his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry native Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll whip your butt!”

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Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

A little old lady wanted to join a motorcycle gang. She knocked on the door of the local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.”I want to join your biker club,” she proclaims.The amused biker told her that she needed to meet certain requirements before she was allowed to join. First he asks, “You have a bike?””Yeah,” the little old lady says, pointing to a Harley parked in the driveway. “That’s my Harley over there.””Hmmm,” the biker replies. “Do you smoke?””Yeah, I smoke,” says the little old gal. “I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.” The biker is impressed and asks, “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?”The little old lady thinks for a moment, then she says, “No,never been picked up by the fuzz. But I have been swung around by my nipples a few times!”

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Jim answered, “We’ve got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the big fat Colonel swanks around in.”

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

“Do you know who you are speaking to?”

“No,” said Jim.

“It is the so-called big fat colonel you so insubordinately referred to.”

“Well, do you know who you are talking to?”

“No,” roared the colonel.

“Well thank goodness for that!,” Jim said as he hung up the phone.

15> Twenty agonizing minutes of Nicole Kidman brutally beating Tom Cruise with an e-meter.

14> The “On this rock I will build my church,” speech uttered by P. T. Barnum.

13> A shirtless John Travolta is whipped bloody with the raw film stock of “Battlefield: Earth.”

12> Tom Cruise is sentenced to a lifetime of physical torture by Pontius Pilates.

11> L. Ron being nailed by the tax collectors.

10> A gripping metaphorical chariot race from the city of Engramemnon to the State of Clear between the reluctant hero Cognitus and his rival Banquo Accounticus.

9> Searching for the promised land, Tom Cruise’s brain cells launch an exodus from his head.

8> L. Ron Hubbard storms into the temple to show the money-changers how it’s done.

7> The prophet’s explanation of the religion and the accompanying plague of laughter.

6> John Travolta denies being gay three times.

5> The fleecing of the flock, during which L. Ron astonishes his followers by turning water into dihydrogen monoxide.

4> Mary Magdalene tells Tom Cruise’s Jesus, “You had me at ‘Blessed are the peacemakers.'”

3> With only three fish and a couple loaves of bread, L. Ron feeds the multitudes a line of complete bullshit.

2> Suspended in martyrdom on the cross, Tom Cruise finally realizes his dream of experiencing what it’s like to see over people’s heads.

1> During the last supper, John Travolta *really* puts away the spaghetti.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Un d�a Ad�n estaba en el para�so cuando le dice a su compa�era, “�Eva! Se me ocurre una idea, vamos poni�ndole nombres a los animales.”

Eva le contesta, “�Est� bien adan! �Vamos!”

Salieron caminando cuando de pronto ven a un animal cuadr�pedo, con melena y pelo corto. Eva dice: “�Mira! �A ese hay que ponerle le�n!”

Ad�n contesta: “Le�n te llamar�s.”

Siguieron caminando cuando ven otro animal cuadr�pedo con el cuello largo y manchas en la piel. Eva dice: “�Mira! �A ese hay que ponerle… jirafa!”

Adan responde: “Jirafa te llamar�s.”

Y as� siguieron poni�ndole nombres a los animales, cuando de pronto ven a lo lejos un burro comiendo zacate. Y el burro se echa un pedo �prprprprprrrr!

Eva dice sorprendida: “�Aaaahhh! �miraaa! A ese hay que ponerle El Pedorro.”

Y Ad�n le reponde: “�Hheee! ��P�nselo tu!!”

* M�s vale plum�fero volador en fosa metacarpiana, que segunda potencia de diez pululando por el espacio.
( M�s vale p�jaro en mano, que cien volando)

* Crust�ceo dec�podo que pierde su estado de vigilia, es arrastrado por el �mpetu marino.
(Camar�n que se duerme, se lo lleva la corriente)

* Rel�tame con quien deambulas y te manifestar� tu idiosincrasia.
(Dime con qui�n andas y te dir� qui�n eres)

* A perturbaci�n cicl�nica en el seno ambiental, rostro jocundo.
(Al mal tiempo, buena cara)

* Agua que no has de ingurgitar, perm�tele que discurra por su cauce.
(Agua que no has de beber, d�jala correr)

* Oc�pate de la alimentaci�n de las aves c�rvidas y stas te extirpar�n las estructuras de las fosas orbitarias que perciben los est�mulos.
(Cr�a cuervos y te sacar�n los ojos)

* !El globo oft�lmico del poseedor torna obeso el bruto vacuno!
(Al ojo del amo, engorda el ganado)

* Quien a ub�rrima con�fera se adosa, �ptima umbr�a le entolda.
(El que a buen �rbol se arrima, buena sombra le cobija)

* A equino objeto de un obsequio, no se le aquilatan las piezas dentales.
(A caballo dado, no se le mira colmillo)

* El rumiante c�rvido propende al accidente orogr�fico.
(La cabra tira pal monte)

* Las exequias con candel son m�s tolerables.
(Las penas con pan son menos)

* No existe adversidad que por sinecura no se trueque.
(No hay mal, que por bien no venga)

* La ausencia absoluta de percepci�n visual torna insensible al �rgano cardiaco.
(Ojos que no ven, coraz�n que no siente)

* Al andar maltrecho implicarle premura.
(Al mal paso, darle prisa)

* No est� la oquedad ardiente para manipulaciones reposteriles.
(No est� el horno para bollos)

* El que embriol�gicamente es tra�do al mundo con el di�metro anteroposterior de la cavidad abdominal aumentado, no lograr� reducir su contenida visceral por m�s intentos forzados extr�nsecos de reforzar dicha pared en su infancia.
(El que nace barrig�n, es al �udo que lo fajen)

* Cavidad g�strica satisfecha, v�scera cardiaca euf�rica.
(Barriga llena, coraz�n contento)

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?

They were river dancing.

Why don’t lesbians go on diets and wear makeup at the same time?
It’s hard to be on Jenny Craig when you’ve got Liz Clairborne on your face!

IN CASE YOU THOUGHT THAT WE KNEW EVERYTHING AND THE REST WAS JUST DETAILS1. In the beginning there was nothing, then something went wrong.[Murphy’s Law] 2. The empty set contains and is contained within all other sets.[Fibonacci’s Rule] 3. Universe has no plural. 4. Space is nothing. 5. Time is an abstraction. 6. Energy is the opposite of mass. 7. Energy is not effected by gravity. 8. In order for two points to exist, a third point must exist between them. 9. Less than enough is not sufficient, more than enough is not necessary. 10.Enough is a finite quantity. 11.That which has been done is not impossible. 12.Pythagoras trisected an angle. 13.Mathematics is a set of languages providing different ways to describe reality. 14.Statistical norms are not real integers even when they are whole numbers. 15.A line representing a continuous function contains no discrete elements. 16.A “Field” is a continuous static structure extending to infinity. 17.”Field Lines” are mathematical constructs having no existence. 18.Reality is what it is irrespective of description. 19.Ptolomy was believed because his math was correct and it worked. 20.The “Plane of the Elliptic” is perpendicular to and centered upon the Barycenter of the Solar System (or any other system). 21.All orbits are planes of ecliptic. 22.The eccentricity of an orbit is proportional to the deviation from the perpendicular to the path of the center of mass. [Kepler’s 4th Law] 23.The Earth does not revolve around the Sun, the Sun and the Earth revolve around the center of mass. 24.There is no error in the orbit of Mercury. 25.A measured value is the sum of its contributing elements. 26.The specific computed values of the elements do not change the measured sum. 27.The measured gravity of the Sun was the same after Einstein as before. 28.The bending of light observed near a star is thermal reflection, a mirage. 29.Velocity is measured at two different times, not on two different objects. 30.A zero based measurement is required to know the value of measured variables. 31.The “Aberration of Light” is the same in a column of water as it is in a column of air. 32. The velocity of light is constant in all media. 33. The aberration of light is a measure of the Earth’s absolute velocity. 34. Light is a spherical wave containing no particles. 35. The outside of a wave has more degrees of freedom than the middle, the inside has fewer. 36. As a wave expands outward from its’ source, it expands outward from its’ middle, a red shift. 37. The further away it is, the greater the red shift, coming or going.38. The energy required to operate a mechanism increases with velocity while the available energy decreases.39. There is nothing new here, it’s all old stuff. You must get the old stuff right before you can benefit from the new. D.MURPHY – HCEZJCIA